Archive for the ‘Couple Spotlight–Hear from Other Couples’ Category

Couple Spotlight: Relationship Help from Couples Just Like You

Today’s Topic: Learning from your relationship mistakes.

To say that Lenora is a giving person is an understatement.  She is the first person her friends and family call when they’re in need. “I’ve always been this way, and while I feel good about this part of myself, it’s gotten me in trouble with men in the past.” What Lenora is referring to is a history of relationships with men who have taken advantage of her emotional generosity.

“I couldn’t see this pattern at first, but with the help of my best friend, as well as my therapist, I started to realize that I had a really strong need to please others as a way of feeling good about myself…I thought that I must be valuable if someone totally needed me.” So to feel worthy, Lenora often found herself in relationships with men who weren’t emotionally whole—she was drawn to emotionally troubled men because she found some modicum of self-esteem in trying to fix them.

But, as you might imagine, this pattern never served her. 

The men she ended up with (the “walking wounded” as she now calls them) only took from her without ever giving back emotionally. And the more she gave, the more they hungrily consumed. This, of course, took an emotional toll on Lenora. And she never found the elusive self-worth and peace she hoped for in her relationships—in fact, she often felt worse (taken advantage of).

Over time, understanding this pattern helped free Lenora from its unrelenting grip. She became  increasingly aware of her emotional Achilles heel. So whenever she felt emotionally drawn to a particular man, she needed to slow down, hit the pause button on her feelings that “this is the one!” and take stock of what was behind her attraction and feelings. And just as important, she began to claim her own self-worth without needing to be in a relationship with someone who needed her.

And now Lenora happily reports that several years ago she met and married an “emotionally giving” man and she couldn’t be happier. But for this to happen, she first needed to become aware of the relationship patterns that weren’t serving her, and that’s the lesson she would like to share—that there are always important growth-lessons to be cultivated from our relationship mishaps.

Thanks, Lenora, for sharing your story with us!

What are the relationship patterns from your past that you can use to better understand yourself?

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Dr. Rich Nicastro

Marriage and relationship help doesn’t always come from so called “relationship advice experts.”  Some of the best lessons that can help you strengthen your marriage/relationship come from other couples just like you—couples who have learned through experience, from their relationship mistakes.

The relationship help tip below focuses on a very common occurrence in marriage and long-term romantic relationships:

The failure to take ownership when you hurt your partner.

Let’s see how one couple overcame this marital/relationship problem.

Couples Spotlight

Meet Phil and Norma, married almost fifteen years.

Phil had a powerful realization that he wanted to share with us—one that may be of help to couples who frequently get into defensive/counter-defensive arguments that go nowhere.

The Conversation that Changed a Marriage

Phil was listening to his wife, Norma, describe a recent upsetting event that occurred with a superior at work. Norma had been getting increasingly frustrated over the fact that the suggestions and opinions she shared with her boss were seldom considered. Norma said, “I feel undervalued and unimportant at work. I might as well talk to a wall. It’s become obvious that while my boss encourages feedback, he rarely, if ever, listens, really listens to my feedback. So he’s basically made up his mind before he engages me in discussion…”

This wasn’t the first time that Norma complained to her husband about her boss. But this time something hit Phil like a ton of bricks.

Phil described what happened: “As she was discussing this with me, I suddenly realized that Norma has had the same complaint about me…that I really don’t listen to her at times and don’t take her opinions into consideration. And here’s what really drove this home for me. I used to work for her boss and I know what Norma means about this guy not listening to you or minimizing what you’re saying. It used to drive me crazy! So this isn’t her imagination or she isn’t being overly sensitive… I had to do some painful self-reflection and own up to the fact that I treat my wife the same way her idiot boss does… I realized at that moment that something needed to change.”

How is Phil’s story relevant to your marriage/relationship?

Here’s something I’d like you to seriously reflect upon:

In the case of Norma and her husband, Phil would often become protective of his wife and angry for her whenever she shared how her boss treated her. Phil became Norma’s advocate and supported her when she complained about the unfair treatment she received from others.

But when Norma had the same (or similar) complaint about Phil, he had a totally different reaction:  Rather than support her emotional experience, Phil became defensive and minimized his wife’s experience (“You’re making a big deal out of nothing…”) and he refused to take ownership of the impact his behavior and words were having on his wife.

So if others mistreated Norma, Phil was supportive and empathic, but when he mistreated Norma, Phil became overly defensive and refused to listen to his wife.

Relationship Help: Refusing to Own How You Hurt Your Partner

I have a feeling that Phil isn’t alone in this regard—many of us become incensed when someone we love is hurt by someone else, but when our spouse/partner accuses us of doing the hurting, we react very differently.

In these instances, we become experts in diverting responsibility: Sidestepping, rationalizing,  minimizing, attacking, and even denying our role in what happened.

The truth is, some of us are more defensive and closed to feedback (especially unflattering feedback) than others. Part of this truth lies in the reality that it pains us deeply to discover that we’ve hurt those closest to us. To fully acknowledge our own potential to hurt (and even destroy) what we cherish the most, is, at times, too difficult to bear. (But this should never been seen as an excuse to take full responsibility for our actions, even when our actions unintentionally hurt our spouse/partner).

So rather than see ourselves as culpable in our loved one’s emotional pain, the defensive-tendency is to psychically run to higher ground and look down on our spouse/partner, viewing them as somehow unreasonable, too sensitive, misinformed, etc. Unfortunately for our spouse/partner, this superior position only adds to their emotional pain.

Remember, a failure to take ownership for the inevitable wounding that occurs in close relationships is a recipe for increased marital relationship conflict, ongoing disagreements and ultimately, emotional disengagement.

Are you ready to take ownership and responsibility for your behavior whenever your partner tells you that you’ve hurt him/her in some way? 

Marriage/Relationship Help Resources

Relationship workbook special offer: Receive a 25% discount off my top three selling relationship workbooks (including my popular couples communication  workbook), to find out more, click Marriage Enrichment special offer.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Couple spotlight

Jennifer wants a divorce…

Well, she did once, but that was two years ago, when her marriage was in pretty bad shape and she wasn’t sure if she could ever trust her husband Michael again. But slowly the trust returned and in many ways their relationship is stronger than before the crisis that almost led to a divorce.  What positive impact followed their marital crisis?

~They no longer take each other for granted (sounds simple, but anyone in a long-term relationship realizes how pervasive relationship neglect can be);
~Each is working to overcome his/her own emotional vulnerabilities that can sidetrack the relationship (Jennifer has the tendency to retreat and let resentments build rather than directly communicate; Michael is a master at denial, acting like everything is OK while ignoring his wife’s messages to the contrary);
~They now make a conscious effort to prioritize the relationship even though both have high-pressure jobs at a local hospital.

Why did it take a relationship crisis of epic proportions for Jennifer and Michael to make the changes needed to rebuild their relationship?

Unfortunately, for too many couples it’s the panic and desperation that comes with the possibility of losing everything they’ve worked for that finally leads to lasting, meaningful change.

Relationship Help: Does Size Really Matter?

What’s interesting to note is that Michael and Jennifer didn’t have to actually change that much in order to create a relationship that’s more stable and fulfilling—in fact, often smaller is better. Smaller changes are more realistic, and are more likely to lead to success and follow-through.

What can we learn from Jennifer and Michael?

Complacency is the enemy of many marriages and long-term relationships—allowing your relationship to idle for too long has caused too many to live parallel lives while living under the same roof. And small changes can make a big difference in the long run.

Will you be ruled by relationship complacency, failing to make the small changes needed to strengthen your marriage/relationship? Or will you celebrate the positive aspects of your relationship every day by paying close attention and allowing those small changes to solidify your bond?

Do you require a relationship crisis to cause havoc in your and your partner’s life before making the sustained effort needed for a stronger union? Or will you make the decision to be proactive and to strengthen your relationship before you ever reach a breaking point?

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Welcome to another installment of the Couple Spotlight. Successful couples have a great deal to teach us all about how to build and maintain a healthy marriage/relationship.

Couple Spotlight: Meet Amelia and Faris, married thirty-two years.

I was lucky enough to interview Amelia and Faris and I asked them to explain the longevity of their relationship. “Laughter,” Amelia said. “We love to make each other laugh, and we find so much to laugh about together.”  Nodding in agreement, Faris added, “Even in the middle of our worst fights, it’s hard to stay mad at someone who can always make me laugh.” 

They went on to describe the importance of mutual respect and friendship as cornerstones of their healthy relationship.  Faris said, “Respect is as important as love sometimes. And you have to like each other as much as love each other. If you don’t like to be around the person you’re with, what’s the point?” 

Turning Ordinary Moments into Opportunities for Connection

But what Faris and Amelia stressed most of all is finding beauty and opportunity in everyday life.

“You don’t have to spend lots of money or try to find something exotic to do in order to have a deep connection,” Amelia said.  As an example, she described their morning routine. “I make our coffee as he reads the paper. He shares every story he reads with me and asks my opinion about it. Sometimes we’ll have different opinions and we get into debates. Or he’ll just nod his head and say ‘interesting’ and continue to read. I can tell he’s thinking about what I said.”

This might seem like a small event, but it speaks volumes about something very important to their relationship (and relationships in general). Faris took what is typically a solitary activity (reading the newspaper) and made it relational. When Faris includes Amelia in his daily activity, he makes her feel connected to him and appreciated by him. Further, he enjoys her as she shares her own viewpoints.

Do your individual activities remain solitary, or do you share your experiences with your partner?

Of course there will be activities that you and your partner do separately. But how many of these are things that—by necessity—have to be done separately and how many are missed opportunities to connect with your spouse/partner? By following Faris’s lead, you can create bridges between your individual interests and nurturing emotional intimacy with your partner.

Relationship Help: Building Bridges Action Step

Think of all the things you’re involved in that don’t include your partner (hobbies, work, daily routines). Even if you prefer to do these activities alone (or with someone other than your partner), can you think of ways to share parts of these experiences with your husband, wife or partner? 

Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. Label one side, Activities I enjoy with my partner, label the other, Activities I enjoy that don’t include my partner. You can ask your partner to do the same. Remember, it is normal and even healthy for you each to have separate interests and hobbies. It’s a question of balance—there should be enough shared activities to nurture the friendship part of your relationship. After completing your lists, reflect on the following:

Do you both feel there are enough shared activities?

Would you like to become more involved with any of your spouse’s/partner’s activities?

Would you  be willing to share certain activities with your partner? (Note: An increase in shared activities might include direct involvement, e.g., joining her bowling league, or indirect involvement, e.g., being a spectator or discussing all the fun details about the activity afterward).

Realize that when you’re doing this exercise, it will be important to anticipate that your partner may not want to include you in certain activities/interests. While this may sting emotionally, give it your best effort not to take this decision personally (I know, easier said than done). But the fact is certain individual pursuits and interests work to foster a sense of independence and self-esteem, and it can feel like a loss if these are shared with others.

Give this type of relational sharing a try—you might be pleasantly surprised.

Relationship Help Resources

I’d like to share two powerful strengthen your marriage/relationship resources with you today:

1.  Are you repeating negative, unhealthy relationship patterns?

In my workbook, Take Control of Your Relationship: Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your Future, you’ll learn how to break the bad relationship habits you learned throughout your life and replace them with healthier, pro-relationship habits.

2. Start your marriage/relationship off on the right foot:

And for any couple who is engaged, newly married or in a new, committed relationship, I have an important resource I’d like to share with you. Check out the Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT.

Wishing you and your relationship all the best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller

Couple Spotlight: Meet Tara and Kenneth

Tara and Kenneth have been married for a little over four years (they’ve been together almost seven). Like many couples, they’ve had their ups and downs, and both have rolled up their sleeves to make their relationship work.

And their biggest challenge?

For the last year they’ve only seen each other on the weekends and during holidays because of work-related travel (Tara’s job has required that she spend more time in California in order to complete an important project). As Tara described, “The separation has been hard on us. If we were really independent from each other to begin with maybe it would have been easier, but we like spending time together.”

To help with the separation, Tara and Kenneth created “separation rituals” to help them cope with the distance—anything that helped bridge the geographic distance by allowing them to feel emotionally closer. Regular scheduled phone calls, Skype-ing, and texting each other throughout the day all helped.

But what seemed to help the most had little to do with technology and actually communicating with one another: twice a day (at about the same time each day) Tara and Kenneth think about and focused their attention on some positive memory about the other. “When I can’t think of a specific memory, I focus on something I admire and love about Tara.” And each evening they shared what it was they thought about.

As Kenneth shared, “It might sound hokey, but this makes me feel the closest to Tara I’ve felt in a long time. After about two weeks of actively thinking about her in this way, I started to feel her presence and a warmth toward her…I hope we continue this ritual when her assignment ends and she moves back.”

Clearly, emotional intimacy is influenced by one’s mindset: Your thoughts, intentions and focus can open (and keep open) a pathway to emotional closeness even when you and your spouse/partner are miles apart. 

Relationship Help Action Step: 

What if we all follow Kenneth’s and Tara’s lead and once or twice day we think about our spouse/partner for a brief period of time, deliberately highlighting in our mind’s eye something we love, admire or respect about him/her?

What if you did this for two weeks straight — do you think it would help you to feel closer to your mate? 

Well, there’s only one way to find out!

Marriage/Relationship Books-Resources

Workbook Special:

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All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro