Archive for May, 2010

Q: It seems like all my friends are getting divorced or separated. I’m about to get married and I really want my marriage to work. I’m wondering why so many couples struggle with relationship problems or end up divorced?

A: We are social creatures and need each other (for some that may feel like a gift, for others, sadly, a curse). We all emerged from a place of total dependency on others. Who we are (our psychological and emotional self) emerged out of our early relationships. Because of this, we have a strong desire to be in an intimate relationship–to find a life-partner to share ourselves with.

An intimate, committedd relationship is the playground where we feel most alive – through meaningful, authentic connections with your partner, you find your deepest sense of self. It sounds like you’re well aware that for many, this isn’t the case. Despite our psychological and emotional need to be in relationships, a high number of marriages/relationships are failing and our inherent need for connection with another is bringing more pain than fulfillment. Let’s briefly look at why this might be the case.

5 Reasons Why Relationships Fail

1. All intimate relationships involve a fall from grace. The intensity of feelings and spontaneous passion couples first experience seldom last. For many, this sets the stage for ongoing disappointment due to expectations that the magic that embued the beginning of one’s relationship would last indefinitely. Couples need to be aware of this reality in order to offset erroneous beliefs that what occurs early on in one’s relationship is supposed to be the norm forever.

2. The desire to be married or in a committed relationship can lead couples to ignore significant personality differences that can be problematic down the road. If you ever find yourself asking, “I thought I knew her” or “where is the man I married,” it may be that the evidence of these differences was either well-concealed early on or your “passion goggles” failed to recognize these differences. While differences are a natural part of love, when they involve conflicts over your and your partner’s core values, marriage problems or relationship trouble may result.

3. Certain cultures reinforce the development of individualism and competitiveness over mutuality and self-sacrifice. Unfortunately this leads to a “what’s in it for me” attitude that is deeply ingrained in people’s psyches and this can have a profound impact on how you relate to your spouse/partner. In my work, I’m seeing more and more couples place unrealistic demands on their relationship, expecting all their needs to be met and seeing the natural frustrations of couplehood as a sign that they’re with the wrong person.

4. Most of us do not conduct a detailed inventory of what we want and expect from our partner. And isn’t it fair to say that we do not conduct an honest inventory of our own shortcomings that can negatively impact our marriag/relationship. In other words, relationships take work and a willingness for self-examination. Part of this work involves preparation for the demands and challenges of a long-term committment. I frequently ask couples, “Did you examine your own and your partner’s expectations and goals about the relationship?” Sure, many ask if their partner wanted children, but seldom does the discussion go beyond that.  Too many couples jump into a committed relationship without preparing for what’s to come.

5. Many of us grew up experiencing and witnessing unhealthy relationships, relationships that have little or no place in today’s society. Patriarchal families, where lopsided power differences were the norm, clash with the developing trends of contemporary society. Equality, mutuality and compromise continue to become the new norm for marriages/relationships. Unfortunately, you may have internalized the old, unhealthy relationship scripts, even if you’re not fully conscious of them. And the worst part is that these old family scripts often exert their strongest influence as your marriage/relationship matures and your partner appropriately requests greater intimacy from you.

While the above list isn’t exhausvie, it’s a starting place to help increase our mindfulness about what can contribute to relationship problems. The goal is for you and your partner to have as much information as possible about what makes a marriage/relationship work well and what leads to entrenched marital and relationship problems.

If you haven’t already, don’t forget to sign up for my free Relationship Advice Newsletter.

If all the marriage help and relationship advice books suggest the same approach to effective couples communication, maybe we should start to listen.

What doesn’t work (ineffective communication statements):

“You’re being ridiculous!”

“You never help out; I’ve asked you a thousand times to do that!”

“You always say ‘no.’ I don’t know why I even bother!”

What works (effective communication statements):

“I feel unappreciated when you do…”

“I’d rather we approach this differently. Can I suggest something?”

“I’m needing some extra help around the house. It would be really helpful if you…”

Notice how you would feel and react if you were on the receiving end of the above statments.  

If you start discussions or arguments with “You” statements (explaining all the ways in which your spouse/partner has messed up your life or is failing you), your partner will most likely feel attacked and become defensive. Most of us would.

Defensiveness drastically reduces the probability of you (the speaker) getting your point across and sets the stage for an attack-defensiveness-counterattack exchange (which only leads to frustation and hurt feelings).

So the next time you make a request or the discussion is starting to get a little heated, try changing your communication style a bit (especially if what you’ve both been doing hasn’t worked out well). Stick with it: It may take time and some effort on your part before you notice any difference. The words we choose have an enormous impact on our marriage or relationship, so let’s be mindful of our language–the words we select. And remember, small changes can begin the process of making a big difference (even when it’s all your partner’s fault!).

I created a comprehensive communication workbook for couples. For more information, check out The ABCs of Effective Communication.

Intimacy (the emotional connection you share with your spouse/partner) is central to a fulfilling relationship. In this audio, Dr. Nicastro describes three issues that can block intimacy and you’ll learn how these common struggles differ from a fear of intimacy. Understanding these intimacy blocks can lead to greater understanding and, ultimately, deeper intimacy.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

All relationships (and marriages) evolve and this evolution involves getting to know each other at a deeper level. Most of the time, this process moves along at it’s own pace. But there are steps couples can take to help the “getting to know each other” process along. This is especially important early on in your relationship. The more information you have about one another, the better.

The goal isn’t to badger and interrogate each other with these questions–that will only cause stress and defensiveness. Rather, approach one another in a playful manner as you reflect on these questions.

Marriage Preparation (And Relationship Readiness) Questions:

1. Would you want to be your partner’s friend even if you didn’t have romantic feelings for him/her? Why? Why not?  From your observations, what kind of friend is s/he to others?

2. How do others describe him/her? How does s/he treat others in general (cashiers, wait staff, etc.)?

3. Describe how s/he handles stress and demanding circumstances.

4. If your partner won the lottery, how would s/he spend the money? Predict his/her first 5 purchases. Are these consistent with your values?

5. What are your partner’s greatest fears in life? How might these play out in your relationship or marriage?

6. What brings your partner the greatest joy?  What makes him/her feel the happiest and the most fulfilled? What is your partner truly passionate about? Where does s/he find meaning in life?

7. How has your partner handled commitment in his/her life so far? What do you know about his/her family of origin? About relationship role models s/he had growing up?

Don’t panic if you can’t immediately answer all these questions—it just means that you need to get to know your partner better before delving into a life-long commitment with him/her. These questions can help you build a more comprehensive picture of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

By answering these questions you’ll discover: how does your partner behave when s/he is at her/his best?  At his/her worst?  What are your partner’s deepest values, passions and life goals? What motivates him/her? What might prevent your partner from reaching his/her dreams? Does your personal style feel compatible with what you’ve learned about your partner?

Have these questions in the back of your mind as you get to know your partner and as your relationship deepens. If you’re already in a committed relationship, you can use these questions as a way to create greater intimacy by entering into a dialogue with your partner or spouse about these important issues.

For other questions to reflect on to help build a strong relationship foundation, click Premarital Questions.

Wishing you all the best!

Dr. Rich Nicastro