Archive for the ‘Love and Forgiveness’ Category

“Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.” ~Tryon Edwards

Couples make mistakes. It’s inevitable that you and your partner will upset, frustrate, and hurt one another from time to time—to expect otherwise is unrealistic and a setup for major disappointment. But the inevitability of your relationship mistakes doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hold each other responsible, and it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll always be given a free pass when you mess up. Ultimately, too many free passes sends the wrong message that you can act any way you please without any consequences.

The fact is, we all need to be responsible for our words and actions—responsible for how we treat each other…but even with your efforts to be a responsible, loving partner, you will make mistakes.

(Note that the relationship mistakes I’m referring to as inevitable do not include abusive or neglectful behavior, or betrayals such as infidelity. The focus here is on the mis-communications, incompatibilities and disagreements that often arise in long-term relationships. These events can have a profound impact on the quality of one’s marriage/relationship).

Relationship Help: Forgiveness in Marriage & Romantic Relationships

A key ingredient in the forgiveness process: A sincere apology

Without the ability to forgive your spouse/partner (and vice versa), the mistakes you both make will accumulate and fester, and can have lasting, detrimental effects on your marriage/relationship.

But forgiveness doesn’t occur in a vacuum, especially when you have to live with the very person you must forgive! 

In order for the forgiveness process to be meaningful, the person apologizing for his/her transgression must realize that when you apologize, when you say “I’m sorry” and really mean it, you are implying the following:

I will work to change my behavior…I may not be perfect, but I will be mindful of how I hurt you and adjust my actions accordingly.

By its very nature, an apology implies that a future change will occur.

Here’s the thing to remember: an apology without a change in behavior at some point becomes meaningless, and the potential fallout is that over time your words and promises will be seen as hollow and you will be perceived as insincere and hypocritical. When our words stop mattering to our loved ones, when our words cannot be counted on, a betrayal of trust has occurred and the very foundation of the relationship is seriously compromised.

So be mindful when you apologize, mindful of the responsibility that comes with your “I’m sorry.”

Your words have significant power to influence and impact your partner but this power exists only when followed by behaviors and actions that support the underlying meaning of what you are vocalizing.

Forgiveness Workbook/Resources

For more information on how to make forgiveness a regular part of your relationship, click Forgiveness Workbook.

And for more information about my other marriage/relationship help books, visit Relationship Workbook.

Here’s to the gifts of true forgiveness!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Some of us treat forgiveness like a rare, special gift, only to be unwrapped and presented to another under the most extreme of circumstances and only after the person seeking forgiveness has completed a Herculean set of tasks that show genuine remorse and hand-wringing regret. But the truth is forgiveness shouldn’t be boxed up and treated as an isolated event, but should be used freely and often, not only for our partner’s sake when they’re asking to be forgiven, but for our own sake, and for the good of the relationship as a whole.

The ability and willingness to forgive is a powerful tool that can benefit all couples. Typically when you think of forgiveness in marriage, it has to do with extreme violations of trust, such as infidelity. Clearly one’s ability to forgive is severely tested when a marriage/relationship is devastated by the fallout of an affair. In my work with couples, I’ve repeatedly observed how marital/relationship problems often result from the failure of couples to develop a forgiveness mindset when faced with the common struggles we all face—the daily “small forgiveness” challenges.

The power (and potentially negative influence) of these small challenges cannot be overstated. If unresolved or unforgiven, they can build up a toxic residue that pulls couples apart—even strong relationships buckle under the weight of cumulative stresses and unresolved transgressions.

While not as dramatic and immediate as an egregious betrayal, the daily relationship challenges we all encounter can ultimately turn out to be just as damaging to a marriage or relationship. General disagreements, failure to see eye-to-eye on important issues, the inability or unwillingness to compromise, the unchecked influence of stress and financial worries, conflicts over child-care issues, are just some of the typical experiences that can add up and lead to relationship trouble.

These familiar, daily stresses and challenges often have a cumulative effect, building momentum like a ripple in the ocean that slowly transforms into a dangerous wave. Your relationship will become more resilient when these challenges are filtered through the compassion of a forgiveness mindset.

Mutual forgiveness and understanding are lifejackets in rough relationship waters.

Forgiveness In Marriage Action Step

The following questions are designed to help raise awareness of your attitudes toward forgiveness and the role of forgiveness in your marriage/relationship.

As you reflect on the following questions, please write your answers out (the act of writing can help you clarify your position and learn more about yourself and what your relationship demands of you):

When you think about the word “forgiveness,” list all the thoughts and feelings that immediately come to mind (without judging yourself, and without editing your thoughts).

What blocks forgiveness for you? (For instance, particular feelings, beliefs, memories, circumstances.)

Do you believe you can forgive someone and still protect yourself, still maintain appropriate boundaries around your emotional self? If so, how?

Who were your models of forgiveness growing up? Give at least two examples of how mistakes/transgressions were handled in your family.

In what ways do your forgiveness role models (and experiences of childhood forgiveness) continue to influence why and how you forgive in your current relationships?

Forgiveness in Marriage Resource

Because forgiveness plays such a central role in a healthy relationship, I’ve created an extensive forgiveness workbook for couples. For more information on my forgiveness workbook, click the link below:

The Art of Forgiveness.

This workbook is designed to help you and your partner cultivate a compassionate forgiveness mindset to be used in your day-to-day life as well as when you face major transgressions.

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Considering the challenges couples face in maintaining a loving, long-term relationship, isn’t it safe to assume that forgiveness and learning how to forgive are essential parts of all marriages/relationships?

Love and forgiveness go hand in hand

Forgiving your spouse/partner can only arise from your ability to forgive yourself.

Let’s find out why.

The Roots of Self-Forgiveness

Fora child, there is no difference between self-forgiveness and other-forgiveness. When you are taught at a young age to say “I’m sorry” or you witness gestures of forgiveness between your parents, you are learning a mindset about how people treat one another.

Children mimic the behavior of others and these “outside” relationships become the
foundation for the child’s relationship with him/herself (your “inside” relationship—
how you treat and feel about yourself).

For instance, let’s imagine that a five-year-old child witnesses his father being verbally abusive to his mother. The child sees a relationship where derogatory terms and hostile feelings shape the interactions of his parents. In this case, the child learns that hostility is an acceptable way to deal with certain problems. But the child also learns something important about how to deal with his own feelings and experiences.

Let’s say that in our example the husband was demeaning his wife because she was upset about an unresolved issue with her brother, so she was tearful and sad. These feelings evoked the ire of her abusive husband. In this case the child may learn to feel angry and hostile toward himself (and others) whenever he experiences similar feelings that his mother was berated for.

Self-directed hostility, rather than kindness and acceptance, becomes part of the child’s way of dealing with his/her emotional world (aspects of parental relationships become internalized, so you begin to treat yourself the way your parents treated one another); and these early relationships also influence how you react to others, including your spouse/partner.

In the above example, the child’s lack of acceptance (as modeled by his/her father’s lack of acceptance of his wife) becomes the basis for an inability to forgive oneself as well as others.

Observing how others treat one another is a powerful learning tool that shapes the behavior of children. And of course, how important others directly treat and interact with a child will affect his/her ability to forgive. When you are treated with kindness, respect and fairness, a forgiving mindset is more likely to be fostered—this is especially the case when you were disciplined with kindness, respect and fairness as a child. In these instances, children learn that kindness and respect can still be part of the relationship even when people are upset with each other and mistakes are made.

After all, isn’t forgiveness most apparent?

Marriage/Relationship Books-Resources

Are you ready to make forgiveness a regular part of your relationship?

I’ve created a comprehensive workbook for couples on forgiveness in marriage. Creating a healthy marriage/relationship will always involve learning how to forgive!

Finally, I’ve brought together 3 essential relationship resources into one bonus offer. Check out my Marriage Enrichment special.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

The following is a short excerpt from my workbook, The Art of Forgiveness: The Key Ingredient in Every Successful Relationship.  As a psychologist and marriage/couples counselor I’ve seen over and over again how central the role of forgiveness is in creating a healthy marriage/relationship.

The short passage below briefly examines what happens when forgiveness is lacking in marriage.

From The Art of Forgiveness workbook:

Never ruin an apology with an excuse.

~Kimberly Johnson

I’d now like you to think of what’s on the opposite end of the forgiveness spectrum:

Holding a grudge.

And how will holding a grudge make you feel? If you’re like most people, the feeling of righteousness that initiates a grudge wears off and you’re left feeling stuck, angry, bitter and resentful. And holding a grudge with someone you live with will obviously only negatively impact your relationship. So learn to let things go, maybe even at times when your partner hasn’t “earned” your forgiveness yet (gasp!).

Forgiveness is for you, to free yourself from the burden of hurt, resentment and emotional bruising that is inevitable when you let down your psychological defenses and remain open and vulnerable to another.

I’ve worked with many distressed couples, and part of the problem for a significant portion of them was an inability or unwillingness to forgive, to let go of past grievances that they remained stuck to.

Here’s the point to remember: many of these couples were trying to cope with the struggles that all couples face (I’m not talking about the devastating impact of infidelity here)—the common challenges and missteps and letdowns added up over the years until anger and hopelessness stood in the way of forgiveness.

Connection (a re-establishment of emotional intimacy and feelings of closeness) often follows forgiveness!

Grudges and lingering resentments sever the connection and you end up feeling

isolated and alone within the walls of your relationship. Think about this for a moment:

You can be in a relationship yet still be alone. This is often confusing and very

distressing for couples. And many try to “fix” their marital problems and relationship issues without first looking at the need to forgive each other. When forgiveness isn’t addressed while a problem area is being addressed, the couple’s efforts to “communicate better” and reconnect often grinds to a halt (because the underlying grievances and hurt continue to pull at them)—when this occurs they end up feeling more hopeless and may ultimately move closer to deciding to end the marriage or relationship.

A forgiveness mindset clears away the emotional baggage and challenges that can pull a marriage or relationship apart. It’s as if the runway of your heart needs to be cleared of emotional debris before effective communication and intimacy can take off and land.

Marriage/Relationship Resources

To learn how to make forgiveness a regular part of your marriage/relationship, check out my workbook, The Art of Forgiveness: The Key Ingredient in Every Successful Relationship.

And don’t forget to take advantage of my free Relationship Advice Newsletter. You’ll receive two bonus reports as a gift for subscribing.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

(The following post is an excerpt from my workbook, The Art of Forgiveness: The Key Ingredient in Every Relationship. The premise is that daily acts of forgiveness are vital for a healthy relationship and meaningful intimacy. Many of the couples who seek my relationship help and marriage advice are stuck because they lack a collaborative forgiveness mindset–a mindset we can all cultivate with practice).

“He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.”

~George Herbert

All couples should work toward adopting a collaborative forgiveness mindset.

When you work toward collaborative forgiveness, you strive to create an atmosphere that acknowledges the importance of WE instead of simply “I.”  Building a collaborative atmosphere of forgiveness is an ongoing, elastic process that allows for mistakes and errors—it allows two fallible humans to come together and work as a team; it allows you and your partner to stumble and err as you both attempt to navigate the complexities and mysteries of an intimate union.

Collaborative forgiveness is a judgment-free atmosphere that still gives you and your partner permission to challenge one another to be the best partner/spouse/person possible. Challenging one another when appropriate is very different from criticizing and judging each other. Challenging occurs within the fabric of support and connection; criticizing breaks apart the “we” of the relationship and is fueled by a right versus- wrong mindset. Criticism places someone into a superior role (the person who is “right”) and the other person then exists in a shame-based, inferior role (the person who is “wrong”).

When your relationship is overwhelmed by criticism, finger-pointing and condemnation, the trust and safety that are vital for intimacy will never be realized.

The cancerous growth of criticism is one reason why so many couples drift apart and fail to maintain the connection essential to a long-term successful relationship.

Openness and Acceptance: Essential ingredients to collaborative forgiveness.

How do you practice creating an atmosphere of collaborative forgiveness?

To create an atmosphere of collaborative forgiveness, it is your job and responsibility to monitor your own critical thoughts (and your partner should do the same). The goal is to become aware of all the ways in which you judge your partner (and others). If your knee-jerk reaction in reading this is, “Hold on a second, I don’t judge him/her!” just hear me out on this one.

Over the last fifteen years I’ve had many clients practice thought-monitoring (keeping a journal of their thoughts throughout the day). This is an effective way to become more mindful of the subtleties of your experiences. And whenever they give serious attention toward becoming mindful of their attitudes and thoughts, a large percent of them are surprised to discover how many critical, judgment-based thoughts are actually a part of their daily life.

Many of these thoughts are fleeting and can be so automatic that you probably aren’t even aware of them. Even subtle judgments can have a profound, negative impact on you and your marriage/relationship. A mindset consisting of judgment and criticism is the polar opposite of the acceptance needed for collaborative forgiveness to grow.

Relationship Help: Self-reflection Action Step

To become mindful of the role of criticalness in your life and in your relationship, I’d like you to take the following challenge:

Monitor your thinking for one week.

Simply be mindful of the thoughts you are having, especially while interacting with others.

To help you stay on task, it is recommended that you keep a journal of the thoughts you become aware of.

During this exercise be aware of all comparisons (comparisons are sometimes subtle) that you make between yourself and others.

To make the gifts of forgiveness a regular part of your marriage/relationship, check out my 170-page Art of Forgiveness Workbook.