Archive for the ‘Couples Communication’ Category

Effective couples communication is central to a healthy marriage/relationship—and often the biggest challenge to communicating lies in our ability to effectively share our inner world with another person, a world inhabited by our feelings, thoughts, perspectives, desires, goals, needs…

Whether we’re aware of it or not, we often use metaphors and analogies when communicating. We rely on them to describe the subtleties and nuances of our experiences. They add dynamic color and richness to what we’re trying to express, providing greater clarity and adding communication “oomph” when we’re trying to drive home a point or when we want to impact the listener in a particular way.

Analogies also have the power to enrich our understanding of ourselves—they force us to go deeper into ourselves, to connect more fully to the experience we are trying to share.  

Relationship Help: The Communicative Power of Analogy

Metaphor and analogies can also help couples communicate more effectively when used as a tool for self-expression. 

Examples of the expressive power of analogies and metaphors:

• We have a solid foundation that I find emotionally grounding;
• Our sex life is great…it’s often fiery and, at other times, it’s a slow burn. Both of these work for me;
• He reminds me of a calm lake that centers me emotionally;
• John and I are on the same page;
• We’ve achieved such a wonderful harmony and balance in our marriage, like a symphony;
• I feel like I’m flying when we’re together.  

• We’re always fighting. It’s like we are caught in a hurricane;
• When I think of the relationship, what do I feel? Unfortunately I feel ice-cold;
• When I talk to you I feel like I’m drowning–nothing I say seems to matter;
• I’m constantly walking on egg shells around you…;
• There’s such a wall between us. How can we lower it?;
• I can’t breathe when you question my every move; I feel like I’m sinking in emotional quick-sand.

The first thing you might notice when reading the above statements is how the use of analogies and metaphors create vivid images in our mind, as well as stirring feelings associated with those images. Metaphoric descriptions impact both the speaker (who must create the analogy/metaphor) and the listener (who receives it).

Note the difference in these statements:

“I don’t like the way you’ve been talking to me lately”  versus  “I feel run over when you speak to me like that.”

“I feel great when we’re together” versus “You make me feel brand new, like a million bucks.”

While both statements in the above examples communicate a similar message, the second message in each pairing is more likely to have a bigger emotional impact on the listener, which can be helpful when you’re trying to let your partner know the effect s/he is having on you (whether you’re describing a positive or negative impact). 

Relationship Help Action Step:

Which analogies and/or metaphors would you and your partner use to describe your marriage/relationship?

Can you both work on creating a series of positive analogies/metaphors that capture the type of relationship you’d like to work towards?

Can you start to use the richness of metaphor/analogy to describe your needs and feelings in your marriage/relationship?

Remember, when you struggle to find or create an analogy that represents your feelings and reactions, you are using the power of self-reflection and discernment to form a deeper relationship with yourself—and you are sending your partner powerful information that can help him/her understand you more fully. 

Communication Resources

I’ve created two “How to communicate with your partner/spouse” resources.

1. Check out my couples communication workbook (over 120-pages dedicated to teaching you easy-to-use couples communication skills and strategies);

I often teach workshops and tele-seminars on effective communication skills for couples–and now you have a front seat with my communication audio program:

2. For more information on my couples communication workbook plus over 4-hours of my communication boot-camp audio, click Communication workbook and Audio Program.

Wishing you and your relationship a life-time of effective communication!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

We all get defensive from time to time—those moments when our emotions seem to take over, controlling us like a marionette caught in a wind storm.  Reacting defensively is never empowering, and we typically don’t feel good about ourselves (or our marriage/relationship) after becoming defensive. We may even attempt to deny our guardedness after the fact, even when it’s obvious to everyone else around us.

As you might imagine, chronic defensiveness communication can be a real problem for your marriage/relationship—it’s a recipe for an ongoing breakdown in communication, repeated frustrations and cycles of negativity. So it should be a top priority for couples to address this issue. One of the most important ways to reduce defensiveness is to identify the negative impact it is having on your relationship/marriage.

Relationship reality: The negative fallout of chronic defensiveness is considerable.

5 Pitfalls of Defensive Communication  

1) You cannot be defensive and at the same time listen to your spouse’s/partner’s perspective—the cardinal rule of effective couples communication is violated when defensiveness takes hold: No One Is Listening!;

2) Defensiveness begets defensiveness (and usually after a defensive interaction both parties come away feeling unappreciated, totally misunderstood or victimized by the other);

3) Over time, defensiveness feeds a negative energy of hostility, resentment and, at some point, apathy—relationships cannot exist in this kind of toxic environment;

4) The lack of openness, and increased frustration and anger associated with defensiveness, erode the trust and emotional safety that is vital for an intimate relationship;

5) Defensiveness can take a physical toll on everyone involved—defensive-reactivity places our bodies in an elevated stress-response that can inhibit rational-clear thinking, and tax us emotionally and physically.

As you can see from the above list, overcoming defensive communication should be a priority for couples wanting to experience the gifts of effective communication. And remember, you must be responsible for your own defensiveness. The mindset “But my spouse/partner is making me react defensively!” will only lead to communication stagnation.

Couples Communication Resources

For information about how to make effective communication a regular part of your relationship, click communication workbook.

And to receive a 25% discount off my top 3 selling relationship workbooks (including my communication workbook), click Marriage Enrichment special offer.

All Best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

We all make mistakes, those relationship mishaps like forgetting to pick up milk on the way home from work as promised, or failing to acknowledge an anniversary, or not paying attention when our partner is sharing something important with us—these “oops” moments are pretty cut and dry: You messed up, you admit it, you apologize, and then you both move on.

But not every relationship mishap is so black and white.

Relationship Help: When Two Realities Clash

There are many instances where one of you may feel the other has erred in some way without mutual agreement about what has actually transpired (you might have very different versions about how and why something occurred).  In these instances, your partner may feel like you’ve messed up while you believe s/he is making a mountain out of a mole hill—clearly this level of disconnect is a recipe for insidious marital or relationship conflict.

When this occurs, couples often ask themselves some version of the following questions—questions  that may add fuel to the relationship fire:

• Who’s really “right”? (This implies someone has to be unquestionably wrong.)
• Is there an ultimate truth that must be identified when these type of disagreements happen?

As you might imagine, under most circumstances such questions create a greater divide because the only resolution is for one person to accept the truth-perspective of the other while ultimately rejecting his/her own.  When these questions are part of the relationship landscape, you or your partner are suggesting the following:

“Admit you’re wrong, abandon your perspective and embrace mine, and then we can move on to living happily ever after.”

This approach violates our basic human condition: The need to have our reality—a reality where our feelings take center-stage—acknowledged and understood. This is why this approach often fails miserably.

The Power of Emotions in Shaping Our Reality

Very often we “know” something is wrong in our relationship (or right, for that matter) because of the feelings we have about what has or is transpiring with our partner.

In other words, your emotional reactions color your reality; your feelings act as a signal that shapes your truth-perspective. So when you’ve done something wrong in your partner’s eyes, it’s not only the “facts” of what happened that are considered, but more importantly, your partner’s feelings about what happened (or what didn’t happen). 

Our feelings can be an important  source of information: They inform us about what is and isn’t working in our relationship. Positive emotions (such as feelings of security, closeness, contentment, happiness, playfulness, joy, etc.) let us know that our relationship is working well for us, whereas “negative” emotions (such as insecurity, loneliness, anger, distress, hurt, jealousy, etc.) inform us that something is amiss that may need to be addressed. 

And the intensity of your emotional reactions regarding a particular event (intense anger rather than mild annoyance) may signal that:

1)  An important, core value you hold has been violated in some way;

and/or,

2) Your sense of emotional security and safety in the relationship has been threatened.

So the more intense your feelings, the more important and serious the issue is for you (assuming, of course, that other factors aren’t impacting your feelings).

It’s usually the person having the stronger emotional reaction who has more at stake: Not only is s/he upset about something that has already happened, but now s/he is faced with the likelihood that his/her feelings may be minimized or totally discounted—the fallout from this emotional double-whammy is considerable and, if not properly addressed, a pattern of estrangement can take hold.

So what should couples do when one partner is emotionally reeling over something the other partner feels is insignificant?

3 Conversations Couples Should Be Having:

One way to approach this thorny issue is to come to an agreement that this is not a right-versus-wrong issue. Such a mindset will only lead to incessant disagreements and battles that make life miserable for all involved. Rather, couples should prepare for these challenging events by acknowledging that such events are inevitable and can, with effort and sensitivity, be worked through to the benefit of the marriage/relationship.

1) Acknowledge the Inevitable

This conversation might go something like:

“There will be times where one of us is really upset with the other and there will be disagreements about what exactly happened and who is responsible. One of us may feel that something really upsetting has happened between us while the other may feel like nothing significant has occurred. Let’s acknowledge that this is a common occurrence in long-term relationships and develop a communication plan for when this does occur.”

2) Abandon Any Thoughts of Right-Versus-Wrong

This conversation might go something like:

“When we disagree about something important, it’s common to fall back on the position that one of us is right and the other is wrong. We both need to understand that this position isn’t helpful and will usually lead to increased defensiveness and greater emotional wounding. Let’s agree to work on adopting the following mindset:

While I may feel totally justified in my position, I need to accept the fact that my partner’s perspective may be different than my own and that s/he may feel totally justified in his/her own position. True, it’s not easy, but we will each work on accepting the reality that we are different people who will perceive and react to events differently at times.”

3) Focus On Understanding Each Other’s Perspective 

This conversation might go something like:

“Rather than making it a habit that we simply defend our own positions whenever we disagree, we will work toward the goal of understanding each other’s perspectives and feelings. Since the person who is upset/hurt has more at stake emotionally, the immediate goal may be to address and understand the emotionally injured partner’s perspective/feelings first, before examining the other person’s perspective.

The goal of understanding one another does not necessarily mean agreeing with each other’s viewpoint; rather, the goal is to make sense of it, understanding the “how and why” of each other’s unique reactions. We will commit to doing our best to embrace the goal of making mutual understanding a regular part of our relationship.”

I encourage couples to have some variation of the above three conversations as a way of preparing for the inevitable relationship misfires that are part of all marriages/relationships (no matter how healthy a marriage or relationship is). The issues addressed in this article are a challenge for many of us (myself  included), and these conversations may need to occur throughout the life of your relationship.

Relationship Workbooks

For information about how to make effective communication a regular part of your relationship, click communication workbook.

And to receive a 25% discount off my top 3 selling relationship workbooks (including my communication workbook), click Marriage Enrichment special offer.

Let’s make effective communication a regular part of your marriage/relationship!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Effective Couples Communication Quick Tip

When trying to improve your marriage/relationship, one of the biggest challenges is to avoid the slippery slope of falling into a perpetual conversational abyss that leads nowhere. This doesn’t mean you should never attempt to understand past marital/relationship problems (since with mutual understanding comes greater empathy and emotional intimacy)—but the fact is that certain issues, those hot-button trouble spots that quickly result in intense anger and defensiveness, should probably be shelved (at least temporarily).

The truth is that you and your spouse/partner may never see eye-to-eye about certain issues (present or past relationship issues): You may each be totally convinced of what feels like an unquestionable truth without any wiggle room or willingness to consider the other person’s perspective.  This is a real challenge for couples, since one of our primary emotional needs is to feel understood and validated by those closest to us. And while less than ideal, this level of disparity does occur from time to time.

So rather than continuously banging your head up against a communication wall, it may be helpful to create a list of conversational topics to be avoided—a communication off-limits zone. 

What is an communication off-limits zone?

A communication off-limits zone is a list of marital/relationship issues and topics that have already occurred and you and your partner disagree on why this issue(s) occurred. For example, you may blame your partner for the lack of emotional and/or physical intimacy that exists in the relationship, while s/he is adamant that the emotional divide is the result of your pulling away and refusing to communicate. Such conversations quickly devolve into mutual blaming and/or withdrawal. 

So a communication off-limits zone for the above example might read something like:

“We agree not to discuss our beliefs about what set the current intimacy problems into motion. We have very different viewpoints on this issue, and attempts to explore it has only led to increased conflict, anger and hurt. So rather then focus on who did what to cause the problem, we agree to focus on present-day solutions: what we each will do for a brighter relationship future (rather than placing our emotional energies into focusing on what the other person has or has not done in the past).”

Such an agreement can head off any communication battles that lead to the toxic trio of blame, accusation, and condemnation.

It’s important to note that a communication off-limits zone shouldn’t be used as an excuse to not have those conversations that make you uncomfortable—some of the most important discussions couples have make us feel emotionally uneasy. Rather, the off-limits zone is for the conversations that you’ve both tried to have over and over again without any resolution or meaningful understanding of one another.

The communication off-limits zone is a way of quarantining a particular issue that has become a toxin to your marriage/relationship. These issues are often best explored with the help of a professional (e.g., a marriage or couples counselor) who can mediate and coach you in the communication process.

Couples Communication Resources

For information about how to make effective communication a regular part of your relationship, click communication workbook.

And to receive a 25% discount off my top 3 selling relationship workbooks (including my communication workbook), click Marriage Enrichment special offer.

Let’s make effective communication a regular part of your marriage/relationship!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Relationship Help Quick Tip

Overcoming a Breakdown in Communication

Too often when one spouse/partner shares a complaint or wants to discuss a marital/relationship problem, the listener interprets the message as: “You’re messing up and failing me…” or some version of: “You never do anything right.”

While this might be the result of an overly critical approach on the part of the speaker (which would certainly need to be corrected), hearing complaints as a statement of failure can also be the result of the following fact:

It is extremely difficult to receive feedback that we may be causing someone we love distress/unhappiness—especially when our intention is to make our spouse/partner happy by meeting her/his needs.

In this regard, most of us (while in the role of listener) are overly sensitive; we’re likely to quickly fall back into a defensive stance (thinking or responding with: “You’re just being unreasonable”; “You can never be satisfied!”) rather than accepting our spouse’s/partner’s truth. Yes, your truth may differ from your partner’s, but a big part of effective listening is hearing and understanding your partner’s perspective—being emotionally open and present as s/he shares the good, the bad, and even the ugly.

When you go into defensive mode or shut down emotionally, in essence you are abandoning your partner in that particular moment and sending the message: “I really don’t care about what you have to say.” This is a recipe for ongoing relationship trouble.

So a big part of effective listening is remaining open to feedback (both positive, appreciative feedback and negative, complaining feedback). Remember, it’s unrealistic to think that you cannot (and should not) improve as a listener. And the only way you can improve is to accept and understand the feedback your partner gives you.

Think of it this way: a complaint (or series of complaints) is important information indicating that a course change is needed in order to keep your marriage/relationship running smoothly. Without this periodic feedback, your relationship is at risk of veering off track with major marital/relationship problems.

Couples Communication Resources

For information about how to make effective communication a regular part of your relationship, click communication workbook.

And to receive a 25% discount off my top 3 selling relationship workbooks (including my communication workbook), click Marriage Enrichment special offer.

Let’s make effective communication a regular part of your marriage/relationship!

Dr. Rich Nicastro