Archive for the ‘Emotional Intimacy’ Category

Emotional intimacy isn’t for the faint of heart.

It takes courage and faith to open your heart to another, to let down your guard and take off the masks commonly worn out in the world (competent employer/employee, supportive friend, in-charge parent,  etc). Opening yourself up to the vulnerability that intimacy requires takes ongoing work—by work, I mean self-reflection, owning and being responsible for your own emotional baggage, ongoing communication, the willingness to take risks, the ability to give and receive constructive feedback…

When couples are able to truly show themselves to each other (without pretense or defense), an authentic connection is made that is emotionally pure and transcendent. In that moment of relatedness, there is no separateness: No me-you, no right-wrong, no feelings of superiority-inferiority. There are no battles to be waged—nothing to prove. During moments of authentic connection, everything that needs to exist is immediately present—peace, comfort, vitality, a sense of being deeply understood and accepted.

As one husband described, “Whenever my wife and I are able to connect at this level, I feel like I’ve come home emotionally.”

To achieve this level of emotional or physical intimacy, you cannot hide (from yourself or your spouse/partner) in any way. But the truth is, to differing degrees, we often hide emotionally—ducking behind socially accepted personae or dodging our deepest insecurities all in an effort to protect what is most tender and fragile. Oftentimes, fear and uncertainty are in the driver’s seat when emotional hide-and-seek is at work (these can be deep-seated, lingering fears left over from our childhoods or newer, more present-day fears).

There are different ways in which individuals and couples put up self-protective walls—but it’s important to remember that these walls come with a heavy cost to emotional intimacy.

Here are a few common ways in which you (or your partner) may dodge the risk-taking bullet in an effort to avoid being emotionally vulnerable. 

5 ways we protect ourselves from taking emotional risks:

1. An Attitude of Stoicism

The stoic denies or is cut off from his/her emotional needs, especially the need to be emotionally connected and vulnerable with another person. Needs for closeness may be devalued, seen as “weak,” self-indulgent, or simply unnecessary.  The stoic remains an island unto him/herself, protected yet alone in the world of relationships that exist all around him/her.

2. Perpetual Motion

Some people never slow down and take a breath. People obviously have differences in their energy levels; some people like being busy and are active and productive in a healthy way. But for others, the inability (or unwillingness) to slow down is a form of escape from themselves or certain realities of their lives. Meaningful intimacy (emotional and physical intimacy) requires you to come out of high gear and slow down. You cannot simultaneously be in motion and connect with yourself and with another.

3. Excessive Care-giving

Focusing on and taking care of another’s needs (whether physical or emotional) isn’t a bad thing—in fact, acts of compassion and altruism are what makes us human. But the excessive caregiver rarely looks inward and self-nurtures. Instead, s/he is in the constant role of tending to another at the expense of her/his own needs. Remember, true intimacy is a two-way street that involves reciprocal emotional care.

4. Numbing

There are many ways to numb oneself emotionally: Drugs, alcohol, gambling, zoning out in front of the television. Even sex can be used to numb and escape from certain painful emotional realities. There are many distractions that now exist in life, distractions that can keep us focused on everything but our emotional lives—and without attention and care, our emotional lives will sooner or later atrophy (along with intimacy).

5. Emotional Smokescreens

Certain emotions are simply not conducive to feeling connected to your spouse/partner. Anger and  resentment are major blocks to intimacy, and these feelings usually arise when someone feels unjustly treated or disrespected in some way. Anger can be a self-protective emotion and helps to establish a boundary with the person who has offended you—the emotional wall and distance created by anger prevents you from being hurt by another. But there are other times when one’s feelings of anger (and the distrust that anger fuels) is held onto for extended periods long after the upsetting event has passed. In these cases, holding onto anger gives one an excuse to remain closed off, a justification to never take another emotional risk for fear of being hurt again. This overly cautious stance never allows the potential of intimacy to take hold.

Do you see yourself or your spouse/partner in any of the above ways in which couples thwart intimacy? If so, can you use this information to start a dialogue (see effective couples communication) about what is needed in your marriage/relationship to create the conditions where emotional risk-taking can occur?

Marriage/Relationship Resources

When was the last time you gave your marriage/relationship a checkup?

1) Now you have a powerful, easy-to-use way to check the health of your relationship. For more information, click Relationship Checkup.

2) And don’t forget to check out my Marriage Enrichment special workbook offer (a 25% discount off my top 3 selling relationship workbooks).

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Relationship Help Quick Tip

The level of emotion intimacy—the emotional closeness you and your partner feel—will  fluctuate and change over time. There are many different factors that can contribute to these changes and it’s important for all couples to remember that consistent emotional closeness is an illusion and your expectations should reflect this reality.

So what’s the reality for so many of us when it comes to emotional intimacy and closeness?

Many couples experience periods of emotional closeness intermixed with periods of greater emotional distance—a metaphorical dance of pulling each other closer only to push each other further away at a different moment.

There are many reasons behind what causes distance between spouses/partners: anger, pent up resentments, a break down in communication, a lack of trust, emotional insecurities (insecurities with yourself or about your partner), a natural need for more personal space—it may be as simple as needing to create a little more distance because you feel emotionally more comfortable from a more distant place of relating. 

Understanding and addressing your needs for closeness and distance is a discussion too often overlooked by many couples.

While emotional intimacy will naturally wax and wane throughout the life of your relationship, it can also be beneficial if you and your partner monitor the ways in which you each contribute to any blocks to intimacy that may exist—such as struggling with a lack of trust or experiencing pent up resentments.

Relationship Help Action Step

Each day simply observe the ways in which you seek greater emotional intimacy or, the inverse, emotional distance from your spouse/partner. These maybe subtle or overt attempts on your part to regulate emotional closeness.

When you repeatedly observe your own patterns and your fluctuating needs for emotional closeness and  emotional distance, you’ll be in a better position to identify and make these patterns more fully conscious. This is an important step in creating a more mindful marriage or relationship and discussing your intimacy needs with your partner.

Marriage/Relationship Resources

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And to give your relationship an extensive workbook, check out my latest relationship workbooks.

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

When was the last time you stepped out of your emotional comfort zone with your spouse/partner?

This was one of the questions I posed at a recent couples workshop on effective couples communication. After a long silence, one of the participants raised her hand and asked, “When we argue, I don’t feel comfortable. Is that what you mean?” 

This isn’t what I meant, since the discomfort you feel during marital/relationship conflict is often a reflection of reflexive defensiveness rather than a conscious decision to somehow be and act differently for the benefit of your marriage/relationship.

Marital Comfort Zones and the Status Quo

Individuals and relationships have their own rhythms and energy levels. For instance, you might be more of an introvert who prefers quiet, cerebral activities, while your partner might be more extroverted with a higher energy level and greater desire for social stimulation.  Together, your relationship might be some combination of your separate energies and personality styles—you may calm and center your partner at times, while s/he adds an element of charged excitement to the relationship mix.

Sadly, too many couples at some point in the relationship shut themselves off to each other’s energies and rhythms, often because it doesn’t fit neatly and comfortably with their own energy patterns and personality habits.  So, in the example mentioned above, the introvert starts refusing to participate in his/her partner’s social activities; or the extrovert makes decisions to be with friends rather than spend a quiet evening at home with his/her mate.

At the extreme, this can lead to a breakdown in communication and become a barrier to intimacy (both emotional and physical intimacy)–at that point you have two people basically living parallel lives with little emotional engagement with one another.

Marriage and couples counselors often witness this shutdown occurring across gender lines. A common scenario is a husband or boyfriend who struggles to meet his wife’s/girlfriend’s needs for greater emotional expressiveness and sharing. In addition to needing certain skills to accomplish this (the ability to identify and name one’s emotional experiences in order to share them), men would also have to come out of their comfort zone in order to accomplish this kind of sharing—especially if the emotional sharing makes men feel more vulnerable.

Relationship rule of thumb: A healthy marriage/relationship requires both partners to stretch themselves, to periodically go beyond their emotional comfort zones in order to meet each other’s needs (and ultimately, feed the relationship). This might involve the overly serious partner in the relationship actively connecting with his/her partner’s playful side; or the absent-minded spouse to push his/her limits and take on a particular responsibility in the marriage; or the husband who typically withdraws in reaction to stress to reach out in some way to his wife on occasion, even when things feel stressful…

Relationship Help Action Step

Think about your typical patterns and responses (your typical ways of being) when it comes to communication, emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy.  For each of these, write down what’s most comfortable for you (e.g., “I typically don’t tell my partner about my day at work”).

After you have a clear picture of your typical patterns across these different areas of your relationship (if you’re not sure what your typical patterns are, you might ask your spouse/partner for feedback), write down one way you can momentarily come out of your comfort zone and expand yourself by acting differently (e.g., telling your partner an amusing story about something at work; looking your partner in his/her eyes and expressing a loving sentiment, despite the fact that you might feel uncomfortable/particularly vulnerable in that moment).

The goal of this exercise is self-expansion, but a secondary goal is to surprise your spouse/partner—by shifting (even momentarily) your typical way of being, you infuse the relationship with a new type of energy, an energy that adds a positive charge to the relationship status quo.

When this occurs, self-expansion leads to relationship-expansion.

Marriage/Relationship Help Resource

Passion and sexual intimacy are too often a casualty in long-term relationships.

I’ve created a workbook specifically designed to help couples keep passion and intimacy alive in their  relationship—don’t let this vital part of your relationship wither and die.

For more information, click Passion, Sex & Intimacy. 

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

From a very early age, men are raised to compete, to experience themselves and others as competitors (or potential competitors), and this competitive mindset has dramatic implications for how men relate to their spouses/partners.

The competitive mindset (in all its permutations) psychologically positions men outside of their relationship and above their spouse/partner, a relational stance that undermines emotional intimacy and interferes with emotional fulfillment. This competitive mindset is deeply ingrained in the collective psyches of many men (even men who don’t endorse competitiveness as a desirable trait).

Men, Intimacy and Marriage: How the Competitive Mindset Undermines Relationships

Competitors have two options: Winning or losing. You either celebrate as the victor or lower your head as the loser; you dominate or submit–there is no room for ambiguity, uncertainty or vulnerability. This severely limiting way of relating shows up over and over again in marriage and intimate relationships—for instance, it’s not uncommon for some men to feel inadequate and ashamed if their wives/partners make more money than them.

The result of this competitive way-of-being is to feel superior (above or “better-than”) or inferior (below or “less-than”).  If the competitor loses (fails to make his wife or partner happy, make enough money, “measure up” to her friends’ husbands, etc.), his tendency is to believe it’s either because he didn’t try hard enough or wasn’t good enough—the end result is a pronounced sense of failure.

The socialization of competitiveness creates an unconscious motivation for men to avoid the experiences of humiliation and self-abasement that are so closely associated with losing/failing—the paradox is that the competitive drive and the attempts to avoid humiliation often undermine the very relationship men are trying to sustain.

It may seem like the victor is in an enviable position; and considered solely from the mindset of competitiveness, being “better than” is indeed preferable. But this position comes at a cost: The victor cannot relax, he must be in constant motion in order to prove himself and his worth. His self-esteem depends on winning, on being superior, on having more of—the litmus test for success/winning is to continuously compare himself to others. 

The burden of competitiveness is ruthless and indefatigable. Victors rarely have peace of mind for very long. They see threats all around them, everyone is a potential foe and holds a place on a long list of competitors who might be stronger, smarter, funnier, richer, better-looking, and generally more successful as husbands and fathers… It’s easy to feel threatened and insecure when you relate from the mindset of a competitor. 

The Competitive Male-Husband/Partner: A Recipe for Marital/Relationship Failure

Ironically, men instilled with a competitive mindset have internalized a deep-seated fear that they aren’t good enough, that they are somehow inadequate and therefore must continuously prove themselves and their worth or be exposed as failures and left to drown in humiliation.

These men are hyper-aware that their attempts to please their spouses/partners are missing the mark, each spousal complaint a singeing message of failure. At some level, men know that they’re floundering when it comes to the evolving, 21st century standards of being a husband (where the new standards of emotional connection and openness conflict with the old standards of stoicism and competitiveness).

But what isn’t clear to many men is how their attempted solutions (solutions that often stem from a competitive way of relating) add fuel to the marital/relationship problems they are trying to extinguish.  

Why does a competitive mindset fall short when it comes to love, marriage and intimacy?

The competitive mindset (whether transient, unacknowledged or eagerly embraced) undermines the essential skills needed for mutuality and for fulfilling emotional and physical intimacy.

Men must now adapt by raising their mindfulness of all the ways in which their competitive way of relating robs them–as well as their partners–of the gifts that come with intimate relationships.

Some of the tools needed for this non-competitive adaptation to occur:  Empathy; compassion; deep listening; emotional sharing and connection; the ability to stay emotionally present (even in the face of difficult emotions) without moving into solution-focused forms of relating (“Why don’t you tell her…”; “Have you tried…?”). 

I know it’s easier said than done, but making an ongoing, conscious effort to monitor how even subtle competitiveness can undermine mutuality and intimacy is an essential step for all men who are ready to co-create a fulfilling marriage/relationship. 

Marriage/Relationship Help Resources

I) I’ve created a series of workbooks designed to teach couples the essential relationship skills needed for a fulfilling marriage/relationship:

Check out my MarriageEnrichment package to receive a 25% discount off my 3 most popular relationship workbooks.

II) And don’t forget to sign up for my monthly Relationship Help newsletter to receive 2 free bonus reports on how to create a stronger relationship.

Wishing you and relationship all the best!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Q: My husband and I need some relationship help. We’ve grown apart over the years, and while we talk about what’s happened, nothing seems to change. How can we bring back that sense of togetherness that we used to have? We’re both motivated to make our marriage work… 

~  Celia,  Boulder, CO

A: Thanks for the question, Celia. There are different pathways a couple can  travel in order to deepen emotional intimacy. Finding what makes you and your spouse/partner feel emotionally connected can go a long way in strengthening your marriage/relationship, and often some trial and error is needed before discovering what works for each of you.

Let’s look at one pathway to deeper intimacy: Shared Activities.

Relationship Help: The Power of Shared Activities

The development of shared activities and interests is one of the most powerful ways to nurture the bond of your relationship. Relationships often begin with each person fascinated by the other’s interests and pursuits. Maybe you always hated opera, but now that you’re dating an opera buff, you find yourself third-row-center and loving it. Chalk it up to the power of infatuation. New love magically creates mutual interests.

The reality is that as your marriage/relationship matures, you may become less focused on your partner’s interests and begin to refocus on your own. Not to worry—this is a natural path that most relationships travel. Marital/relationship problems can arise, however, when this occurs at the expense of mutual activities and time spent together.

As a marriage/couples counselor, I’ve seen the power of shared activities in helping couples reclaim the emotional intimacy and connection that was lost. Because of the closeness that shared activities bring, it is vital that you and your spouse/partner carve out time for one another. For many, simple routines, such as a walk after dinner, is enough to keep intimacy alive and well.

3 simple pathways to emotional  intimacy:

1. Build in a relationship routine.

This should involve time together each day that is free from stress and distractions. Whether it’s thirty minutes of watching television together or sitting side-by-side while reading the paper, make a commitment and schedule these activities into your marriage/relationship. Consider these meetings as important as any work-related meeting you have to attend.  Warning: Too many couples minimize the importance of creating relationship routines at the expense of intimacy.

2. Develop mutual interests.

If there are no shared activities in your marriage/relationship, you need to do some planning. Make a list of all your interests and hobbies (things you’ve done in the past, things you’ve always wanted to do), and have your spouse/partner do the same.

The next step is to compare your lists. See where your interests overlap with your partner’s. For instance, if you like to hike and your partner enjoys photography, invite your partner to bring his/her camera and accompany you on your hikes.

3. Create new shared interests.

Let the excitement of trying a new activity nurture the intimacy in your marriage/relationship. If you attempt something that fizzles, try something else—trial and error is the rule of thumb here. And don’t let cynicism hold you back. If you assume you’re going to hate everything your partner suggests, you’ll miss out on the joy of discovering something new. Bring a mindset of openness and playfulness to these new activities. 

Often, your mindset will be the most important factor in whether you and your partner are successful at creating mutually satisfying (and intimacy enhancing) activities. In this regard, think of the above suggestions as a means of self-discovery: To discover what you enjoy, what you find meaningful and what allows you to feel connected to your partner, as well as what makes your partner feel connected to you. An open heart and open mind are always the best way to approach these tasks. 

Marriage/Relationship Resource:

Don’t forget to sign up for my monthly Relationship Help newsletter to receive 2 free bonus reports on how  to create a stronger relationship.

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro