Archive for the ‘Couples Communication’ Category

“Sometimes it feels like Ron has only two ways of reacting to me…he goes numb emotionally, or he tells me what he thinks I should do. As you can imagine, neither of these work for me.” ~ Tara

The dilemma Tara describes above is one I often hear from women about their spouses/partners. And while these two male reactions (shutting down emotionally–going “numb”–or suggesting how to handle a particular circumstance in order to “fix it”) appear very different from each other, they do share an important commonality. Both reactions violate a central feature of effective communication.  “Premature-Action Syndrome” is problematic because it causes a breakdown in empathic listening (a major cause of communication breakdowns), and the loss of empathic listening can lead to a wide range of serious marital/relationship issues.

“Please stop jumping the gun. I don’t need to you to fix all my problems…just listen to me!”  ~Louise, giving feedback to her husband

What is “Premature-Action Syndrome?”

Like its sexual cousin premature ejaculation, premature-action is a phenomenon that can impact men and lead to marital/relationship distress. The central feature of Premature-Action Syndrome involves:

One partner finishing too quickly…in this case, what is prematurely finished is the conversation, which  is brought to an end when one partner gives the other unsolicited advice on a course of action s/he should take.

And while there are exceptions to every rule, men seem to suffer from Premature-Action Syndrome more often than women (at least that’s what I observe as a psychologist and couples counselor).

Why is Premature-Action Syndrome a problem?

There are several reasons why prematurely moving into action or problem-solving mode is troublesome for relationships:

• Premature-action pulls you out of an empathic listening mode, a type of listening that leads to understanding each other’s emotional needs. Mutual understanding is essential for deep and lasting emotional connection and intimacy—therefore, premature-action has the potential to immediately sever the emotional connection that exists between you and your spouse/partner;
• Relying on an action or problem-solving mode implies that you know what’s best for your partner and that they need you to tell them what to do (whether intentional or not, this creates a superior-subordinate dynamic in the relationship);
• Inadvertently, premature-action undermines your partner’s ability to ultimately make decisions and solve her/his own problems—it’s as if you’re leading him/her around by the hand and they’d be lost without your sage guidance.

Rethinking Listening as an Active Process

Many of the men I work with view listening as a non-action: In other words, they experience themselves as passive and not offering their partner anything meaningful if they don’t share their “how to’s” and “did you…” or any one of a myriad of suggestions about how to handle the particular issue being discussed.

But the truth is, empathic listening is an active process, involving two people fully engaged in discourse. The empathic listener is openly curious about the other person’s experience: Wondering and inquiring about why his/her partner is feeling or reacting the way they are, asking questions about his/her experience. And empathic listening may offer a suggested solution but not a premature one.

After listening empathically, the empathic-listener may inquire, “I have a suggestion or two if you’d like to hear them. Let me know if that would be helpful to you.”  Whether or not this occurs, the point to remember is that often what the speaker really wants is an active, invested listener. This is the gift of empathic listening.

So to all the men out there, when you feel the urge to tell your partner how to “fix” a problem he or she comes to you with, take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that by being present and asking questions about your partner’s experience (without telling him/her what to do), you are doing more for your partner than you probably realize.

Relationship and Communication Resources

In a previous relationship advice article for men, I explore the underlying emotions that can prematurely pull men out of an empathic mode of listening. Click Relationship Help For Men to read this article.

And for more information on how to become a more effective communicator and listener, check out my comprehensive communication workbook.

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Relationship Help Quick Tip

The Uneven Communication Playing Field

An uneven communication playing field is created whenever you and/or your partner move from the goal of mutual understanding to the position of “I’m right, you’re wrong.” Once you believe that your feelings (your reality) about a particular issue are somehow superior to or more relevant than your partner’s, you’re setting up the conditions for imbalance, a breakdown in communication and ultimately, marital/relationship conflict.

Relationship Reality: Your experience and perceptions will differ from your partner’s. This is an objective fact of life (people see things differently). Rather than acknowledging (and stopping) at this fact, though, couples add an evaluative layer to this reality and it is this evaluation (“You’re wrong!”) that is corrosive to emotional intimacy.

It’s important for all of us to remember that our partner’s perspective and feelings are just as important as our own—even when these perspectives are confusing to us. Rather than judging these differences, work toward the goal of mutual understanding. Make the goal of understanding your communication mantra. And we should also remember that this communication ideal ultimately rests upon a foundation of mutual respect and concern for each other’s wellbeing.

What steps can you take to create a level communication playing field in your relationship?

Communication Resources/Workbooks

To receive 2 free reports on effective communication strategies, sign up for my Relationship Help newsletter.

And for more information about how to become a better communicator and listener, check out my communication workbook.

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

“I wish my husband would touch me more…it makes me feel so close to him.”  ~Lindsey, age 38

Touch is one of the most powerful (and often under-utilized) forms of communication and expression of affection in adult relationships. The old adage “A picture is worth a thousand words” definitely applies to touch. Loving touch has the potential to say so much.

For many people, touch (intimate touch, affectionate touch, playful touch) can be a direct conduit to emotional closeness—a means to bridging emotional divides, as well as a means to reinforcing the connections that already exist, connections that are so vital to the foundation of an intimate relationship.

Why is touch such a compelling way to express and receive love?

The First Form of Communication

As infants, our primary way of communicating with our caregivers was through touch (they held, rubbed, tickled, squeezed, and pat us)–because of an infant’s and young child’s undeveloped command of language, caregivers rely heavily on the power of touch to soothe, excite, comfort, and connect with infants.  Without touch during this developmental phase, our mental and physical wellbeing would be severely compromised—touch lays the groundwork for healthy development.

At one point in our early existence, communication through touch was the centerpiece of our lives.

As we continued to develop, touch slowly took a back seat (though not totally) to the use of language—at some point words became the primary way to communicate and share our inner lives with others. As adults, words of support, such as, “You’ll be fine…hang in there, I know you can get through this,” can make physical gestures of support seem unnecessary. Yet for many couples, words are simply not enough, and touch remains a central form of expression that exists alongside the use of language as a pathway to effective communication.

Touch Lost and Found

At some point in development, many children start to receive the message (either directly or indirectly) that they have become “too big” or “mature” for certain kinds of touch (e.g., handshakes replace hugs). What was once revered as the expressive vehicle of love and connection early in life is later viewed as inappropriate—when this occurs, our natural need/desire for touch can become atrophied and shrouded in shame.

Certain cultures also send the message that expressions of support and affection through touch are less acceptable for men than women.

The result of these anti-touch messages is that some of us can become touch-phobic—what once brought us a sense of connection and feelings of wholeness at the beginning of our life can now make us feel uneasy and want to recoil as adults.

Rediscovering the Power of Touch

Couples aren’t always touch-compatible—it’s common for one partner to want to be touched more often or to be more expressive through touch than the other partner. There are simply high-touch and low-touch personalities—accepting these differences is part of the compromise process that all relationships must navigate.

But this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make a conscious effort to ramp up the amount of touch in your relationship. Holding hands, hugging, leaning into each other while sitting, placing a hand on your partner’s arm or leg or back takes little effort in the long run, yet it can pay out big relationship dividends.

Like all effective couples communication skills, increased awareness of a desired behavioral change is the first and most important step in improving communication (in this case, awareness that you and your partner will be increasing the amount of touch in your relationship). And having a plan to implement the desired changes is just as important—some couples create a specific plan to add a certain number of touch behaviors to their relationship each day (e.g., we will hug each other three times a day; we will kiss each morning and evening).

Finally, it’s important that you and your partner listen to touch. Often, couples touch one another without even realizing it. In these circumstances, touching has become so automated that it goes unnoticed and it’s like the touch doesn’t even exist. This is common in long-term relationships and it’s easily fixed. To break your numbness to the touch, you must direct your attention to the sensations of touch and allow them to register in your conscious experience.

Feel the warmth and pressure of touch. Imagine these sensations radiating beyond the touch-points on your skin, and see them traveling throughout your body. Remember, when you entered the world, you were immediately bathed in touch. Reclaiming the gifts of touch can go a long way in nurturing your relationship.

Marriage/Relationship Help Resources

For more information about how to make effective communication (including touch) a regular part of your marriage/relationship, click communication workbook.

And to receive a 25% discount off my top 3 selling relationship workbooks (including my communication workbook), click Marriage Enrichment special offer.

Until next time!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Relationship Help Quick Tip

“We connect the old-fashioned way, by making time to visit with each other in the mornings or evenings.” ~Ted, married six years

You might think Ted is from a past generation, from a bygone era where people placed a higher value on carving out face-to-face time to catch up, a time when people went out of their way to “visit” with each other.

Is “visiting” an antiquated concept, a relic of an outdated past (like the rotatory phone, vinyl records, and VHS tapes)?

I was curious about why a thirty-something, modern couple fully engaged with the technological trappings of their generation would make the effort to temporarily unplug from their cyber-existence and “visit” with one another. 

Ted and his wife Amanda chuckled when I asked about their “visits.” She shared, “Ted learned that from his grandparents. They used to talk about ‘visiting’ their friends and neighbors and family all the time. When Ted first told me he wanted us to start ‘visiting,’ I thought it was a little weird, but I have to admit…”

Amanda went on to “admit” that she enjoys their visits and she feels emotionally closer to her husband because of them. Ted believes that the increased intrusiveness of modern life has made time together (away from the technological world) “sacred to our relationship.” 

The 5 Rules and Mindset of “Visiting”:

1) The time spent together is more important then the content of what is discussed;

2) The central focus is on being together, checking in with one another, catching up, directly (or indirectly) sending the message, “I’ve been thinking about you. How have you been? How was your day?”;

3) The pacing of the visit is deliberately slow and different from the frenetic pace of life—this requires a shift in energy that may feel unnatural at first—the diffuse energies that support an action mode of existence must give way to an energy that supports focused attention and being fully present in the moment (the “visiting” mindset is akin to a meditative state);

4) Technology is not allowed into the visiting space—distractions (including television!) of all types are off-limits (to the greatest degree possible);

5) Visiting requires a mental and physical space that needs ongoing protection. Modernity will constantly be at odds with and intrude upon the time designated for the relationship. From a relationship standpoint, visiting should be considered sacred.

When was the last time you and your partner visited?  Are you willing to make visiting a regular part of your relationship routine?

Couples Communication Resources

For information about how to make effective communication a regular part of your relationship, click communication workbook.

And to receive a 25% discount off my top 3 selling relationship workbooks (including my communication workbook), click Marriage Enrichment special offer.

Let’s make effective communication a regular part of your marriage/relationship!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Couples can easily enter into unhealthy communication patterns where openness (the ideal) gives way to strained-defensive ways of relating—we’ve all been there and done that. In a previous Effective Couples Communication article, I described the specific pitfalls of defensive communication and how it can erode the health of your marriage/relationship.

One of the most important steps in reversing defensive communication patterns is to realize that you are actually being defensive with your spouse/partner.

When our partners try to shine a light on our defensiveness, it usually backfires and only makes us more defensive—humans don’t like it when our foibles are pointed out; plus when the person you’re already annoyed with tells you that you’re messing up (being defensive), you’re not likely to accept this unsightly reality.

Couples Communication: 5 Blocks to Owning Your Defensiveness

1) I’m Always in Control of Myself!

When we enter into a defensive mode of communicating, we’re not in control of ourselves: Our emotions, verbalizations, and body-language all seem to take on a life of their own.

And, as a rule of thumb, we don’t like admitting that we’re feeling out of control–this may be particularly difficult for men who value self-control.  Self-control is frequently seen as a sign of maturity, dignity and emotional health, whereas a lack of control is us behaving at our worst—childish and close-minded. Why would anyone admit to that?

2)  But I’m Not a Defensive Person!

It’s not very appealing to act defensively. Often, our defensive behavior clashes with our most cherished values—the self-image we want to present to the world, the person we strive to be, our best self. For instance, you may see yourself as someone who is level-headed, or compassionate, or open to new experiences and feedback; and since all these values directly clash with defensiveness, you may refuse to take ownership of a behavior that contradicts your perceptions of yourself.

Sometimes our self-image (or self-ideals), especially when we rigidly cling to them, blind us to certain unrecognized realities.

3)  But I’m Not to Blame!

Rather than solving a particular marital or relationship problem, our defensiveness usually fans the flames of what is troubling the relationship. If this statement is true, then our defensiveness (and how we are acting) is part of the problem (or, at best, our behavior is making the problem worse). Typically, we don’t like to see ourselves as part of the problem and may deny the ways in which we contribute to a breakdown in communication or to what is ailing our relationship.

4)  But I’m Justified!

You can, of course, make the argument that there are times when defensiveness is justified. And while there may be a thread of truth to this position, the problem is that most of us feel totally justified when in defensive mode. By its very nature, defensiveness restricts our vision—it fuels our indignation, righteousness, and, at times, feelings of superiority. This can prevent you from acknowledging any part of your spouse’s/partner’s viewpoint because you refuse to see that there just might be a grain of truth in what your partner is saying.

Feeling justified isn’t an objective truth, it’s a feeling, it’s your feeling, and it’s a feeling that can blind us from taking ownership and responsibility for our own unreasonableness.

5)  But Someone Has to Be Right!

The right-versus-wrong mindset is alive and well for too many couples. This mental lens is problematic for several reasons: It fosters an atmosphere of competitiveness between partners (a “better than” attitude), it creates overly simplistic, black-and-white “solutions” to complex issues, and it undermines the empathy and mutual understanding needed for relationship survival.

Seeing your spouse/partner as “wrong” about his/her perspective or feelings is a blatant form of defensiveness  that is guaranteed to lead to a communication dead-end.

As you read the above five hurdles to taking ownership of defensiveness, do you see yourself in any of them?

Acknowledging that you might fall victim to one or more of the above isn’t easy, but it’s necessary for the survival and health of your relationship. When it comes to love and effective couples communication, ownership of our defensive patterns of communication is essential. Give it a try for the sake of your relationship’s health!

Free Relationship Reports

As a bonus for subscribing to my monthly Relationship Help Newsletter, you will immediately receive the popular free reports:

• Check these Assumptions at the Door! The Four Mindsets that can Topple Your Relationship.

• Relationship Self-Defense: Control the Way You Argue…Before Your Arguments Control You.

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro