Michael wasn’t really listening to his wife. He might have thought his quick reply (“I understand what you’re saying but…”) proved his attentiveness, but what it really showed was that he was fully absorbed in his own perspective, with little room for his wife’s viewpoint. Telling your partner/spouse, “I understand” is miles from demonstrating an [...]

Do you ever give to yourself what you so desperately seek from your spouse or partner? When we are children, our psychological and emotional development overwhelmingly depends upon others—our caregivers need to feed us literally and emotionally. The emotional feeding is hopefully delivered through predictable/consistent love, attention and responsiveness. Our caregivers’ part in the unfolding [...]

There are times when it’s obvious to us that our spouse or partner really isn’t listening—s/he may seem a million miles away or distracted by some other priority. As a couples counselor, I’ve seen firsthand how a breakdown in communication often results from a breakdown in effective listening. A Beleaguered Listener and a Defensive Speaker [...]

I’ve seen this approach work, but more times then not, I’ve seen it flop miserably: One person is sharing something that is emotionally significant, a sharing that in some way makes her vulnerable emotionally (“I had to put my mother in a nursing home last year. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but [...]

In every loving, intimate marriage or relationship, the potential for damaging shame is close at hand. Let’s find out why this is the case. We all hide from others (and ourselves) at times—hiding in this case means walling off the memories and emotional parts of yourself you wish didn’t exist or cause you conflict in [...]