Archive for the ‘Passion, Sex and Intimacy’ Category

Passion in Marriage: Variety is the spice of life

Why you should try something different with your spouse/partner.

The exciting passion that is inherent to many new relationships usually becomes sidelined by the familiar and routine as the marriage/relationship ages. This is natural. If the sexual terrain of your relationship feels too predictable (and a relationship rut has set in), try changing the routines that have led to stagnation. You and your partner might find it exciting to periodically
replace the familiar with something new, such as changing the location where sex typically occurs or educating yourselves about new sexual activities/positions (The New Joy of Sex is an excellent book to help couples explore different sexual activities).

Research shows that when you engage in novel activities, the pleasure centers of your brain become more active and lead to a range of positive feelings, greater focus and increased motivation. In fact, new and exciting experiences cause your brain to release
the same neurotransmitters that were responsible for the heady euphoria you experienced when you first fell in love! So when you and your partner create new and varied experiences (sexually or otherwise), an orbit of positive feelings surround your
relationship.

It’s a simple fact: You strengthen your marriage/relationship when you and your spouse/partner create and share opportunities that elicit positive feelings, including an increase in sensuality and passion.

The Try Something Different Action Plan:

Again, this doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual. The positive effects come from creating a shared and novel experience together. This is why couples seem to fall in love all over again when they go on vacation. The novelty of the experience creates a
sharing of positive feelings that reframes the way couples see each other—the old power struggles and lingering issues seem less important when new, positive experiences are created.

Brainstorm a list of new activities you’d like to try with each other (each of you should
try to come up with at least 5 items):

Your List              Your Partner’s List
1.                          1.
2.                          2.
3.                          3.
4.                          4.
5.                          5.

After completing your respective lists, you should swap lists. From your partner’s list, circle the items that you are open to trying with him/her (after circling your items, prioritize each choice by writing a letter next to the item. Letter “A” would be your first choice, “B” your second, “C” your third, and so on).

This next step is very important: take your list back.

Now it’s your responsibility to schedule the activity your partner circled, starting with her/his top priority. You can rotate going back and forth from each other’s lists (after you complete your partner’s “A” on your list, you move to completing your “A” on his/her list, and so on).

Depending on your preference and lifestyle, you may want to try something from each other’s list once a week, twice a month or monthly. Find a pace that works for the both of you.

The most meaningful part to this exercise is following through on each other’s lists.

Some couples fail at this point—they lack the follow-through needed to experiment with these new experiences. Note any resistances that might arise and address them right away. And really put effort into the follow-through. Sometimes just starting is
half the battle. Many couples I’ve worked with have said that once they actually began, they found this exercise immensely enjoyable and rewarding, and wondered what they were ever resisting!

Passion and Sexual Intimacy Resource

Many couples in long-term marriages/relationships struggle to keep passion and intimacy alive and central to their relationship. As a psychologist and couples counselor for almost twenty-years, I’ve seen this struggle play out over and over again.

To help give couples the information and tools needed, I’ve created a comprehensive, easy-to-use Passion, Sex and Intimacy workbook. 

Here’s to increasing passion and intimacy in your relationship!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Not all sex is alike…

…There’s intimate sex, anonymous sex, gentle and sensitive sex, rough and aggressive sex, sex that expresses love, sex that’s purely physical, sex that is emotionally connecting, sex that is isolating, raw sex, spiritual sex, naughty sex, sterile sex, boring sex, passionate sex, spontaneous sex, planned sex, playful/experimental sex, routinized/scripted sex, selfish sex, selfless sex, self-conscious sex, freeing-abandoning sex…

All these (and others) can play a part in the makeup of one’s sexual-self—self potentials that exist and seek recognition and expression.

As a psychologist and couples/marriage counselor, I frequently work with couples who feel stuck in their relationship, and often this relationship rut permeates the couple’s sex life. A common couples refrain is, “We’re just so busy, we haven’t had time for sex.” And while the “too little time” explanation is a reality, it’s only part of the sexual landscape that can become problematic for married couples (and couples in a long-term relationship).

What is the other part of the sexual dilemma many couples struggle with?

The Sexual Dilemma in Long-Term Love

“Sometimes I want to just get laid by my husband. He was shocked when I told him to save the sweet talk for another time…We ended up having really hot sex that night.”  ~ Holly, married eight years, discussing her sexual fantasies

In the above quote it’s obvious that Holly isn’t afraid to take sexual risks with her husband, in this case her sexual-self was expressing its more primitive, “naughty” side. But Holly is more of the exception  than the rule when it comes to sex and long-term love. Let’s see why this might be the case.

As compassion, caring and love grows and deepens, spouses/partners in long-term relationships are faced with a quandary, a sexual dilemma (one that often remains unconscious): How to express your sexual-self when certain sexual desires and longings feel contrary to the landscape of a loving, respectful and equitable marriage/relationship.   

Sexual expressiveness at this level is risky business for couples who have grown emotionally intertwined and dependent on one another.  Exposing oneself sexually involves taking some of the greatest emotional risks couples face—shame, rejection, humiliation, guilt, and self-reproach are some of the potential dangers involved in the sexual dilemma. “Anonymous” sex rarely has such emotional perils—the longed-for experience of sexual abandon and affirmation without risk is always sought, pressing to be realized in the confines of a loving relationship.

The sexual dilemma is encapsulated by the following quote from Diane, a housewife and mother of two teenagers:

“I’d never cheat on my husband, I’m totally committed and adore him. But there are times that I wish I could feel the same sexual freedom with him as I would if I had sex with someone I didn’t really care about emotionally.” 

Diane went on to describe that she would feel “devastated” if her husband rejected her, and it’s that fear that always exists at some level when she wants to fully express her sexual needs and longings with him.

How One Husband Took a Sexual Risk – With Terrible Results

Meet Jerry:  A dedicated and loving husband, a caring and patient father and a responsible businessman and community leader.

Like the rest of us, Jerry is a complex and multi-layered sexual being.

His sexual-self consists of different levels of need and desire (he can be a kind and compassionate lover, emotionally expressive and caring, selfless and highly attuned to his wife’s sexual desires, and Jerry also likes to push the sexual envelope from time to time).

One of the layers of Jerry’s sexual-self includes a desire to be provocative, to be mildly aggressive during sex (not abusive) and to experience a feeling of sexual abandon—all experiences that he and his wife, Laura, shared for the first four years of their relationship. Their early sexual experiences typically involved role-playing, and rough and tumble sex that included biting, restraints, hair-pulling, mutual forcefulness and provocation.

Each had the desire to use and be used by the other, to take control at times and give up control at other times – experiences they both found exciting and highly erotic.  

Fast-forward seven years later: Not unlike many married couples, their sex life has cooled off considerably, and while they both enjoy sex, they realize that the sexual spark that was prevalent early on has dimmed. They both desire more sexual contact but competing priorities often get in the way.

Missing “the good old days,” one night Jerry hoped to reclaim the sexual passion that he and Laura used to share. Unfortunately, the sexual experience didn’t turn out well (major understatement), and Jerry hasn’t initiated sex since.

As he described it, “Ten years ago, our sex life used to be so intense, I really miss that. We’d really push the envelope together. I realize things are different now [the couple has a two-year-old child and they both work long hours] but it doesn’t mean sex has to be mechanical and boring, does it?” 

In an effort to reclaim the sexual passion of their earlier sex life, Jerry tried “talking dirty” to his wife  one evening while he tried to seduce her.  He shared, “We used to provoke each other sexually, she’d bite me…I’d pull her hair. It all added to the sexual intensity…I was trying to capture that. It wasn’t like we never did this before…”

The Eye-Roll That Shook A Marriage 

Upon hearing Jerry’s sex-talk, Laura rolled her eyes, an unintentional reaction which ended up feeling like an emotional dagger in Jerry’s heart. “I felt like such a jerk, like a pervert. I was hoping to push the envelope again but honestly, I just gave up at that point. I ended up feeling bad about myself and angry with Laura for a long time. Later Laura apologized and explained what was going on for her [she wasn't feeling well and had had a difficult day at work] and that did help me, but…” 

Jerry’s solution has been to quarantine this adventurous part of his sexual-self out of fear of further rejection and humiliation.  This has been a significant loss for him.

Sex and Marriage: Building a Sexual Playground Together

What did Jerry really want from his wife that evening?

On that occasion, Jerry needed to have sex with Laura, not make love to her—but he also needed something much more profound—something that most couples don’t recognize.

Jerry yearned to be a different person, different from his typical self—the self that occupies center stage of his waking life.  He needed to temporarily break free of the roles that consume so much of him: responsible husband, dedicated and loving father, reliable and friendly co-worker, law-abiding citizen, steadfast believer and church-goer, etc.

He wanted to be momentarily transformed with and by Laura; he was seeking a forbidden invitation from her to enter an exciting world they used to share together.  For Jerry to experience the transformation he desired, he needed Laura to be transformed too, he needed her to be less recognizable to him—at some level, this would give him permission to get lost in the experience of sexual-abandon. But he couldn’t do this without Laura—from Jerry’s perspective, she had all the power to make this happen.

In order to achieve this transformation (a sexual experience that is self-liberating), Jerry couldn’t experience Laura as the responsible, over-worked wife, loving mother, caring friend—the person she was most of the time—this would only serve to remind Jerry of who he was most of the time.  He needed to take an adventure with his wife so that they could create a sexual playground, an atmosphere and experience where they could both get lost together, where they could temporarily exist and be in ways that felt different, exciting and liberating.

Sexual Abandon in a Loving Relationship

The power of this type of sexual experience is that it occurs within a loving, committed relationship. Jerry wasn’t needing or asking his wife to be another woman—he didn’t want to be with someone anonymous whom he could take greater risks with. Jerry needed to take this journey with the woman he loves and he needed to ultimately return to his day-to-day life with her.  

Jerry took comfort in the assumption that when they were finished romping in their sexual playground, he and Laura would return to their shared life and their individual roles that were temporarily abandoned, each with a renewed sense of rejuvenation and wholeness and a deeper knowledge of the other. And just as important is knowing that he and Laura can return to their sexual playground whenever they wanted, whenever they needed.

How will you and your spouse/partner create a judgment-free sexual playground together?

Passionate Marriage/Relationship Resource

As you know, a fulfilling, passionate sex life is an important part of a long-term, loving relationship. 

For more information on how you can create a passionate relationship, check out my Sex, Passion and Intimacy workbook.

Wishing you and your partner a passionate relationship!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Many new marriages/relationships are naturally passionate: Yearning for one another when not together, frequent and intense love-making, communicating your feelings through touch and sex.

But for many couples, the effortless passion of new love isn’t permanent:  over time the realities of domestic life rob relationships of the mystique that often fuels passion. Seeing one another under less than ideal circumstances, daily stresses, changing roles (like becoming parents), are just some of the passion drainers that all couples must contend with.

The Passionate marriage: You can increase desire in your marriage

(D) Do something different. Relationship ruts are the result of mind-numbing repetitiveness and seeing your spouse/partner as one-dimensional (only as a mother, rather than as a mother and as a woman with sexual needs). Being a little less predictable can plant the seeds of desire.

(E) Educate yourself about what turns your spouse/partner on. How can you accomplish this? ASK him/her. It can be as simple and straightforward as, “What turns you on?”

(S) Sex is a sensory experience. Learn to incorporate all of your senses (and try to stimulate all of your spouse’s/partner’s senses) during sex. Touch can be highly sensual and just by touching your partner in a new way, you can ramp up the desire in your marriage. 

(I) Inform your spouse/partner about what turns you on. This is where communication comes in: “I like it when you touch me like that”; “It drives me crazy when you talk dirty to me.”

(R) Role play in and outside of the bedroom: One couple I worked with used to go to a grocery store and pretend they were strangers meeting for the first time, with the evening ending in passionate love making (and this couple has been married for over thirty years!). When you role play, you bring back the mystery and novelty that often fuels passion early on in relationships.

(E) Experimentation is a mindset that can turn a ho-hum sex life into a passionate sex life.  It creates an atmosphere of openness and playfulness. Sexual experimentation doesn’t have to be complicated and there are many good books to help couples increase their sexual repertoire. New outfits, new sexual positions, new ways of initiating sex, new locations… You get the idea. 

So each letter of the word desire can be used as your passion guide to a more fulfilling sex life with your spouse/partner. One of the biggest resistances to using new information is the assumption that “real passion” should come naturally and that any effort on your part is an indication that your marriage or relationship is doomed to a passionless reality. This assumption is totally incorrect. Couples who have been together for many years and still have passionate sex take the time and effort to work at it!

Marriage/Relationship Help Resource

For a detailed roadmap on how to make passion and intimacy a central part of your relationship, check out my 182-page Passion, Sex and Intimacy: Keep the Fires of Passion Burning workbook.

Wishing you a passionate marriage,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

The following exercise is adapted from my workbook, Passion, Sex and Intimacy: Keep The Fires of Passion Burning. The goal of this exercise is to deepen your experience of pleasure and sexual fulfillment. Remember, a passionate marriage/relationship takes thoughtfulness and planning.

From Passion, Sex and Intimacy…

Reflect on the following question for a moment:

Are you a selfish lover or a selfless lover?

A selfish lover makes his/her sexual needs a priority. A selfless lover places his/her partner’s needs first. While we’d all like to think of ourselves as selfless lovers, the reality is that most of us go back and forth on a continuum of selfishness and selflessness (we’re human, after all!).

Problems usually arise when one person stays at the selfish end of the continuum for extended periods of time.

In an informal survey I conducted with the couples I work with, almost half felt that their partners were frequently selfish lovers. This came as a total shock to those being described as selfish. From these findings came the selfless lover exercise.

The rules of this exercise are simple: you and your partner will take turns being a selfish and selfless lover. In the role of the selfless lover, your goal is to meet your partner’s needs—to give him/her what s/he wants.

Your chief concern is to give your partner pleasure and make her/him feel taken care of sensually and sexually. So the person in the selfish role must communicate his/her needs, wants and desires to the selfless lover. And the selfless lover must ask questions if something doesn’t feel clear.

Then the next time you and your spouse/partner make love, the roles are reversed. Another variation of this exercise is to switch roles in the same evening (e.g., for a particular amount of time, you take one role and your partner takes the other, then you reverse roles at some designated point).

Passion, Sex and Intimacy Resource

For more information on how to keep passion alive in your marriage/relationship, check out my Passion, Sex and Intimacy workbook.

Here’s to a life-time of rewarding passion and intimacy!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

“He jumps out of bed like he’s late for an appointment. I’ve never seen him move so quickly. I end up feeling really alone. It’s confusing to be so close to him physically and emotionally one minute, and then to act like what just happened didn’t really happen…”

~Dominica, describing her husband’s behavior and her experience after sex

A great deal has been written in the marriage/relationship help literature about how to boost your sexual pleasure, increase passion and desire, and ways to satisfy your spouse/partner sexually. Clearly what happens before and during sex are important to a healthy and satisfying marriage/relationship.

But what about what happens right after sex?

Many couples fail to recognize that the power and experience of love-making isn’t isolated to the act of sex. The physical closeness, blending and merger of our bodies mirrors a powerful emotional interconnection and blending that occurs during sex. Sex is always physical and emotional—and the emotional stirrings triggered through sex continue after the orgasm (or after the sexual experience).

During and after sex, one’s emotional needs and vulnerabilities are heightened, giving couples an opportunity to nurture emotional intimacy. Unfortunately, like Dominica’s husband in the opening quote, many couples fail to recognize and nurture this post-sex opportunity. They quickly jump back onto the run-away train of life, failing to acknowledge and savor the enhanced emotional connectedness that comes with physical intimacy.

Your Emotional World During and After Sex

For many, an emotional bubble is created during and after making love—and life inside this bubble is different from ordinary, day-to-day life in many ways. Under ideal conditions (and to differing degrees), a deeper experience of connection, oneness, pleasure, sensuality, exploration, vitality and playfulness permeate this space. The perception of time may even cease when you’re in this erotic-intimacy bubble. This gives love-making a transcendent and transformative quality.

Exiting this space can be jarring if a transition is ignored or minimized. Care should be taken to foster a transitional space that bridges the experience of love-making and the reality of daily living—a transition that honors the expression of love, connection and vulnerabilities that occurred inside the bubble. This transition doesn’t have to be a time-consuming process as long as it is nurtured properly.

Relationship Help: So what should couples do to address this issue?

The first step is to understand that both you and your spouse’s/partner’s emotional needs and vulnerabilities remain heightened not only during, but also after sex. Denying this reality means denying opportunities to feed each other emotionally.

Relationship Reality: After sex, the potential to nurture emotional intimacy is elevated.

Awareness of these opportunities isn’t enough, however. Actions speak louder than words: Behaving more lovingly and compassionately toward each other—giving each other a little more attention, reassuring one another, directly expressing your love through words, as well as sharing what was special about the sexual experience for you can go a long way in building and maintaining intimacy.

Finally, it may be important to monitor your typical post-sex reactions and behavior. Without self-judgment, examine how you feel and how you behave toward your spouse/partner after sex.

Be mindful of your experience of emotional closeness—are you open to and accepting of an increase in emotional intimacy, or do you feel uneasy and find yourself shutting an emotional door in order to avoid a deeper level of connection?

Do you acknowledge and hold in consciousness the pleasures and closeness that just occurred (thereby feeding the deeper emotional connection that has been created), or do you crack open the bubble and jump back into the responsibilities and frenetic pace of life outside the bubble?

Understanding your typical post-sex reactions can go a long way in helping you reverse any patterns that may not be working for you or your spouse/partner.

Marriage/Relationship Books-Resources

Passion, sex and intimacy are essential aspects of a healthy marriage/relationship. For a comprehensive guide to enhancing sex and passion in your marriage/relationship, check out my workbook, Passion, Sex & Intimacy: Keep the Fires of Passion Burning.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro