Archive for the ‘Gratitude & Marriage’ Category

The patterns and rhythms of our lives make it easy to forget what day it is—for many it can feel like our days simply blend together. Mondays feel no different from Tuesdays which seem to blur into Wednesdays and so on.  Sometimes our days are distinguished solely by whether it’s a work-day or a day off.

To break up this existential monotony (the chronic repetitiveness of the ordinary), we identify certain days as more important than others, imbuing these days with elevated meaning and specialness (an anniversary, holiday, birthday). These “special” days have the power to renew and energize our spirits, demanding that we recognize the uniqueness of our lives, challenging us to look at ourselves and our relationship with new, appreciative eyes.

And as far as special days go, for many couples Valentine’s Day is at the top of the list.

The Power, Allure and Pitfalls of Valentine’s Day

Over the next couple of weeks there will be a glut of Internet and magazine articles suggesting how couples can take steps to acknowledge and celebrate their love.  The phrase “Valentine’s day ideas” receives over a half-million Internet searches a month—clearly there are a staggering number of spouses, partners and lovers seeking ways to celebrate their marriage/relationship.

Celebrating the love you and your spouse/partner share is a very good thing—relationships are nourished and emotional bounds fed and renewed when this occurs.

Valentine’s Day forces us to place our marriage/relationship at the center stage of our life; it’s the day where the typical excuses (about being too busy, too stressed, too [fill in the blank]) seem downright pathetic and just plain wrong. It’s the day where, despite the dents and dings that exist in your relationship, the love you and your spouse/partner share will have an opportunity to shine. Couples need this, relationships need this, we all need this.

If you’re in love, Valentine’s Day is one of those days that is set apart from the mundaneness of other days that can engulf a marriage/relationship.

However…

The commercialization of love (Valentine’s Day is big business) and the marketing designed to offer couples a means to express their deepest feelings, however, has the potential to create (like all mass marketing) a mass-sameness, where prepackaged, rote (and therefore meaningless) expressions of love replace self-reflective, self-expressive, heart-felt proclamations of love.

Nothing says “I really didn’t try” than a nondescript box of chocolates purchased—last minute—at the drugstore while you’re picking up a prescription (and you’re only reminded because the cashier and the person ahead of you in line are talking about what day it is).  

The danger for all of us is that it’s easy to become lazy about love, even on the day set apart to celebrate this magical experience—marketers and big business have made it convenient for us to mindlessly reach for one of the myriad of gifts that now have come to represent romantic love (a card we didn’t write, the number of carats in a diamond, expensive champagne). While we all search for ways to express the love we feel for our spouse/partner (which may include external objects that symbolize our love), the mass commercialization of romance can never do justice to the profound and mysterious nature of love.

Love promises us so much: transformation, deep connection, meaning, happiness, renewed aliveness….

Whether these promises are realized or not, we all yearn for love’s potential to make our lives better in some way. Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate the gifts that your partner’s love have brought to your life; for some, it’s a time of awakening a relationship’s forgotten potential by acknowledging that the relationship has grown a little stale and is need of some attention.

• How will you and your spouse/partner celebrate the love you share this Valentine’s Day?
• Will the celebration mainly involve the typical commercialized trappings?
• Can you imagine something more for you and your spouse/partner?

What if…

Imagine for a moment, that the typical way in which millions of couples celebrate Valentine’s Day ceased to exist.

What if…

…there were no gifts that could be purchased for Valentine’s Day—no prepackaged, store-bought items that are designed to communicate your feelings about your partner.

What if…

…the goal of each Valentine’s Day were to create/find a novel way to express the love you each have for one another, and the only medium you could use was yourself: Your words (spoken or written), your touch (non-sexual or sexual), something you create, or some activity you feel captures the essence of your love for one another.

Let me clarify: choosing to go the commercial route and purchasing something for your partner on Valentine’s Day is not an inherently bad thing. The question is whether you stop there and let the item do all the talking about what your partner means to you, or whether you make a conscious effort to express what only you can.

Marriage/Relationship Resources

If you are looking for ways to build a stronger relationship foundation and  keep your relationship healthy for Valentine’s Day and beyond, check out my newest marital and relationship workbooks.

And don’t forget to claim your exclusive, free relationship reports when you sign up for my Relationship Help Newsletter.

Here’s to making every day Valentine’s Day!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

With Thanksgiving around the corner, I thought it timely to have a post on the benefits of gratitude.

The decision to make gratitude a regular part of your routines and life, to deliberately focus on what exists in your marriage/relationship that you are (or can be) thankful for, is a profound gift you can give yourself and your spouse/partner. Practicing gratitude is a form of mental exercise that can strengthen positive moods, enhance your outlook on life, as well as strengthen your marriage/relationship.

The operative word is practice—it’s a mistake to remain idle and assume that when it comes to gratitude you’re simply a victim of circumstance.

The benefits of practicing gratitude are far-reaching.

Creating an Attitude of Gratitude: The Challenge of Making It Happen

For a moment think about all those times you exercised even when you didn’t feel like working out.  Maybe you felt too tired or weak or stiff or simply not in the mood to run and jump and stretch and lift and contort—for whatever reason, you just didn’t want to put in the effort—yet, despite those self-imposed hurdles, you pushed through the lethargy and made it happen. 

What was the result of pushing yourself to do something that was good for you? 

I’m guessing that after the workout, you felt better about yourself—maybe you felt a sense of accomplishment, more content or peaceful, maybe you even felt a bit more able to face the challenges of the day.

Like your physical workout, you might have different reasons not to regularly exercise your gratitude mindset—legitimate complaints and hurdles that are making life and your marriage/relationship really tough. When stressed and hurting, when it feels like life (and your partner) is just being way too unfair, gratitude is probably the last thing on your mind.

But what if (despite how you might feel in a particular moment) you pushed yourself to start a gratitude exercise program—a regularly scheduled workout that challenged you to reflect on all the small (and seemingly insignificant and overlooked) ways in which you are blessed?

How do you imagine you would feel?  

At this point I can try to convince you that, like physical exercise, practicing gratitude (even when you don’t feel like it) will result in numerous benefits. But the truth is, you’re going to have to experience it for yourself firsthand. 

Gratitude has to be experienced to be fully appreciated—discussing it in the abstract doesn’t do it justice. Are you willing to push yourself a little and give it a try? If so, I have a few simple suggestions below to get you started.

Marriage/Relationship Help Action Step: Your Gratitude Workout

Like any type of exercise program, you should set realistic, reachable goals.  And here’s the good news: when it comes to gratitude, a few minutes here and there can pay out significant emotional dividends.

Step One:

Think of the different areas of your life and pick one you’d like to focus on:  Physical health, emotional well-being, marriage/relationship, friends, career/job, home life, extended family, spirituality, etc.

Step Two:

From the category (or categories) you’ve chosen, think of one or two small things that currently exist in this area of your life that you appreciate (if you have difficulty with this, for a moment try imagining life without these things).

Write each item down, focusing on and describing why you’re glad they exist. Give as much detail as possible.

Step Three:

For each area and item in your life that you are focusing on, repeat the following phrase:

I’m so grateful that ________________ exists in my life.
I am so grateful to have ________________.

As you repeat these phrases (and others you can think of), focus your attention on your body and notice the sensations and feelings associated with gratitude. Don’t rush this process—simply be with the experience of gratitude at a feeling/sensing level. As you allow the feelings and sensations of gratitude to arise within you, you can now give thanks to these feelings themselves—in essence, you would be giving thanks for the feelings of gratitude that are arising.

Step four:

Simply repeat the above steps. To increase the likelihood of follow-through on your gratitude workout, commit to the days and times you’ll engage in this activity. For instance, you might pick Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings (designating 10-15 minutes) or maybe even more days if you’re up for it. The important point here is follow-through; give this gratitude workout program enough time to make a difference in your life.

And if you want to use gratitude to help your marriage/relationship, remember to focus on the personality traits and things your partner does that you appreciate. To deepen emotional intimacy, you can share your feelings of gratitude and, if your partner is up for it, ask him/her to join you in keeping an ongoing gratitude workout program going.

Please note that if this exercise falls flat the first time (or couple of times) you try it, don’t fret. The more you work out your gratitude mindset, the better you’ll become at entering into the emotional space of gratitude.

Marriage/Relationship Workbooks

Don’t forget to take advantage of this month’s Relationship Workbook special offer–the marriage enrichment package gives you a 25% savings off my most popular relationship workbooks!

With gratitude and appreciation for all my readers,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

I met a grateful husband the other day…and for you cynics out there, let me add that Ted has been married for 29 years, and his gratitude is as strong today (if not stronger) than when he first met his wife. The thing that really drew me to Ted is his realism—he’s the first to acknowledge that long-term, committed relationships challenge us on many different levels. Ted isn’t a Pollyanna.

What Ted shared about his marriage and the role that gratitude plays in strengthening relationships is information we should all come back to again and again. Here are some of the highlights from my conversation with this grateful husband:

Marriage and Gratefulness: 5 Tips from a Grateful Husband 

1. It’s easy to be ungrateful….

There is much pain and suffering in the world, and even those closest to us hurt and disappoint us from time to time. At some point, however, we must all make the decision to move toward gratitude; not by ignoring the pain in our life, but by acknowledging and accepting the myriad of good that exists (no matter how small it might seem).

2. Gratitude is much more than an isolated act…

First and foremost, gratitude is a mindset, a way of being in the world that opens your eyes to the moment-to-moment grace that exists.  This way of being in the world and in your marriage/relationship will naturally lead you to act compassionately toward your spouse/partner (and others). These compassionate acts (and words of gratitude) will invite others to act in kind, creating a ripple effect of loving action.

3. It’s not about fairness…

The grateful person doesn’t measure life in terms of fairness/unfairness. To do so leads you down a path of judgment and comparison—other people’s lives (and their ongoing life-conditions) become the barometer of whether or not your life is OK. This fairness/unfairness way of being makes you a victim to the life conditions of others (which is something that is beyond your control). This is a recipe for criticalness (self-directed and other-directed), anger, and feeling resentful, rather than peaceful. 

4. Denial isn’t gratitude…

The grateful spouse/partner sees and acknowledges the entire spectrum of events and experiences in his/her life (the good, the bad and the ugly).  You can practice gratitude and also face the challenges and struggles of life head-on. In addition to dealing with marriage/relationship problems as they arise,  a grateful spouse/partner is able to refocus his/her attention back to what is valued and appreciated. 

5. Gratitude is contagious (and good for your marriage/relationship)…

Gratitude is an energy that cannot be easily contained, nor should it. The grateful person’s energy is continuously fed and replenished by an appreciative and compassionate mindset. This energy grows and can become a driving life-force that shapes one’s reality in profound ways, including your marriage or relationship.

In short, the grateful spouse/partner is continuously making conscious decisions that nurture a mindset of gratitude.  Small, negligible experiences that are overlooked by so many show up on the mental radar of the grateful spouse/partner—feeding his/her experiences and the relationship with positivity.   Nothing is too small or trivial to be acknowledged and appreciated when you exist in the mindset of gratitude. And it is this fact that has made Ted’s marriage so rewarding and meaningful.

Marriage/Relationship Books-Resources

To receive my marriage help/advice tips each month (plus 2 free bonus reports), don’t forget to sign up for my free Relationship Help newsletter.

Forgiveness and gratitude go hand-in-hand. I’ve created a resource for couples to help make forgiveness a regular part of their marriage/relationship. For more information about how forgiveness can strengthen your marriage/relationship, check out my Forgiveness Workbook.

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

If it’s the season to be jolly…

…then why are there so many stressed, beleaguered couples walking around? Is it more fitting to say, ‘Tis the season to feel tense, frustrated and constantly on-the-go?

Keep Your Relationship a Priority This Holiday

Whether you’re feeling totally overwhelmed or slightly frustrated during the holiday season, it’s easy to lose perspective about what’s most important and valuable to you–your relationships.

Here are five points to help you (and your spouse/partner) stay grounded during all that’s going on this busy time of year:

5 Marriage/Relationship Help Tips to Help You Survive the Holidays

1. Don’t lose sight of your true priorities

What does the holiday season mean to you and your spouse/partner? Give this question some serious thought because your answer is what ultimately should shape and guide your holiday experience.

Ironically, the gift of love (coming together with loved ones) can easily be forgotten this time of year. Wherever you live, it’s difficult to ignore the rabid commercialism and materialism that have invaded the holidays. Holidays are big business and many of us are programmed to believe that the makings of a perfect holiday are found at your favorite retail store.

This creates a pressured, frenetic experience that can place significant stress on couples and their marriage/relationship. So periodically stop, take a few deep breaths and ask each other what’s really important this time of year.

2. Create your own unique holiday rituals

Developing non-material rituals to express your love and appreciation is a powerful way to celebrate your marriage/relationship throughout the holiday season (and throughout the year). One of the most powerful rituals centers on gratitude. And how you express gratitude for your spouse/partner should be a reflection of his/her uniqueness and the meaning s/he holds for you. Be thoughtful and creative.

How can you show your gratitude this holiday season (non-material gratitude)?

3. Don’t become attached to an outcome at the expense of your relationship

You (or your partner) may have a particular vision of what the holidays should look like—a vision that really captures what the holidays mean to you. This is a good thing, right? Well it can be, but it can also cause you and your family undue stress.

Marital/relationship stress arises when a holiday vision is rigidly pursued and, in the process, the relationship gets trampled. One woman had the goal of bringing together family members who haven’t gotten along in years. This made her so tense and agitated (in anticipation of what might happen) that her mood began to negatively color her husband’s holiday experience. Ironically, her vision (unity in the family) caused estrangement between her and her spouse.

4.  Ask for help and let go of control

Asking for help seems like a no-brainer, but for some of us, preparing for the holidays is a painful exercise in trying to maintain control.  The mindset, “I am the only one who can do this the right way” will just overwhelm you, and as a result, overwhelm your loved ones.

Delegating tasks means just that—handing over responsibility to others so that one person doesn’t feel burdened. Delegating does not mean you hand over responsibility to your mate and then monitor his/her performance based on how you would accomplish the task! Acting in this way is a recipe for significant marital/relationship stress (and an unpleasant holiday experience).

5. Keep empathy alive this holiday season!

The holidays can mean different things to different people.  Appreciating what it means to your spouse/partner can go a long way in staying emotionally connected to each other throughout the ups and downs of the season.

For example, for Christina the holidays are about seeing friends and family she rarely gets to spend time with—good food, reminiscing, and lots of laughs are tops on her holiday priority list. But for her husband Ben, the holidays hold very different associations due to his father’s life-long struggle with alcoholism (Ben shared that many childhood holidays were ruined because of his father’s excessive drinking).

Does this mean that Christina should forgo her holiday celebration? Of course not, but compassionately acknowledging Ben’s struggle allows him to feel understood and accepted by his wife (which helps him remain more present during the celebrations rather than emotionally tumbling into past painful memories).

Holding the above tips in mind can help you stay sane and enjoy this holiday season. Remember, at their core, holidays are about nurturing relationships!

Marriage/Relationship Resources

Give your relationship a gift this season…the Marriage Enrichment Workbook special.

To receive free relationship help tips and 2 bonus reports, don’t forget to subscribe to the Relationship Advice Newsletter.

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

It’s easy to spot someone who is grateful; they exude a type of energy that you want to be around, an energy that draws people to them.  This shouldn’t come as a surprise, since research now shows that experiencing gratitude is actually good for you.

Even better, the latest research demonstrates that gratitude is good for your marriage/relationship too.

In a research study by Nathaniel Lambert, people who experience and share feelings of gratitude and appreciation with their partner rated their relationship more positively compared to only thinking appreciative thoughts about one’s mate (without vocalizing their appreciation).

These findings suggest that it is the act of communicating appreciation or gratitude that feeds positivity into your relationship.

How can you use this information to strengthen your marriage/relationship?

As a marriage/couples counselor, I’ve seen expressions of gratitude give relationships a much-needed boost and I’ve seen expressions of gratitude go nowhere.

Here are some points to remember that can make gratitude the antidote to a hurting relationship:

1. When it comes to gratitude, think small.

It’s easy to be grateful when your love surprises you with a new car or a dream cruise, but grand gestures such as these are usually few and far between.

Instead, focus on the small things you feel grateful for: the way s/he smiles, when your partner lets you sleep an extra half hour while s/he takes care of the kids, when your mate stops to pick you up your favorite Starbucks drink…you get the point.

2. Feel the appreciation before you express it.

You can begin to lose your partner’s trust if s/he senses that your words of gratitude are inauthentic. Remember, it is your feelings of gratitude that will stay with your partner long after your last spoken words of gratitude.

3. Don’t expect anything in return.

The gift of gratitude is in the act of sharing your feelings. When you anticipate or expect something in return (like reciprocated words of appreciation), you dilute the benefits of gratitude. Be selfless when you express your appreciation.

4. Don’t express gratitude when your spouse/partner is upset with you about something.

There’s a time and a place for everything, including gratitude. Expressions of appreciation when your partner is upset or angry with you can feel invalidating to your partner (since what you’re saying is so contradictory to what s/he is currently feeling about you). Resolve any current conflict or pressing issue before expressing your gratitude.

5. Gratitude is a mindset rather than a one-time event.

When couples hear about the benefits of gratitude, they frequently make the mistake of poor follow-through. For instance, they might keep a gratitude journal for a few days or weeks but then revert back to rarely communicating appreciation.

To overcome this problem, think of gratitude as a mindset, a way of being and a way of viewing the world rather than an isolated, special event to do on a particular occasion.

Finally, be patient and allow the benefits of gratitude to slowly take hold of your relationship.  Now it’s time to take this latest research and make it a regular part of your marriage/relationship!

Marriage/Relationship Resources

1) Save 25% off my most popular relationship workbooks when you purchase my Marriage Enrichment Package special.

2) To receive relationship help tips, subscribe to my free Relationship Advice Newsletter.

Wishing you and your relationship all the best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro