Archive for August, 2010

Strengthen Your Marriage/Relationship through the Power of Reflection

When you reflect on your behavior (e.g., “I can’t believe I just said that” or “I did a great job!”), you are creating moments of self-reflection—you momentarily suspend your experience to observe what’s happening. “Self-conscious” people do this all the time, usually to such an overwhelming degree that they become frozen with self-doubt. On the other end of the continuum are people who never self-monitor or reflect and because of this omission lack the awareness of how their behavior impacts others.

Think of self-reflection as a kind of self-check in, a way to monitor your experience, behavior and reactions. Reflecting on your experience gives you a way to gather information about yourself and your performance.

It’s vital to reflect on your marriage/relationship from time to time.

A Healthy Relationship Starts with Observation

When was the last time you and your spouse/partner observed your relationship?

You can periodically “step out” of your relationship and hold it up to the light to see how it’s working. To accomplish this, you must put your own issues aside (as much as this is possible) so you can be objective about what’s working and not working.

Are you ready to take stock of your relationship?

It’s helpful to have a roadmap when you begin to take stock of the overall health of your relationship. You need to know where to look. Imagine going into a vast warehouse, not knowing how things are organized and where items are placed, yet you’re in charge of determining what needs to be ordered.  You wouldn’t know where to start and you’d probably only see the major problem areas (the shelves that are completely empty).

This is what often happens to couples. Without the guidance of an observational map, you’ll only notice when there are major problems in your relationship that demand attention. When this occurs, your energies will always get pulled toward what isn’t working, and as these negatives become more prominent, they can overshadow the larger picture of your relationship. This can lead you to lose sight of the strong areas of your relationship, the shelves that are already well-stocked. Read the rest of this entry »

Irene sought relationship help because of chronic communication problems. In a pleading voice she turned to her husband Steve and said:

“You never listen to me…I don’t want to have to ask you over and over again to do something. I only ‘nag’ because telling you once never seems to matter! I feel like I don’t matter to you anymore.”

As a marriage/couples counselor, I often hear one partner accuse the other of “not listening” (which, overtime, translates into “not caring”).

This communication pattern usually takes the following form:

1. You request something from your spouse/partner;

2. For a period of time s/he follows-through on your request;

3. At some point your spouse/partner becomes less consistent in his/her follow-through;

4. Overtime, his/her lack of follow-through increases until there is no trace that you’ve ever made a request;

5. You then find yourself having to repeat your request (and being accused of “nagging”).

Steps 1-5 play out repeatedly and frustrations mount. A large percentage of marriage and relationship problems can be traced back to this relationship pattern.

A Breakdown in Communication: Work to Become a Better Listener

It’s a simple fact: you (and your love) have a limited ability to hold onto information-and our fast-paced, hectic, information-overload world just adds to the dilemma. What does this mean to your marriage/relationship?

If you listen to thirty different things throughout the course of your day, you may only remember five of them a week later. Some information is more adhesive and more likely to stick in your memory, whereas other information will enter your mind one moment and seem to mysteriously vanish the next.

Because of this fact, your goal as the listener is to increase the adhesiveness of your partner’s message so the information becomes a permanent entry in your mental Rolodex.

It is the responsibility of both the speaker and listener to increase the chances that communication brings about the desired outcome. So whether you are making a request or being asked to do something, there are steps you can take to increase the likelihood that your message will both hit the mark and remain in place.

Relationship Help: 3 steps to increase message adhesiveness

1. Ask for clarification about a request

Asking for clarification serves several important purposes: It helps you get a better sense of what the speaker needs and at the same time it sends the message that you are interested and want to understand what your spouse/partner has to say.

This will make your partner feel that you are fully engaged in the dialogue.

2. Convert the message/request into concrete action steps

As the listener, you need to take the words being directed at you and use them to shape your behavior in a new way. When your partner needs something from you (whether it is to “communicate more”; “listen better”; “be more responsible”), in essence you are being asked to act differently: to either add a new behavior that is absent or stop a behavior that is unwelcome…or both.

So each message you hear should lead you to think about the specific behavior change (action) you need to make in order to fulfill your partner’s request.

3. Mentally review your partner’s message

As the listener, one of your jobs is to make sure the request gets stored on your mental hard-drive and that you have permanent and easy access to the information. You don’t want to continuously fail in the all-important department of reliable follow-through because it keeps slipping your mind. The “I forgot” excuse gets old fast.

One way to increase your follow-through is to rehearse the essential part of your partner’s message. All rehearsal involves repetition. You repeat the message (either to yourself or out loud) over and over again until it becomes more adhesive. This is how people prepare for interviews; how actors memorize movie scripts; how teachers learn the lesson plans they teach; how students learn new information.

Couples Communication Resources

I’ve created several comprehensive communication resources for couples.  Click the links below to find out more about these marriage/relationship resources:

1) The ABCs of Effective Communication Workbook

2) The Turbo-Charged Communication Workbook-Audio Program

Here’s to becoming a better communicator!

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.

Mutual trust is vital for intimacy

Let’s start with two relationship advice basics:

1. Intimacy (emotional & physical intimacy) is built on a foundation of mutual trust.

2. Since trust and intimacy walk hand-in-hand, if your relationship lacks intimacy, at some level it lacks trust.

Emotional Intimacy 101

Intimacy is about sharing and the emotional, physical and spiritual connection that results from this sharing. You give of yourself to another by sharing your thoughts, opinions, feelings, memories, life experiences, hopes and dreams.

Typically the sharing and trust that develops does not occur overnight. It unfolds over time and your spouse’s/partner’s responses to what you share is critical in how trust is shaped.

If you have recently started a relationship, expect that trust will take time. Feeling intensely passionate about someone and wanting to spend every waking moment with him/her is not the same as having a deeply trusting relationship. If you automatically believe that you can trust someone, you could be placing yourself at risk for a huge let-down.

The relationship Trust-Sharing Cycle

Sharing leads to trust and trust leads to more sharing

Here is one way that trust might have developed (and continues to unfold) in your relationship. First the obvious: In the beginning you met. Somehow, the universe crossed your path with the owner of the toothbrush that sits next to yours. Early in your relationship, there was small talk and the getting-to-know-each-other jitters. Perhaps you each described the important people in your lives, spiritual beliefs, books, music and movies you’ve enjoyed.

An emotional door opened and more and more information flowed. You learned about each other’s likes, dislikes, passions and interests. You felt comforted by the discovery that your views of the world are aligned—you began to feel like kindred spirits.  The emerging relationship felt emotionally safe and gave you a greater sense of security and belonging.

As the trust in your spouse/partner developed, the information shared became more personal—your partner became a trusted friend.

Does this scenario sound familiar? Read the rest of this entry »

Often the most useful relationship help and marriage advice come from individuals and couples who share their personal stories: The relationship triumphs and challenges that are universal to us all.

Here is one such story.

Couple Spotlight: Meet Shelly

Shelly is preparing to remarry (congratulations!) and she wants to share something in particular about her dating journey—even if you’re married or in a long-term relationship, I believe Shelly’s dating story can be of help to you.

When she first married Shelly was young (twenty-one) and the marriage ended after three years. Now at forty-three she feels wiser and emotionally ready for her second marriage. Before she met her husband-to-be, Shelly worked with a “dating coach” and describes the following:

“I’ve learned it can’t just be about chemistry. I’ve been there and done that. So the coach I worked with had me make a list of my values…the things that are really important to me. This may sound easy, but it took a great deal of work. Then I had to make a list of what my ‘ideal’ partner would look like.”

Describing her ideal partner helped clarify any unrealistic expectations she might bring into the relationship (e.g., my partner will always understand my point of view).

Shelly had never thought about relationships in this way. Like many of us, she assumed you just fall in love and simply succumb to the mysteries of attraction– without being mindful of what we want from our spouse or partner.

So she began making lists:

• A list of “must haves” (traits and values her partner must have…”non-negotiables,” if you will);
• A list of “would like to have” (traits and values she’d like her partner to have);
• And a list of “absolutely cannot live with” (traits and values that would be deal-breakers for her).

She worked on becoming mindful of these lists so that she could feel empowered about the choices she made about choosing a life-partner. “This was invaluable. Honestly, if I didn’t do this I would have ended up with a guy I was attracted to but one that was totally wrong for me.”

Even if you’re already in a committed, long-term relationship, creating these kinds of lists can help you and your spouse/partner become more attuned to each other’s needs (which is essential for effective communication).  Then the next step would be for you and your spouse/partner to share these lists in an effort to help deepen mutual understanding and empathy.

Are you ready to make your own list?

Relationship Help Resources

I have two resources I’d like to share with you today:

1.  I’ve brought together my top selling relationship workbooks into one special offer (and a 25% discount). Check out my Marriage Enrichment workbook offer for more information.

2. And to receive two free bonus reports on how to create a healthier marriage/relationship, sign up for my Relationship Help Newsletter.

Thanks and until next time,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.