Archive for the ‘Premarital Counseling’ Category

(The following article is one in a series of articles on marriage preparation and premarital counseling questions).

Preparing for marriage is serious business—and I’m not just talking about the logistics of the wedding and honeymoon. Couples today know the hard facts about marriage: many have divorced parents or at least know another couple who couldn’t make their marriage work, despite starting out in love. In light of these harsh marital realities, many couples are wisely taking the steps to prepare for marriage—educating themselves about what goes into creating a healthy and successful marriage.

Premarital questions are designed for the purpose of raising your (and your partner’s) awareness about yourself and your partner—the goal is to raise consciousness, to make your rational mind a central part of the falling-in-love process (which is usually dominated by one’s heart and feelings).

Part of the marriage preparation process should involve self-reflection: Developing a better understanding of your own desires and needs, as well as your emotional vulnerabilities that will get triggered along the marital journey.

5 Premarital Counseling Questions

(Please give each question enough time and thought. You may need to come back to these questions in order to deepen the exploration needed to answer them in a meaningful way).

1) What are my top five emotional needs I’d like fulfilled in my marriage? (For a more in-depth exploration of your needs, see my blog post on relationship needs.)

2) How do I expect my partner to meet these needs? (Give specific, concrete examples. And for an extra challenge, write a movie scene depicting each of these needs getting met; include behaviors, emotions, dialogue.)

3) What needs do I expect not to be met in my marriage/relationship? (While listing these needs, describe why you feel they cannot or should not be met by your spouse/partner.)

4) What emotional wounds occurred in my childhood that may impact how I relate and react to my partner? (Our core childhood wounds are often reawakened within our marriage/relationship—understanding what this will look like for you and taking ownership of these experiences can go a long way in building a healthy marriage.)

5) Describe some of your emotional sensitivities that you think your partner should know about. What do you imagine would happen if your partner fails to acknowledge or respect these emotional sensitivities?

The above five premarital questions are often asked by marriage/couples counselors with the goal of  helping couples understand the complexities of intimate relationships—understanding your own needs and vulnerabilities will go a long way in creating a more conscious, rewarding marriage.

Ideally you and your partner can answer these questions separately and then share your answers and discuss them in a supportive, loving way. This will help deepen the mutual understanding that is needed in your relationship.

Here are a few other premarital counseling articles that might be of interest to you:

Marriage Help: 3 Mistakes Newlyweds Make

Premarital Counseling Questions: 5 Qeustions to Ask Before You Marry

Premarital Questions: 5 Questions to Help You Prepare for Marriage 

Premarital Resources

I’ve created a series of marital/relationship workbooks that teach couples the essential, core skills needed to keep a marriage healthy over the long-haul. For more information about each workbook, click Relationship Workbooks.

Wishing your marriage total success!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Q: I’m getting remarried, and although I’m happy about it, I’m also concerned—I recently read that the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than for first marriages. Why would this be the case, and should I be concerned?  ~Evelyn, Albuquerque NM

A: Thanks for your question, Evelyn and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

It is true that statistics show that the divorce rate is higher for second marriages. And while statistics report patterns and tendencies that can be helpful, they don’t necessarily answer the “why” question. Unfortunately there is no one-size explanation to account for the higher second marriage divorce rates, but let’s look at one particular factor that can make couples who are remarrying vulnerable to a bumpier marital road.

The biggest gamble for couples remarrying lies in simply assuming that their marriage will magically rise above the 60% of second marriages that don’t survive (riding those assumptions into complacency and putting the relationship on autopilot…in other words, not applying consistent effort when it comes to the relationship). The hard reality is that love wasn’t enough to hold your first marriage together, and love alone won’t be enough to hold your second marriage together.

Does this mean that couples who are remarrying should live in constant worry, obsessing about all the potential second marriage pitfalls they might encounter? Of course not.

The goal is to approach your second marriage from a foundation of knowledge and understanding rather than fear and anxiety.

A common remarriage scenario:

In my work with couples that have remarried, I’ve observed the following relationship pattern as illustrated by this example:

Rhea jumped into her second marriage with renewed life and vigor. Her new husband, Stan, was nothing like the man who caused her so much heartache in her first marriage. And as her second marriage unfolded, the pain and trauma from her divorce became a distant memory.

For the first two years of her second marriage, Rhea couldn’t have been happier. Then something slowly started to shift for her. As the newness and excitement faded into the familiarity of a committed marriage (with its inevitable routines, rhythms and stresses), the comfort that she relished was replaced with an unease that slowly grew.

By the third year, Rhea started feeling cynical about the viability of her marriage, wondering, “Did I make another mistake?”

Let’s look at why this can happen:

As the intimacy of Rhea’s second marriage deepened, old wounds from her previous marriage were reawakened—wounds she thought were long past. This dynamic often occurs for those who enter into post-divorce relationships too soon. When this occurs, a second marriage can act as smokescreen, temporarily quelling the pain caused by the failed first marriage.

As the intimacy in Rhea’s second marriage deepened, so did her emotional vulnerability—a vulnerability that occurs whenever we open ourselves up to the unique gifts that deeper intimacy offers.  The irony is that as trust and intimacy deepen, so does the danger—you also open yourself up to greater pain if the relationship goes awry. It may seem counterintuitive, but it was when Rhea began to feel emotionally closer to her second husband that the restless ghosts from her first marriage reappeared, haunting and hollering, reminding her of those old emotional wounds and the potential dangers that accompany deeper vulnerability and intimacy.

The Wounds of Your First Marriage

The goal is to recognize your increasing emotional vulnerability, since relating from unrecognized insecurities (in this case, insecurities that may have occurred because of a failed first marriage) can lead to misinterpretations of your spouse’s intentions and behaviors.

Second marriage truism: Your perceptions of your second spouse can (at times) be influenced by the emotional wounding that occurred in your previous marriage.

For instance, Rhea’s ex-husband became more and more emotionally distant throughout their four-year marriage. He began drinking heavily, giving excuses about why he wouldn’t spend time with her, and spent several hours each evening zoning out in front of the television. Rhea shared, “I just felt so lonely and unwanted. I was abandoned by the man I gave my heart to, and it rocked my world…”

Not surprisingly, these past wounds figured prominently in Rhea’s reaction when her second husband told her that he was thinking of joining a men’s softball league. As she explained, she felt emotionally divided: part of her realized this was a reasonable request and a hobby that Stan really enjoyed, yet she couldn’t help feeling anxious that this was the first step in him creating a life without her—she was anticipating another round of abandonment.

At first, Rhea didn’t realize why she was feeling uneasy, and her reactions toward Stan became increasingly terse and unpredictable. It was only after several sessions of couples counseling that Rhea was able make the connection between the events that unfolded in her first marriage and her confusing reactions to Stan. In the final couples counseling session, Stan turned to his wife and said, “Please let me know when you feel insecure. I am here to help you, and I can’t if I don’t realize what’s going on for you.” Rhea began to cry and hugged her husband.

Remember, it’s usually after you emotionally settle into your second marriage and become more emotionally vulnerable that the wounds your previous marriage caused may reawaken. Like with Rhea, this may take the form of increased insecurities, anxiety, and confusing-defensive reactions toward your current spouse.

Understanding these reactions, rather than pulling away and automatically assuming you ended up with Mr./Ms. Wrong (for the second time), can go a long way in strengthening your second marriage.

Marriage/Relationship Help Resources

I) Check out my MarriageEnrichment package to receive a 25% discount off my most popular relationship workbooks.

II) And don’t forget to sign up for my monthly Relationship Help newsletter to receive 2 free bonus reports on how  to create a stronger relationship.

Wishing you and your second marriage all the best!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

This is a very special and exciting time for your relationship. And the fact that you’re reading this article shows that you’re a planner and eager to protect and care for the future of your marriage. Too often, couples only seek marriage/relationship help when serious problems have arisen—sometimes waiting until one person is totally checked out of the relationship.

Preparing for the inevitable ups and downs of marriage is a great starting point for the future of your marriage (you can also check out my premarital questions article on ways to strengthen your relationship).

Marriage Help: 3 Common Mistakes Newlyweds Make

1. Basking in Specialness (while ignoring certain realities)

The power of new love is truly remarkable—it makes you feel like your relationship is like no other relationship on the face of the earth. And while you and your spouse’s uniqueness undoubtedly creates a very special relationship, it’s important that this sense of specialness doesn’t blind you to the challenges that are inherent to navigating a long-term, committed relationship.

When you elevate your relationship above the rest of us mere mortals, you inadvertently place the marriage at risk to the very real stresses and relationship issues that topple many marriages (marriages that were at one time healthy and thriving). Recognize your (and your spouse’s) humanness, even when  the two of you together create something that feels heavenly.

Newlywed Challenge: While dancing in the bliss of your relationship, keep one foot firmly placed in the realities that challenge all couples who embark on the wondrous journey of marriage.

2. Good Fences Make Good Neighbors (creating healthy boundaries)

Becoming a new couple means establishing healthy boundaries around your relationship—while it’s also important to maintain your individuality, married couples think differently than their single counterparts because they consider each other (and the relationship) rather than simply making decisions on a whim. This “what’s-best-for-us” thinking creates a psychological boundary around the relationship.

This boundary protects the relationship in different ways: It reinforces the “special” status you hold for each other;  it allows you to nurture and care for the marriage; and it also helps to contain the relationship-energy, that vitality that can easily be siphoned away by the stresses of outside world.  Creating too rigid a boundary can isolate you from the surrounding world; creating too permeable a boundary (or having no boundary at all) can lead to relationship neglect.

Newlywed challenge: To find a balance between protecting and feeding the marriage while also sharing your relationship with friends and family.  

3. A Little Planning Goes a Long Way

Have you and your partner created a relationship vision?

You and your spouse want to spend the rest of your lives together because you love each other deeply—a fair assumption on my part?  And as any couples counselor will tell you, love isn’t enough to sustain a healthy, fulfilling marriage. A common mistake too many newlyweds make is that they fail to plan for the future.

Think of a relationship plan as a vision that will offer guidance in the important areas of your life (you can create sub-plans: a one-, five- and ten-year plan).  This plan should involve practical issues, such as financial goals (saving, spending, joint decisions about spending), education and careers, children, where you’d like to live, the role of religion/spirituality, how to deal with extended family, to name a few. Having discussions about these and other important issues with your spouse will also help clarify areas of agreement between you and areas where your expectations and visions diverge (better to find this out sooner rather than later).

Newlywed Challenge: Worrying about the future and planning for it are very different. The goal is to create a flexible plan for your future while living in and enjoying the present gifts that you and your partner give each other.

Remember, strengthening a marriage takes time and effort, but the payoff is well worth it!

I often encourage new couples to read marriage/relationship books to help educate themselves about the communication skills and information needed to build and maintain a strong and lasting union. You can also try premarital counseling or sign up for premarital classes/workshops—options that can strengthen the foundation of your relationship. 

Doesn’t it make sense to plan for and invest in your most cherished asset?

Marriage/Relationship Help Resources

If you’re recently engaged/married and want to prepare for the future, check out my Marriage Enrichment special offer (this special offer includes my 3 most popular workbooks).

And don’t forget to sign up for my free Relationship Help newsletter. You’ll receive two bonus reports when you subscribe.

Wishing you a healthy and lasting relationship,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

“Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another’s personhood.” ~Karen Casey

In a previous article, Premarital Counseling: Questions to Ask Before You Get Married, we examined five essential questions to help couples prepare for the gifts and challenges that come with married life.

Today we are going to delve a little deeper into one of the questions discussed in the Premarital Counseling Questions article:

How do you envision married life?

Your answer to this question is partly based on your hopes and dreams, and largely based on the  relationship expectations you learned throughout your life.  

Identifying and understanding how your relationship expectations impact you (and your spouse/partner) is an important step in preparing for marriage. Relationships are more fulfilling when our expectations are met, and frustrations mount when our expectations are not realized.

Why Are Expectations So Prevalent?

Expectations are beliefs which help you anticipate what will happen in your life. They give a sense of control (or the illusion of control) and predictability to our lives, at times helping us prepare for what is likely to unfold. For instance, expecting that your husband will react defensively about a particular issue can help you approach the subject in a sensitive way.

Where Do Your Relationship Expectations Come From?

We all have expectations about what love and married life will be like—your expectations about how life is and how life ought to be will have a powerful impact on your marital experience.

Your relationship expectations are shaped by the influential relationships you experienced and observed throughout your life (e.g., how your parents interacted with each other; how they dealt with you; the messages you received about love and married life, as well as your early dating experiences all go into forming your relationship expectations).

And it’s not just past experiences that impact your expectations: The information you choose to focus on and surround yourself with also influences your expectations/opinions about marriage and relationships (for instance, surrounding yourself with friends who hold pro-marriage attitudes compared to friends who are cynical and bad-mouth committed relationships). 

Is It Bad to Have Relationship Expectations?

Expectations are not inherently good or bad. Marriage/relationship problems can arise, however, when your expectations are unrealistic, rigid, or set you up for failure. Couples find themselves in a bind when their expectations are not consistent with one another’s. This is especially troublesome when you didn’t realize that your partner holds an expectation significantly different from an expectation that you value highly.

For instance, you expected that you and your partner would attend religious services each week and that the two of you would share a spiritual connection that would deepen intimacy.

However, down the road, you realized that your partner held radically different expectations and that s/he has a take-it-or-leave-it attitude toward spirituality. The key here is not to try to change your partner’s mindset (since you really can only ever guarantee a change within yourself), but knowing these expectations beforehand will prevent major conflicts and disappointments that result when different expectations are sprung on you. Couples also get into trouble when they hold the expectation that their expectations are set in stone and will never change or grow or evolve. Since people change and grow and evolve, so will expectations.

Let’s get back to our question, How do you envision married life?

To help you tease out your response to this important question, I’d like you to reflect on 5 more premarital counseling questions:

1. Think about and describe a particularly difficult or unhealthy relationship you were exposed to as a child. What specific relationship expectations could you imagine that someone would learn from this relationship?

2. Based upon your response to the previous question, what negative expectations might you hold and what negative relationship pattern(s) might you be vulnerable to repeating in your own marriage/relationship—especially when you’re under stress?

3. Out of all the marriages/relationships you’ve observed throughout your life, which relationship stands out as the best and why?

4. What specific relationship expectations did you learn from these positive relationships (about communication, conflict, intimacy, sharing, etc)?

5. Which specific aspects of this positive relationship would you like to emulate in your own marriage? And what steps can you take to do this each day?

Take your time in answering these questions (and share them with your spouse/partner). As any marriage/couples counselor will tell you, the clearer you and your partner are about each other’s expectations, the more likely healthy communication and harmony will be part of your union.

Marriage/Relationship Books-Resources

Planning to marry or in a new relationship?

I’ve brough together 3 essential relationship resources into one special offer–the Marriage Enrichment workbook package. This package gives you a wide range of premarital and relationship tools to help create and maintain a strong relationship foundation. And the best news of all?

You save 25% off the individual costs of the workbooks when purchased as the Marriage Enrichment package.

Wishing you and your relationship all the best!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

The exercise below is from my workbook, Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your Future.

This exercise is design to increase your awareness of your relationship scripts (rules for how to be in a relationship) that you learned in your childhood.

We all learn how to be in a marriage/relationship from the central figures in our life—what we learn gets internalized as rules that shape how we relate to others throughout our life.  For instance, one rule that would hold you back in your marriage might be something like: “It’s not OK to be emotionally vulnerable with others.”

To create a healthy marriage/relationship, it’s important to be fully conscious of your relationship scripts.

Like a movie script that guides an actor, your relationship scripts guide how you relate to your spouse/partner. Your relationship scripts may exist both at a conscious and unconscious level.

Relationship Help: Increasing Your Awareness of Your Relationship Scripts Read the rest of this entry »