Archive for the ‘Gratitude & Marriage’ Category

Relationship Help Quick Tip:

If you want to strengthen your marriage/relationship, think small: Pick one tiny behavior that you’ve wanted to change about yourself (or a behavior that drives your spouse/partner up a wall) and commit to changing it.

You might be thinking “easier said than done.” But if it’s a small change–something that wouldn’t take a great deal of effort—your chance of success increase significantly. And don’t kid yourself, small changes add up to big differences over the long haul.

As a marriage and couples counselor, I’ve seen first-hand how important consistent follow-through is to strengthening a marriage/relationship and creating lasting change.

The golden rule for meaningful change is patience and persistence.

One Reason Why Marital/Relationship Problems Persist

Couples frequently make the following mistake: they identify a behavior that they want to add or subtract from the marriage/relationship, such as adding the behavior of holding hands more often, and they do this for several days. And then they wait and observe.

What are they looking for?

They expect to see a quick benefit for their efforts–for the relationship sky to crack open and their spouse or partner to proclaim, “You’ve been wonderful and affectionate these last couple of days, I don’t even know why I’ve been so upset with you!”

And when the anticipated results are nowhere to be found, couples give up and fall back on the old patterns that got them into trouble in the first place.

The payoff for small changes happens down the road. So it’s important to put your focus and energy into turning the new change into a welcome habit.  As this habit grows, it can lead to other small, positive changes in you (and your partner)–ripple effects often occur over time.

So invest your energy and mental focus into making the change a regular part of your relationship–don’t wait around for the payoff. Expecting a particular outcome (such as immediate acknowledgement from your spouse) is a setup for frustration and disappointment. Be patient.

Relationship Help Tip: An area ripe for a small change

As a spouse/partner, how do you typically start and end your day?

I often ask couples about how they greet and say goodbye to one another. This is an important area of relationships that is often neglected or minimized. Making a small change here can pack a big relationship punch down the road.

Improving the way you greet your partner and say good-bye are quick and easy to do– but often overlooked in our hectic, chaotic lives. A warm, expressive greeting (when you wake up–OK, after you’ve had your coffee–or when you return home) can set the emotional stage for the rest of the day or evening.

An affectionate “good-bye” also allows you and your spouse/partner to emotionally hold on to positive, loving feelings while separated from each other. Remember, it’s usually the last thing you say or do (your exit behavior) that stays with your partner during separations.

You’d be surprised how often couples skip this simple way to book-end their days.  It may seem easier to put all your morning energies into rushing around and running out the door in order to be on time. But when you start your day in this way, you overlook small but meaningful opportunities to stop, make eye contact with your partner and genuinely wish him/her a good day.

Don’t fall into this trap.

Marriage Help Resources

To receive free monthly relationship help tips (plus 2 bonus reports), sign up for my Relationship Help Newsletter.

If you are ready to bring your relationship to the next level, don’t forget to check out my special Marriage Enrichment workbook offer.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Do you have good relationship habits?

As a marriage/couples counselor I see a wide range of relationship problems–from the minor issues we all struggle with to major marital/relationship issues that are pulling a couple apart. While some couples are so incompatible it’s unlikely their marriage or relationship will survive, many of the couples I work with are simply the victims of unhealthy relationship habits.

An unhealthy relationship habit is anything that can cause you and your partner to grow apart. While there are many things that can lead to an unhealthy relationship habit (e.g. the impact of stress, repeating problematic relationship patterns from your past), it’s important to develop a conscious plan to overcome these habits.

Here are a couple of suggestions to get you moving in the right direction.

Relationship Help: Steps to Developing Healthy Relationship Habits

1) Schedule “protected” time with your spouse/partner. During that time make it off-limits to discuss any topic that is taxing your marriage or relationship. Avoid the tendency to cancel these meetings when life’s pressures mount. Your relationship is probably one of your life’s top priorities—be sure to treat it that way.

2) Create a list of topics you need to avoid during this time. Review each other’s list and come to an agreement about which issues to steer clear of—remember, this protected time is designed to feed and nurture your relationship, not tax your relationship by having problem-focused discussions.

3) Have “what’s-working-for-me” conversations—in other words, focus on what works in your relationship. Let the question, “What do I love and admire about my spouse or partner?” guide you.  Reminisce about the fun times and make a plan to reintroduce some of these enjoyable activities into your life.

4) Cultivate a mindset of gratitude. Research has shown that intentionally focusing on the aspects of your life that you are grateful for can increase positive emotions. Regularly articulate the things about your spouse/partner and your relationship that you are grateful for. This will help foster positive feelings and deepen intimacy.

5) Discover and participate in activities that are mutually satisfying. One couple I worked with decided to take a cooking class together. While the husband was originally skeptical, he ended up enjoying the class more than his wife and they reported having a great time together.

Relationship Rule: Novel activities can infuse life into your relationship.

And now here is the biggest challenge: Make the above a regular part of your relationship routine!

Whether it’s weekly, biweekly or monthly, participating regularly in discussions and activities that feed intimacy will go a long way in developing healthy relationship habits and strengthening the emotional bond that is the foundation of your marriage/relationship.

Marriage/Relationship Resources:

If you’d like to receive my marriage help and relationship advice tips each month, sign up for my free Relationship Advice Newsletter.

To give your marriage/relationship a serious workout, check out my new Marriage Enrichment Workbook special.

Wishing you and your relationship all the best,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.” — Cynthia Ozick

Consider this interesting research finding: Couples counseling that focused mainly on improving couples communication and problem-solving skills helped reduce negative patterns of communication but did not lead couples to feel emotionally closer to one another (emotional intimacy didn’t increase).

Think about it this way: If you feel there’s a void in your marriage or relationship, and if you focus solely on reducing the negatives that exist—while undeniably helpful in reducing a certain amount of marital and relationship distress—that void may persist.

More is needed to increase the intimacy you and your spouse/partner desire.

Marriage Help & Relationship Advice: Questions to get you moving in the right direction

The sharing of positive intentions and feelings is one way couples can bridge their emotional divide and feel closer.

In order to prime your mind toward the positives, start by asking yourself the following:

• What is it about your partner that you admire and respect? (Brainstorm a list without censoring yourself.)
• Which specific characteristics that initially drew you to your partner might you now be overlooking?
• What is it about your partner that you would never change, under any conditions?
• If you’re planning a family, which personality traits and values does your spouse/partner have that you hope your children possess?

Answering these questions is a good starting point. The next step is to invite your spouse/partner to answer the same (or similar) questions and then to share your responses with each other!

Remember, shared gratitude goes a long way in reigniting and maintaining intimacy. Notice the emotional atmosphere this type of sharing creates.

Periodically revisiting these questions (and others you might come up with) can help you stay mindful of all that works about your marriage/relationship.

If you have a strong emotional connection with your partner, I bet you’re already doing some of what is suggested above, even if you’re unaware of it—keep it up!

Marriage/Relationship Resources:

Are you ready to bring your relationship to the next level?

I created a special Marriage Enrichment Workbook package that gives you powerful tools to nurture and protect your relationship.

Here’s to protecting the sanctuary of your marriage/relationship.

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.

Couple Spotlight: Meet Joan and Frank (and how an old song turned their marriage around)

To say that Joan and Frank were constantly arguing is an understatement—marital conflict and relationship problems had become the norm, and to adapt to this painful reality, the couple simply started avoiding one another. What little communication occurred centered on their children and other household practicalities.

Like many couples caught in the grips of negativity, each felt the other was being unreasonable and a poor communicator.

After reading several relationship advice books and marriage help articles, the couple realized that the added stress of a recent move was probably a major factor in their relationship struggle, but this information wasn’t enough to reverse the downward spiral.

So what helped them?

One evening Frank was listening to music online, and an 80s song that he and Joan used to love started playing. As he tells it, “I started thinking about the way we used to get all silly and dance together, so I called out to Joan to ask her if she remembered this song. I could see her face light up when she heard it…”

On the surface this might seem like a trivial exchange, but what ended up happening is that Joan and Frank spent most of that evening reminiscing about the good times they shared throughout their twenty-three year relationship. The more they reminisced, the more each began to soften emotionally (become less defensive and start to express warmth toward one another). Slowly a door of opportunity opened that allowed them to take the steps needed to break the cycle of negativity.

A one-time event wouldn’t have been enough

Rather than let this positive moment quickly fade into the ongoing backdrop of marital conflict, Joan asked her husband if he’d be willing to spend each day talking about positive memories they shared with each other. Frank quickly jumped on this invitation and for several weeks the couple began discussing one positive memory after another. This led to conversations of what they’re grateful for in their marriage today.

While there wasn’t an immediate turnaround, the couple slowly regained their emotional footing by increasing their mindfulness of all that has and continues to work in their marriage. Embracing a gratitude mindset (which takes time and effort to cultivate) can be a powerful antidote to the stresses that impact so many relationships.

Is there something you can use from Joan and Frank’s story to strengthen your own relationship?

If you’d like to receive marriage help tips each month, sign up for my Relationship Advice Newsletter (as a gift for subscribing, you’ll immediately receive my special reports on how to resolve conflict and deepen intimacy).

In this brief audio, Dr. Nicastro discusses the importance of creating a gratitude mindset to help deepen intimacy and head off the negativity that can creep into your marriage or relationship.

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