Archive for July, 2010

Do you have good relationship habits?

As a marriage/couples counselor I see a wide range of relationship problems–from the minor issues we all struggle with to major marital/relationship issues that are pulling a couple apart. While some couples are so incompatible it’s unlikely their marriage or relationship will survive, many of the couples I work with are simply the victims of unhealthy relationship habits.

An unhealthy relationship habit is anything that can cause you and your partner to grow apart. While there are many things that can lead to an unhealthy relationship habit (e.g. the impact of stress, repeating problematic relationship patterns from your past), it’s important to develop a conscious plan to overcome these habits.

Here are a couple of suggestions to get you moving in the right direction.

Relationship Help: Steps to Developing Healthy Relationship Habits

1) Schedule “protected” time with your spouse/partner. During that time make it off-limits to discuss any topic that is taxing your marriage or relationship. Avoid the tendency to cancel these meetings when life’s pressures mount. Your relationship is probably one of your life’s top priorities—be sure to treat it that way.

2) Create a list of topics you need to avoid during this time. Review each other’s list and come to an agreement about which issues to steer clear of—remember, this protected time is designed to feed and nurture your relationship, not tax your relationship by having problem-focused discussions.

3) Have “what’s-working-for-me” conversations—in other words, focus on what works in your relationship. Let the question, “What do I love and admire about my spouse or partner?” guide you.  Reminisce about the fun times and make a plan to reintroduce some of these enjoyable activities into your life.

4) Cultivate a mindset of gratitude. Research has shown that intentionally focusing on the aspects of your life that you are grateful for can increase positive emotions. Regularly articulate the things about your spouse/partner and your relationship that you are grateful for. This will help foster positive feelings and deepen intimacy.

5) Discover and participate in activities that are mutually satisfying. One couple I worked with decided to take a cooking class together. While the husband was originally skeptical, he ended up enjoying the class more than his wife and they reported having a great time together.

Relationship Rule: Novel activities can infuse life into your relationship.

And now here is the biggest challenge: Make the above a regular part of your relationship routine!

Whether it’s weekly, biweekly or monthly, participating regularly in discussions and activities that feed intimacy will go a long way in developing healthy relationship habits and strengthening the emotional bond that is the foundation of your marriage/relationship.

Marriage/Relationship Resources:

If you’d like to receive my marriage help and relationship advice tips each month, sign up for my free Relationship Advice Newsletter.

To give your marriage/relationship a serious workout, check out my new Marriage Enrichment Workbook special.

Wishing you and your relationship all the best,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.

Q: I’ve been married for eight years and while I love my husband dearly, I miss the sexual spark that we used to have. I realize that it’s natural for our sex life to go through ups and downs, but I was wondering if there is something we can do to increase passion, even a little. We can use some relationship help.  ~Cindy

A: Thank you for your question. I agree with your assessment that passion and desire aren’t constants in a long-term relationship, and instead vary due to a combination of issues (e.g., stress, hormonal changes, and unresolved relationship issues).

But this doesn’t mean that you need to settle for a sexless marriage or relationship. Here is a suggestion that has worked for other couples looking for relationship help in this area.

Teasing is a great way to fan the flames of desire.

Have you ever noticed how people in a new relationship excel at the art of teasing? Whether seducing each other at the supermarket or while sitting at a red light, new lovers discover ways to turn each other on in the most ordinary of circumstances.

They seem to be involved in a kind of sexual game—a playful game with unspoken rules. These rules create moments that feel enticing and forbidden to the couple, thereby increasing their excitement and desire.

Are you ready to enter the game of teasing with your spouse/partner?

Relationship Help: The Basics of Teasing

It’s all in your attitude

The art and skill of teasing starts with a particular attitude. The most important part of this attitude involves giving yourself permission to be playful and provocative with your partner. Without permission, you will remain inhibited and lose the freedom necessary for the game of teasing. Can you give yourself permission to have fun with your partner?

Communication, Knowledge & Information are Key

Since there is no standard, one-size-fits-all rule for teasing, information about your spouse/partner is critical for teasing to be effective. Use and build on what you already know about your partner. Take the time to review the sexual history of your relationship.

Here are a few questions to reflect on: What kinds of activities turned your partner on in the past? What turns him/her on presently?  Have your partner’s sexual tastes and preferences changed?

Talk with your partner about her/his current sexual interests and fantasies. Think of ways you can use this information to entice your spouse’s/partner’s sexual appetite.

Novelty is Golden: Try Something Different

The exciting and novel sexual activities that are inherent to many new relationships can become sidelined by the familiar and routine. If the sexual terrain of your marriage/relationship feels too predictable, try changing the rules of engagement that have led to stagnation.

You and your mate might find it exciting to periodically replace the familiar with something new, such as changing the location where sex typically occurs or educating yourselves about new sexual activities/positions.

While struggling with a passionless marriage/relationship is serious business and should be addressed, the steps to reclaim passion shouldn’t be a somber process. Try to have fun as you and your spouse/partner set off on this new, passion-filled adventure.

Marriage & Passion Resource:

I’ve created a workbook that focuses exclusively on helping couples build a passion-filled relationship. Check out my Sex, Passion & Intimacy workbook.

Would you like to receive marriage help and relationship advice tips each month?

Sign up for my Relationship Help Newsletter and you’ll receive 2 free bonus reports on how to create a healthy relationship.

Until next time,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.

Marital/relationship conflict is a given in any long-term union. Couples who resist this reality (by holding the unrealistic expectation that “true love” should result in eternal harmony) will sooner or later find themselves unprepared for the inevitable tides of misunderstandings that will require compromise, some creative problem-solving, and the need for mutual give and take.

But just because relationship conflict is to be expected doesn’t mean that you and your spouse/partner cannot learn the skills needed to effectively communicate in order to get your needs met, reduce unnecessary arguments, and build better understanding and emotional intimacy.

Empathy 101: Using your ability to imagine what it must be like for your partner.

Relationship Fact: At times (maybe even often) your spouse’s/partner’s response will differ from your own—e.g., you’re able to let something quickly roll off your back while your partner is ruminating for two days about the exact same event.

But this is where many couples get stuck—I see it all the time with the couples who seek my relationship help and marriage advice. When your partner’s reaction is very different from your own, the easy way out is to judge him/her for their reactions rather than putting in the time and effort to understand them.

This is where empathy is needed in order to create a bridge of understanding and emotional connection between you and your spouse/partner.

True empathy involves the ability to imagine what it is like for your partner, independent of how you would respond. If your partner is nervous about trying something new (something  you don’t find intimidating), the goal should be for you to suspend your immediate reaction and imagine what it must be like for her/him.

Marriage/Relationship Help Action Step

While you might not understand why this particular situation is causing your spouse/partner to feel afraid, you do know about the experience of fear (or joy, excitement, anger, sadness, etc).  Practice being empathic by remembering a time when your reaction was similar to your partner’s, even though the events that led up to your reaction differ. This can help you break down any resistance that may be blocking you from entering into your spouse’s/partner’s emotional world.

It isn’t necessary to share the details of the situation that led to your feelings at that moment; instead, use your emotional reaction (the one that parallels your partner’s) to give you a better appreciation of what it is like to be your partner in that moment.

And try to communicate from this place of greater appreciation and empathy.

Marriage/Relationship Resources:

I created a comprehensive communication workbook for couples who want a more harmonious, deeper emotional connection with each other. Check out the ABCs of Effective Communication.

The Marriage Enrichment Workbook package is complete! You receive 3 essential relationship workbooks (each covering a core relationship area) at a special discounted rate.

Until next time,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.

Has your spouse/partner ever reacted in a way that confuses you?

If so, you’re definitely not alone. Most of us have moments where we just don’t understand why a particular situation is so upsetting to our mate and sends him/her into an emotional tailspin.

Even couples who typically communicate effectively and are clear about their emotional needs struggle with moments of misunderstanding and a breakdown of intimacy.

It’s probably safe to say that we can chalk up these moments to the simple fact that you’re different people with different ways of experiencing the world, so there will be times when you just don’t “get each other.”

This exact issue is what brought Jeremy and Cathryn to marriage counseling. Jeremy sought my relationship help because he wanted to better understand his wife. And part of completing this puzzle-of-understanding was for Jeremy to understand how Cathryn’s childhood shaped her.

Marriage Advice: Look at the “big picture” of your spouse/partner’s life.

This is something you can do when you’re having a difficult time comprehending your spouse’s/partner’s reactions and to learn how to give her/him the support that is needed or as a general approach to deepen empathy and intimacy.

This is what therapists and counselors do all the time.

Usually therapists take a thorough history, asking questions about a person’s childhood and life circumstances, looking at the quality of parental and family relationships, the impact of painful and positive experiences, and the like.

This helps a therapist build a bigger picture in which to better understand the particular way a client experiences the world and deals with stress.

You already have important information that can increase empathy

You know a great deal about your spouse’s/partner’s life. Unlike a therapist conducting a formal history, the unfolding of information couples share occurs naturally over the course of their marriage/relationship. You probably know more details about your partner than anyone else. That knowledge can be helpful in improving your empathic skills.

I am not suggesting you play counselor with your partner. Don’t interpret each other’s reactions by saying something like, “I don’t think you’re only upset about your boss.  It goes much deeper than that—you’re reacting to your boss like you did to your father…”  That’s not an empathic approach, that’s an analytic approach; your partner needs to be understood, not analyzed.

The goal is for you to use the knowledge about your partner’s past to achieve greater understanding of his/her present day reactions—reactions that may not initially make sense to you.  And your partner should do the same for you.

There is no standard formula in how to accomplish this. However, as a guide to help increase your understanding, ask yourself:  “Does my partner’s reaction make sense considering what s/he’s been through in her/his life?”

Asking yourself this question (and similar questions) from time to time is a good way to prime the empathy pump.

Marriage help/Relationship Advice Resources

Would you like my latest free relationship advice sent to you each month? Sign up for my Relationship Advice Newsletter and as a bonus you’ll immediately receive two reports on how to create a healthy marriage/relationship.

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level?

Then don’t forget to check out my Marriage Enrichment Workbook package.

Wishing you and your relationship all the best,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.

Many of us grew up witnessing relationships that may have been accepted in the past, but would not be considered

Relationships bring joy & meaning to our lives

healthy by today’s standards. It is important to understand how the residue of these past relationships may still be influencing the way you relate to your spouse/partner.

The Relationship Past versus the Relationship Present (Then versus Now)

For many of the couples I work with, equality, mutuality and compromise are the new norm to strive toward.  Anything that doesn’t reach this standard is considered unfair and will not be tolerated.

In the past there was usually one dominant voice in the family (usually the husband/father) and this person set the tone for the relationship—in contrast, today’s couples work to create relationships where each spouse/partner has a voice. The challenge is to have a voice while remaining open to your partner’s voice.

Why should this matter to you?

Unfortunately, you may have internalized some unhealthy relationship rules of the past, even if you’re not fully aware of them. These relationship rules can impact emotional intimacy, communication, your ability to empathize and compromise, and even physical intimacy. And the worst part is that these outdated relationship rules can exert their strongest influence on you (and your relationship) as your marriage/relationship matures and your spouse/partner appropriately requests greater intimacy from you.

Evidence that your past relationships are casting a shadow over your marriage/relationship can be seen when you behave in ways that resemble one (or both) of your parents.  Don’t immediately reject this possibility, although your knee-jerk reaction might be to dismiss it. In a couples counseling session recently, one husband recently bellowed, “I am NOT like my father and never will be!”  He later realized that he was invalidating his wife’s feelings…just as his father used to do to with his mother.

Relationship Help: So What’s the Solution?

If we start with the assumption that we’re all vulnerable to repeating relationship patterns from our past (both healthy and unhealthy patterns), then the goal becomes to be mindful of the unhealthy patterns that are being played out in your marriage/relationship and nurturing the healthy ones.

Here is a question for you to reflect upon:

Which unhealthy relationship patterns did you witness as a child and how might you be repeating some of these in your own marriage or relationship?

Marriage & Relationship Resources:

If you are interested in replacing your negative relationship patterns with healthy patterns, check out Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your Future.

And to receive free marriage advice and relationship help tips each month (plus my popular special reports), sign up for my Relationship Advice Newsletter.

Here’s to protecting the sanctuary of your marriage/relationship!

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.