Archive for the ‘Couple Spotlight–Hear from Other Couples’ Category

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller

Couple Spotlight: Meet Tara and Kenneth

Tara and Kenneth have been married for a little over four years (they’ve been together almost seven). Like many couples, they’ve had their ups and downs, and both have rolled up their sleeves to make their relationship work.

And their biggest challenge?

For the last year they’ve only seen each other on the weekends and during holidays because of work-related travel (Tara’s job has required that she spend more time in California in order to complete an important project). As Tara described, “The separation has been hard on us. If we were really independent from each other to begin with maybe it would have been easier, but we like spending time together.”

To help with the separation, Tara and Kenneth created “separation rituals” to help them cope with the distance—anything that helped bridge the geographic distance by allowing them to feel emotionally closer. Regular scheduled phone calls, Skype-ing, and texting each other throughout the day all helped.

But what seemed to help the most had little to do with technology and actually communicating with one another: twice a day (at about the same time each day) Tara and Kenneth think about and focused their attention on some positive memory about the other. “When I can’t think of a specific memory, I focus on something I admire and love about Tara.” And each evening they shared what it was they thought about.

As Kenneth shared, “It might sound hokey, but this makes me feel the closest to Tara I’ve felt in a long time. After about two weeks of actively thinking about her in this way, I started to feel her presence and a warmth toward her…I hope we continue this ritual when her assignment ends and she moves back.”

Clearly, emotional intimacy is influenced by one’s mindset: Your thoughts, intentions and focus can open (and keep open) a pathway to emotional closeness even when you and your spouse/partner are miles apart. 

Relationship Help Action Step: 

What if we all follow Kenneth’s and Tara’s lead and once or twice day we think about our spouse/partner for a brief period of time, deliberately highlighting in our mind’s eye something we love, admire or respect about him/her?

What if you did this for two weeks straight — do you think it would help you to feel closer to your mate? 

Well, there’s only one way to find out!

Marriage/Relationship Books-Resources

Workbook Special:

Now you can own my top selling workbooks at a 25% discount. I’ve brought together 3 essential relationship workbooks into one special offer. Check out the Marriage Enrichment workbook package.

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Jean complained about being unhappy in her second marriage of three years…

…and while there was an element of truth to this, it was only a piece of the puzzle to her unhappiness.

Is your relationship causing your unhappiness?

On closer examination, Jean talked about being unhappy with several aspects of her life (she “hated” her job, had put on weight and was uncomfortable with her body, her teenage daughter had abruptly left home and was causing the family significant stress, she felt lost spiritually…).

“I guess my marriage is OK…my husband is kind and caring most of the time, but I’m just not happy. Shouldn’t my marriage make me happy?” she asked at a recent marriage/relationship enhancement workshop.

Jean married her second husband with the expectation that the relationship and subsequent marriage would lift her out of the funk she’d been feeling for quite some time. And she did feel better initially– her mood was elevated and she had more energy and motivation to engage more fully in life. She believed this was proof that she had ended up with “Mr. Right.”

But after the initial excitement and rush of new love waned (which it does in all relationships), Jean began feeling like her old self: Somewhat depressed, unhappy with significant parts of her life—feeling stuck and anxious about making the changes that might help lift her out of the rut she’d been struggling with. Now she wondered if she had ended up with “Mr. Wrong.”

Marriage Help: What is the “cause” of my unhappiness?

It’s human nature to look for explanations, the “reasons” why something has happened to us or why we’re feeling a certain way. This process helps you to make sense of the world and yourself.

So if you’re dissatisfied with your life, it’s natural to look for what might be feeding your unhappiness. And if your marriage/relationship feels like it is falling short of your relationship ideals or you and your spouse/partner are going through a rough period, it’s logical to conclude that you’ve found the “reason” for your unhappiness.

But before jumping to the conclusion that your marriage/relationship is the cause of your overall life-dissatisfaction, it can be helpful to take stock of your entire life (work/career, friends, family, hobbies & creative passions, spirituality, physical health/well-being) to determine the factor(s) that may be contributing to your funk.

In another words, don’t look at your marriage/relationship in isolation from the rest of your life.

Is Jean unhappily married, with the wrong man? Or is she unhappy and married, pinning her recurring malaise on her marriage?

The more Jean looked at the big picture of her life, her perspective about her marriage started to shift. She began to realize that while there was room for improvement in her marriage (like there is in most marriages/relationships), her relationship wasn’t a dark cloud blocking her happiness.

Jean’s story highlights an interesting dilemma that couples should be aware of: The quality of your life outside of your marriage/relationship and how you feel about yourself (feelings of self-worth) will impact and color your perception of your spouse/partner and your relationship. It just might be a little unfair (and unrealistic) to expect your marriage to make you happy when you are dissatisfied with large chunks of your life.

Marriage/Relationship Resource

If you’d like to receive relationship help tips, don’t forget to sign up for my free Relationship Advice Newsletter. You’ll also receive two special reports on important relationship issues.

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Couple Spotlight

Sometimes the best relationship help and marriage advice comes from couples just like you…

Meet Maya and Robert

Learning from successful couples

Maya and Robert describe themselves as an odd couple.  “We love each other, but we’re like night and day. From day one it was obvious to everyone that Robert and I didn’t have much in common. But we couldn’t help falling in love…”

Maya explained that she loves movies, reading, and spending time with friends, while Robert prefers to throw himself into home renovation projects (their hundred-year-old home keeps him busy). He also has less of a desire to socialize with friends than his wife does.

Living together for six years, both acknowledged that their inherent differences started to become a problem. They both recognized that they were starting to live separate lives that rarely intersected. “At one point I felt like I was living with a housemate instead of a soulmate,” Maya said.

So about three years ago Maya called “an emergency relationship meeting…Robert thought I was joking at first but then he realized how serious I really was.” At this meeting they acknowledged the painful truth that something was wrong and they each committed to the following relationship vision (which they wrote out and kept close at hand whenever they started to stray from their vision).

They feel that this simple vision and commitment saved their relationship. They’d like to share it with you:

• They committed to doing something together that they mutually enjoy once each week. Since they both like the outdoors, they often go for a hike or walk their dogs together. They stress that it’s important to treat this as a commitment, not as something optional.

“Even during those busy weeks, when we’re scrambling to get everything done, we have tried to stay on track  with doing things together,” Maya reports. “It’s made a huge difference.”

• On rotating months, each has to try something that the other enjoys with the goal of appreciating and learning about their partner’s interests (the goal here is to develop a greater appreciation for what they are each passionate about).

For instance, Robert loves to cook (a passion Maya has not shared). When it’s Robert’s month to “shine,” he chooses some challenging meals for both of them to plan, shop for, create and enjoy…together. Maya has reported becoming more interested in cooking since they’ve begun this, and she also states that she’s impressed to discover how much Robert knows in this area.

Robert said that the plan has worked well for them. Both are able to maintain their separate interests and independence (which they value) while nurturing the couplehood that is also so important to them.

Thanks to Maya and Robert for sharing what has helped to strengthen their relationship!

Marriage/Relationship Resources

1.  The following relationship resource is for anyone who has recently started a committed relationship (whether you’re planning to or recently married, living together, or you’ve made a commitment to that one special person):

I’m excited to share Lisa Brookes Kift’s Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples with you.

Research shows that couples who participate in some form of premarital counseling or preparation are more likely to have successful relationships!

2. To receive my free relationship help tips each month, don’t forget to sign up for my free Relationship Advice Newsletter!

Wishing your relationship all the best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Couple Spotlight

Effective communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship

Meet Tim and Cali, both self-proclaimed stubborn individuals. This has led to some intense moments and frequent break downs in communication in their four-and-a-half year marriage.

As Cali stated, “We’ve had some pretty big blow-outs…I can laugh about it now but when it’s happening we both end up seeing red…”

Tim and Cali realize they have to become better, more effective communicators, especially when they disagree with one another. What they have put into place over the last six months has definitely moved them in the right direction.

Couples Communication: Work to Turn Conflict into Understanding

“After an argument, when we’ve both cooled off, I try to think about Tim’s point of view. I ask myself, ‘What made him so mad? Why did he become so upset? If I were him, how would I feel?’

Let me be honest, this isn’t easy, since most of the time I think he’s being a jerk.” She laughs. “But I’ve come to realize that he feels the same way about me, so who’s to say I’m right and he’s wrong?”

Tim shared a similar opinion. “Cali had read somewhere that it could help to try and understand each other’s perspective, so we came up with this post-argument approach. I actually think it’s helping…”

By waiting to cool off, Cali and Tim are better able to understand one another’s point of view and as you can tell, doing so is a work in progress. But the payoff is greater empathy and a stronger emotional connection (deeper emotional intimacy)—a pretty big payoff!

Self-Reflection Action Step:

Are you willing to give Cali and Tim’s post-argument analysis a try?

Think about a recent conflict/misunderstanding you had with your spouse/partner. Then write down 2-3 questions to think about that can help you better understand your spouse’s/partner’s perspective during that argument.

How can you use this information to help you better understand and be more empathic to your partner?

Don’t rush through these questions–give yourself enough time to really delve deep into your responses.

Marriage/Relationship Resources

Are you ready to make effective communication a regular part of your relationship?

I’ve created two complete resources for effective couple’s communication:

The ABCs of Effective Communication Workbook

The Turbo-Charged Communication Workbook & Audio Program

Wishing you and your relationship all the best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Often the most useful relationship help and marriage advice come from individuals and couples who share their personal stories: The relationship triumphs and challenges that are universal to us all.

Here is one such story.

Couple Spotlight: Meet Shelly

Shelly is preparing to remarry (congratulations!) and she wants to share something in particular about her dating journey—even if you’re married or in a long-term relationship, I believe Shelly’s dating story can be of help to you.

When she first married Shelly was young (twenty-one) and the marriage ended after three years. Now at forty-three she feels wiser and emotionally ready for her second marriage. Before she met her husband-to-be, Shelly worked with a “dating coach” and describes the following:

“I’ve learned it can’t just be about chemistry. I’ve been there and done that. So the coach I worked with had me make a list of my values…the things that are really important to me. This may sound easy, but it took a great deal of work. Then I had to make a list of what my ‘ideal’ partner would look like.”

Describing her ideal partner helped clarify any unrealistic expectations she might bring into the relationship (e.g., my partner will always understand my point of view).

Shelly had never thought about relationships in this way. Like many of us, she assumed you just fall in love and simply succumb to the mysteries of attraction– without being mindful of what we want from our spouse or partner.

So she began making lists:

• A list of “must haves” (traits and values her partner must have…”non-negotiables,” if you will);
• A list of “would like to have” (traits and values she’d like her partner to have);
• And a list of “absolutely cannot live with” (traits and values that would be deal-breakers for her).

She worked on becoming mindful of these lists so that she could feel empowered about the choices she made about choosing a life-partner. “This was invaluable. Honestly, if I didn’t do this I would have ended up with a guy I was attracted to but one that was totally wrong for me.”

Even if you’re already in a committed, long-term relationship, creating these kinds of lists can help you and your spouse/partner become more attuned to each other’s needs (which is essential for effective communication).  Then the next step would be for you and your spouse/partner to share these lists in an effort to help deepen mutual understanding and empathy.

Are you ready to make your own list?

Relationship Help Resources

I have two resources I’d like to share with you today:

1.  I’ve brought together my top selling relationship workbooks into one special offer (and a 25% discount). Check out my Marriage Enrichment workbook offer for more information.

2. And to receive two free bonus reports on how to create a healthier marriage/relationship, sign up for my Relationship Help Newsletter.

Thanks and until next time,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.