Archive for the ‘Passion, Sex and Intimacy’ Category

The following exercise is adapted from my workbook, Passion, Sex and Intimacy: Keep The Fires of Passion Burning. The goal of this exercise is to deepen your experience of pleasure and sexual fulfillment. Remember, a passionate marriage/relationship takes thoughtfulness and planning.

From Passion, Sex and Intimacy…

Reflect on the following question for a moment:

Are you a selfish lover or a selfless lover?

A selfish lover makes his/her sexual needs a priority. A selfless lover places his/her partner’s needs first. While we’d all like to think of ourselves as selfless lovers, the reality is that most of us go back and forth on a continuum of selfishness and selflessness (we’re human, after all!).

Problems usually arise when one person stays at the selfish end of the continuum for extended periods of time.

In an informal survey I conducted with the couples I work with, almost half felt that their partners were frequently selfish lovers. This came as a total shock to those being described as selfish. From these findings came the selfless lover exercise.

The rules of this exercise are simple: you and your partner will take turns being a selfish and selfless lover. In the role of the selfless lover, your goal is to meet your partner’s needs—to give him/her what s/he wants.

Your chief concern is to give your partner pleasure and make her/him feel taken care of sensually and sexually. So the person in the selfish role must communicate his/her needs, wants and desires to the selfless lover. And the selfless lover must ask questions if something doesn’t feel clear.

Then the next time you and your spouse/partner make love, the roles are reversed. Another variation of this exercise is to switch roles in the same evening (e.g., for a particular amount of time, you take one role and your partner takes the other, then you reverse roles at some designated point).

Passion, Sex and Intimacy Resource

For more information on how to keep passion alive in your marriage/relationship, check out my Passion, Sex and Intimacy workbook.

Here’s to a life-time of rewarding passion and intimacy!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

“He jumps out of bed like he’s late for an appointment. I’ve never seen him move so quickly. I end up feeling really alone. It’s confusing to be so close to him physically and emotionally one minute, and then to act like what just happened didn’t really happen…”

~Dominica, describing her husband’s behavior and her experience after sex

A great deal has been written in the marriage/relationship help literature about how to boost your sexual pleasure, increase passion and desire, and ways to satisfy your spouse/partner sexually. Clearly what happens before and during sex are important to a healthy and satisfying marriage/relationship.

But what about what happens right after sex?

Many couples fail to recognize that the power and experience of love-making isn’t isolated to the act of sex. The physical closeness, blending and merger of our bodies mirrors a powerful emotional interconnection and blending that occurs during sex. Sex is always physical and emotional—and the emotional stirrings triggered through sex continue after the orgasm (or after the sexual experience).

During and after sex, one’s emotional needs and vulnerabilities are heightened, giving couples an opportunity to nurture emotional intimacy. Unfortunately, like Dominica’s husband in the opening quote, many couples fail to recognize and nurture this post-sex opportunity. They quickly jump back onto the run-away train of life, failing to acknowledge and savor the enhanced emotional connectedness that comes with physical intimacy.

Your Emotional World During and After Sex

For many, an emotional bubble is created during and after making love—and life inside this bubble is different from ordinary, day-to-day life in many ways. Under ideal conditions (and to differing degrees), a deeper experience of connection, oneness, pleasure, sensuality, exploration, vitality and playfulness permeate this space. The perception of time may even cease when you’re in this erotic-intimacy bubble. This gives love-making a transcendent and transformative quality.

Exiting this space can be jarring if a transition is ignored or minimized. Care should be taken to foster a transitional space that bridges the experience of love-making and the reality of daily living—a transition that honors the expression of love, connection and vulnerabilities that occurred inside the bubble. This transition doesn’t have to be a time-consuming process as long as it is nurtured properly.

Relationship Help: So what should couples do to address this issue?

The first step is to understand that both you and your spouse’s/partner’s emotional needs and vulnerabilities remain heightened not only during, but also after sex. Denying this reality means denying opportunities to feed each other emotionally.

Relationship Reality: After sex, the potential to nurture emotional intimacy is elevated.

Awareness of these opportunities isn’t enough, however. Actions speak louder than words: Behaving more lovingly and compassionately toward each other—giving each other a little more attention, reassuring one another, directly expressing your love through words, as well as sharing what was special about the sexual experience for you can go a long way in building and maintaining intimacy.

Finally, it may be important to monitor your typical post-sex reactions and behavior. Without self-judgment, examine how you feel and how you behave toward your spouse/partner after sex.

Be mindful of your experience of emotional closeness—are you open to and accepting of an increase in emotional intimacy, or do you feel uneasy and find yourself shutting an emotional door in order to avoid a deeper level of connection?

Do you acknowledge and hold in consciousness the pleasures and closeness that just occurred (thereby feeding the deeper emotional connection that has been created), or do you crack open the bubble and jump back into the responsibilities and frenetic pace of life outside the bubble?

Understanding your typical post-sex reactions can go a long way in helping you reverse any patterns that may not be working for you or your spouse/partner.

Marriage/Relationship Books-Resources

Passion, sex and intimacy are essential aspects of a healthy marriage/relationship. For a comprehensive guide to enhancing sex and passion in your marriage/relationship, check out my workbook, Passion, Sex & Intimacy: Keep the Fires of Passion Burning.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Today’s post is adapted from my workbook, Passion, Sex & Intimacy: Keep the Fires of Passion Burning. Many of the couples who seek marriage/relationship help and counseling fall into sexual ruts—their once passionate marriage has turned into a sexless marriage/relationship.

You might be surprised to find that many of the marriage/relationship problems around sex and passion arise from the mindsets that couples develop—an anti-passion attitude can extinguish even the healthiest of libidos.

Here’s an excerpt from my Passion, Sex & Intimacy workbook:

Nurture your sexual attitude.

Remember that having a sexy mind is one of the best aphrodisiacs available to you. Passion and sensuality start with a particular attitude and mindset. The most important part of this attitude involves giving yourself permission to be playful and provocative with your partner. Without permission, you will remain inhibited and lose the freedom necessary to have a fulfilling sex life. Learn to give yourself permission to have fun with your partner.

The sex research pioneers Masters and Johnson talk about the importance of taking the time to think about yourself as a sexual person. Your sexual self is an important part of who you are and shouldn’t be hidden from your partner or thought of as something shameful or embarrassing. Whether you choose to have sex often or not is less important than the acknowledgment that your sexuality can be an important part of the fabric of your relationship. Unfortunately, many people struggle with and are conflicted over their sexuality. This can lead to feelings of estrangement, denial and defensiveness about one’s sexual self.

Passionate Marriage Action Plan:

Negative attitudes about sex undermine the level of physical intimacy you and your partner will be able to create. You may be fully conscious of these attitudes, but often these anti-sex scripts exist just behind your consciousness. Teasing out your attitudes and feelings about sex can play an important role in increasing passion and meaningful lovemaking.

If you believe you hold any scripts that inhibit you, list them below:

1.

2.

3.

Where did you learn these attitudes/scripts? What purpose do they currently serve in your life and, more specifically, in your marriage or relationship?

Rewrite your inhibiting, anti-permission scripts listed above into pro-intimacy, pro-lovemaking scripts (e.g. “I’m too old to be playful” becomes “I’m full of life and I have the right to celebrate this with my spouse/partner”):

1.

2.

3.

Marriage/Relationship Books-Resources

To find out more about how to keep the fires of passion burning, check out Passion, Sex and Intimacy.

Workbook Special:

Now you can own my top selling workbooks at a 25% discount! I’ve brought together 3 essential relationship workbooks into one special offer: The Marriage Enrichment workbook package.

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Sexual desire requires certain conditions in order to thrive. Think of your sexuality (and the desire to be sexual) as a potential rather than a constant or given. Barring any untreated medical issues, we all have the potential to be sexual—to become aroused, feel desirous and want to have sex. When this occurs, your “sexual-self” is awakened. 

Know which conditions keep your sexual-self alive

The question each of us must reflect on is: What conditions are optimal for our sexual-self to exist—what helps bring out this potential experience rather than hamper it?

The Self-Kaleidoscope: Are You Nurturing All of You?

Your sexual-self is just one dimension of a kaleidoscope of self-experiences; we all exhibit different traits that are part of a larger fabric of our complex natures. And under certain conditions, these potential selves or self-experiences are more likely to seek recognition and full expression.

For instance, isn’t it likely that the same person can exhibit the following traits in different contexts: the assertive business person, confident civic leader, loving and gentle parent, friendly neighbor, fierce soldier, compassionate caregiver, shy party-goer, loyal friend, supportive partner, seductive and playful spouse, protective sibling…

The fact is, the ongoing conditions of our life have a profound impact on how we feel, act and respond to others, and on which parts of us become most active and which parts become dormant and hidden.

Are the conditions of your marriage/relationship friendly to your sexual-self?

Marriage and Sex: Time to Awaken Your Sexual-self

Under certain conditions, certain self-potentials may become highly active to the point where they override other self-potentials. A common example: parenting young children. Many couples report that after having a child, parental care-giving traits become highly active while one’s sexual-self becomes dormant.

Relationship reality: While it might be common for certain conditions to reduce your sexual desire, relationships become strained (and marital/relationship problems can result) when one’s sexual-self remains inactive long after the circumstances that initially interfered have passed.

To reconnect (and stay connected) to your sexual-self, it’s important to become attuned to the unique contexts that allow your sexual potential to be realized. Couples often miss this important step and try to engage sexually without creating helpful conditions. For instance, lying around in frayed sweatpants with a toothpick in your mouth while asking your spouse, “Babe, you in the mood to do it?” more often than not fails miserably because this approach ignores the power that context has over one’s sexual-self.

The reality is that some people are more sensitive to context than others, and you might be married to someone who can jump-start his/her libido in a nanosecond and under any conditions. But there are many couples who are highly responsive to the influence of context, and when this is the case, attending to context is vital for connecting with your sexual-self.

Establishing the conditions that will nurture desire doesn’t have to be hard work– sometimes small tweaks are all that’s needed to get one’s sexual-self ready.

Awakening Your Sexual-Self: What Conditions Does Your Sexual-Self Require?

The challenge for us all is to become aware of the conditions we need to feel sensual. These conditions may already exist for you and your partner, or maybe they existed in the past and need to be reinstated, or maybe you both need to work to create new contexts that are sexually inviting. It can be fun creating new conditions that awaken sexual desire—flirtatious playfulness is one context your sexual-self might be drawn to.

Since there are no universal conditions that will nurture everyone’s sexual-self, it’s important to give this question ample time and thought:

What conditions do you need in order to connect with and nurture your sexual-self? Can the circumstances and conditions that surround your sexual fantasies help you answer this question?

Reflecting on this question (and others you might think of) is important in helping you widen the scope of what is needed for a fulfilling sex life with your spouse/partner. Remember, the goal is to awaken and nurture your sexual-self by first creating conditions that will allow your sexual-self to become a priority.

This is best thought of as an active process, a journey that will evolve and change, rather than a one- time, isolated event (one “date night” isn’t going to do the trick in helping your sexual-self re-emerge, though it’s a start).

One final note about the power that context has over sexual desire

In addition to having self-experiences which may conflict at times (for instance, the parental/caregiver role suppressing the sexual/sensual spouse role), there are certain conditions to be mindful of that have become so commonplace that couples tend to ignore or minimize the profound impact they have on sexual desire and intimacy.

Hurried lives, juggling too many responsibilities, poor self-care, refusing to slow down and check in with each other, and falling prey to the new and ever-changing cultural norms that glorify multitasking and an almost non-stop form of superficial communication (marketed as “staying connected”) is replacing the slower-paced, one-on-one connection that requires a deeper level of emotional presence. Many couples find these new conditions hostile to sexual desire.

Clearly these lifestyle changes (and the pressures they place upon your relationship) set up serious hurdles to the conditions needed for meaningful emotional and physical intimacy—establishing healthy-protective boundaries around your relationship is now more important than ever in nurturing sexual desire.

Relationship Books-Resources for a Passionate Marriage

I’ve created an comprehensive workbook to help couples keep passion alive in their relationship. Click sexual desire to find out more about my Passion, Sex and Intimacy Workbook.

Workbook special: I’ve brought together 3 of my most popular relationship books into one special discounted resource. Save 25% off the cost of these relationship books when purchased in the Marriage Enrichment Package.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

The gifts of sex in marriage

Sex and passion are powerful expressions of the love and desire couples feel for one another. Sex is rarely just a physical experience—there are often layers of deep emotional meaning that are stirred through the act of having sex. Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are entwined, each creating a tapestry of meaning that (ideally) feed each other.

So when emotional intimacy is working well, sex is more rewarding—and when couples are connecting sexually, emotional intimacy is heightened.

Through sex, opportunities exist for couples to connect and reconnect in powerful ways. But this orderly interplay of the emotional and physical is an ideal, and the reality is that for many people, sex doesn’t always travel down a smooth path toward marital bliss.

The challenges of sex in marriage

The psychological and emotional meaning that physical intimacy has for couples can imbue sex with the power to transform their marriage/relationship in remarkable ways. And the inverse is true: sex can become an emotional mine-field that heightens insecurities and drives a wedge between you and your spouse/partner.

Understanding the complexities and challenges that are inherent to physical intimacy can lead to a more fulfilling sex life (and a closer relationship).

Let’s explore three issues that can enhance or impair sexual fulfillment:

1. Sex heightens your sense of interconnectedness and interdependence on your spouse/partner.

The physical and emotional blending that is part of sex makes lovers extremely vulnerable—a shared vulnerability that can lead to greater intimacy when both are comfortable allowing themselves to become dependent (at least temporarily) on one another.

A rigid sense of self-reliance and denial of other-focused needs (“I don’t need my spouse/partner for anything“) breaks the emotional heart-connection between lovers, and as a result, intimacy is compromised.  Under these circumstances (when interdependency is fought against by one or both partners), the mind and body are at odds—the mind acts like reins used to control and steer the sense of shared abandon that fulfilling sex demands.  Sex can end up feeling contrived and almost scripted when this occurs.

2.  Sex amplifies any conflicts you have about your body.

Physical intimacy is, well, physical—during sex your body is the central conduit of pleasure. But what if you dislike or even disdain your body (or certain parts of your body)? Your relationship with your own body can dramatically impact how physical intimacy gets experienced by you and played out in your marriage/relationship.

Two types of body-relationships can negatively impact your sexual experiences:

a. The dissociated/disconnected relationship:  Here your own body and the sensations that emerge from it feel foreign to you—for whatever reason, a barrier between you and your body has developed that creates a distance from your own bodily experiences during sex.

b. The contemptuous relationship: This relationship with one’s body creates a level of painful self-consciousness that robs you of the ability to be present and experience pleasure. Here you feel hatred or disdain for your own body. Under these conditions, sex becomes something to endure rather than cherish.

3.  Sex intensifies control/power issues in your relationship.

All relationships, including marriages and romantic relationships, involve power dynamics and struggles—compromise, giving in even when you feel justified to keep pushing an issue, and biting your tongue when you’d rather speak your mind are just some examples of how couples juggle power/control issues.

Couples who have rewarding sex lives are able to push (and even tear down, albeit temporarily) the power-control rules that typically guide their interactions.  For instance, a level of equanimity that works well outside the bedroom may give way to a dominance-submission dynamic that intensifies sexual arousal for both partners inside the bedroom.

But even at a more subtle level, sexual experience involves taking and letting go of control:  Giving your partner sexual pleasure places you in a position of power (since you can make the decision to take this pleasure away at any time) and, inversely, receiving and enjoying sexual pleasure requires you to relinquish control and give yourself (and body) over to your partner. Awareness of and comfort with taking and relinquishing control can ultimately lead to a more rewarding sex life.

As you read (and reread) the three above points, think about how you can use this information to fit the uniqueness of your marriage/relationship.

Marriage/Relationship Books–Resources

If you’ve enjoyed this article and would like to receive my free relationship advice newsletter, don’t forget to sign up for my monthly Relationship Help tips.

For a comprehensive guide on how to make rewarding sex and passion a regular part of your marriage/relationship, check out my workbook: Passion, Sex & Intimacy.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro