Archive for the ‘Premarital Counseling’ Category

I recently overheard a conversation between two women that went something like:

Should your spouse make you happy?

Woman 1:  Vince and I broke up.
Woman 2:  I am so sorry. Are you OK? You were so in love with him– what went wrong?
Woman 1:  I’m not sure what happened. Well, he stopped making me happy. Things became so serious after a while and we stopped having fun. Why would I stay in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy?
Woman 2: I hear that!

Marriage Help: The Role of Relationship Expectations

We all bring a wide range of expectations into our relationships—conscious and unconscious beliefs about the way things should be. And these beliefs have a profound impact on how we experience life; how we perceive, feel and react to events.

Think of expectations as a kind of mental filter that helps you make sense of the world; our expectations give us comfort by helping us predict and anticipate (to a certain degree) what will happen. For instance, you might expect your spouse/partner:

To treat you with respect; to be loving and supportive; to try to be responsive to your needs; to be a   loving and caring parent; to help around the house; to contribute financially…

Frequently, our expectations work in the background, and as long as circumstances remain consistent with your expectations, life proceeds relatively smoothly. It’s only when our most valued expectations are contradicted that we have strong reactions.

Relationship Expectations and The Happiness Trap

Having expectations about how you’d like to be treated by your spouse/partner is very different from having expectations that someone should make you feel a certain way. Expecting to have an ongoing emotional experience (like happiness) as a result of marriage is problematic for several reasons.

~Happiness (like all feelings) is an emotional experience that is temporary—it has a clear beginning and end point (no one can exist in a continuous happy or blissful state);

~Happiness is influenced by both external (a job promotion) and internal (hormonal changes/mindset) factors. Some people have a mindset and emotional set-point that makes it more likely for them to reach a certain level of happiness, and others may struggle and need to work hard to reach that same level.  That’s just the way it is;

~Your spouse/partner isn’t responsible for (and cannot undo) your unhappiness connected to: job dissatisfaction, a lack of social support, estranged relationships with family or friends, unresolved emotional issues from your past, feeling stuck creatively or spiritually;

~Issues of self-esteem and difficulties with self-acceptance (for instance, you might suffer from a history of depression, feelings of low self-worth and/or poor body image) can thwart happiness even when your marriage/relationship is running smoothly.

So when you assess your overall level of happiness or life satisfaction, it is important to look at the big picture of how your life is proceeding. Couples get into trouble when they place the burden of responsibility for their happiness solely on the marriage/relationship without considering the impact that factors outside their relationship have on them.

Of course the quality of your marriage/relationship will have a significant impact on you. Troubled marriages are associated with higher rates of depression and poorer physical health. But this isn’t the same as expecting that your happiness is contingent solely upon marrying Mr. or Mrs. Right. Instead, try for balance and realism in your expectations:

“At times my spouse’s/partner’s actions will make me feel happy, but my overall happiness is my responsibility.”

“While I do expect to be treated with dignity and respect by my spouse/partner, my feelings are affected by many different factors—some that I can change, others that remain beyond my control.”

Relationship Books-Resources

Are you ready to bring your relationship to the next level?

I)  Check out my Marriage Enrichment package to receive a 25% discount off my most popular relationship books (The Relationship checkup, The ABCs of Effective Communication and Take Control of Your Relationship: Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your Future).

II)  And to sign up for my monthly Relationship Advice Newsletter, click Relationship Help and you’ll also receive 2 free bonus reports on how to create a stronger relationship.

Wishing you and your relationship all the best!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

The sad fact is that many of the couples who finally seek marriage and couples counseling when trouble arises have done little to prepare themselves for the challenges and ins-and-outs of marriage or a committed relationship.  And this is probably true for couples who never go into counseling as well.

Why do most couples put more time, energy and attention into their wedding day than into acquiring the tools and information needed to protect the future of their union?

The Magic of Fresh Love Blinds Us to Certain Realities

When couples fall in love, they often get swept away in a whirlwind of intense feelings, deep connection and unbridled passion. Our experience of falling in love feels so unique and special (and different from every other couple on the face of the earth) that we place ourselves above the painful realities that befall other mere mortals.  I’ve even heard some newlyweds arrogantly dismiss divorced couples as “never really being in love in the first place.”

But the truth is that most divorced couples probably at one point felt that their relationship was extraordinary and immune to the relationship toxins that obliterate so many other relationships.

So maybe we’re all vulnerable to marital and relationship problems and should take the additional steps (preferably early on in the marriage/relationship) to build a solid relationship foundation (a foundation not only built on intense feelings).

So what can you do?

Research has demonstrated that premarital counseling increases the likelihood of marital success (in other words, a little preventive medicine goes a long way when it comes to your relationship).

So if you’re planning to marry, recently married or starting a committed relationship, I highly recommend the Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples, by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT.

This comprehensive premarital resource covers such vital issues as:

• Developing effective communication skills
• How to deepen emotional safety (essential for intimacy)
• Acquiring relationship balance
• Overcoming problematic family-of-origin issues
• How to assess your marriage/relationship expectations
• Creating a personal and marriage vision

The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples gives you the structure and clarity to explore these vital relationship issues with your partner. And the best part is, you can do this from the comfort and privacy of your own home and at your own pace.

Doesn’t your relationship deserve it?

To find out more, Visit Lisa’s website for more information

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

In my previous article, “Premarital Counseling: Questions to Ask Before You Marry,” I briefly examined five different questions couples should reflect on before or soon after marrying. These questions centered around your motivation to marry, the importance of exploring your core values and how they might differ from your future spouse’s, the need to prepare for personality differences that will intensify as the relationship matures, and how you envision married life.

Let’s now turn our attention to five relationship areas that can become trouble spots for couples. Time and time again I’ve seen couples get into conflicts over these very issues in my marriage/couples counseling practice.

The premarital questions below focus on your (and your partner’s) relationship expectations.

But before we proceed, here’s an important point I’d like you to hold onto: Early on in their marriage, most of the couples that I’ve worked with didn’t think problems would arise! Couples rarely prepared for or felt the need to examine their relationship expectations. It was only after their relationship progressed that unexamined and unmet expectations turned into relationship problems.

Preventative Relationship Medicine: 5 Questions to Help You Prepare for Marriage

1. What are your expectations about household chores/household maintenance tasks?

You’d be surprised by how many resentments can build when one of you feels there is an unfair distribution of household work. Couples get into trouble because they expect a certain amount of team work that never gets discussed. Whether or not you feel comfortable setting up specific cleaning/cooking schedules, it will be important to have a sense of equality when it comes to the day-to-day running of the household.

2. What are your expectations about careers, money, spending and saving?

Money is a sensitive issue for couples, and I’ve seen this become a major stumbling block no matter how much money a couple earns. Marital/relationship problems arise over the following issues:

You and your mate have different spending habits (for instance, one of you feels the need to save a certain percentage of the family income while the other doesn’t want to plan and save at the same level);

You disagree over what is purchased (“Do we really need a second big screen television when the car needs new tires?!”);

Conflicts arise over how the money gets distributed: You want separate bank accounts to maintain a sense of independence while your partner prefers to pool all the money into one account;

You (or your partner) expect to discuss purchases before they are made while your partner feels it is his/her right to make purchases without checking in with you;

Issues also arise when one of you feels the other is making her/his career a priority over the relationship and family and, as a result, the relationship is suffering.

As you can see, love and money are ripe opportunities for major disagreements. Compromise and mutual understanding are the goals when discussing these sensitive issues—but if you never address these issues and assume that you and your partner are on the same page, you’ll probably feel blind-sided at some point.

3. What are your expectations about how you’ll spend leisure time?

Part of maintaining a healthy marriage/relationship is having fun together, enjoying one another as you share and create new adventures together. Frequently, couples get bogged down by the stress of life and, as a result, time spent together becomes associated with dealing with stress.

Motivation is clearly needed to break out of the rut of your day-to-day to day routines. What’s also needed is a shared understanding of how leisure time will be spent together. You don’t need to be totally compatible in this area, but it will be important to find some common ground if you do have different expectations about what “relaxing” or “having fun” will look like.

4. What are your expectations regarding friends?

It’s quite common for couples to differ in their desire to spend time with friends (and the need to socialize in general). You may each have individual friends as well as other couples you enjoy socializing with together. Sometimes one partner has a stronger need to maintain friendships and spend time outside the marriage/relationship socializing. In this case the partner who’d prefer to spend more time together doing things as a couple might feel insecure and even jealous.

Having discussions early on about how much time you’d each like to have with separate friends as well as time spent with shared friends can help uncover any conflicting expectations you and your partner might hold.

5. What are your expectations around individual versus shared pursuits?

This issue has to do with relationship balance—nurturing your individual interests while also taking care of the relationship. When love is new, couples typically want to spend as much time together as possible and prefer to do things together. As your relationship matures, it’s natural for this intense togetherness to taper and for individual interests to emerge (e.g. creative, intellectual or career pursuits).

Supporting each other’s individual interests can only occur if you do not feel that your partner’s pursuits are somehow standing in the way of the marriage or causing him/her to neglect your needs.

So while you’re busy preparing to get married, it will be important to carve out some time for you and your spouse/partner to answer the above questions and share your responses with each other. Look for areas of agreement and overlap as well as any differences that you think might cause some problems in the future.

Marriage/Relationship Resources

There are two resources I’d like to share with you today:

I) Research has demonstrated that premarital counseling increases the likelihood of marital success (in other words, a little preventive medicine goes a long way when it comes to your relationship).

So if you’re planning to marry, recently married or starting a committed relationship, I highly recommend the Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples, by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT.

II) Effective couples communication is essential for maintaining the health of your marriage/relationship over the long-haul. I’ve created two couples communication resources I’d like to share with you:

The ABCs of Effective Communication Workbook

and

The Turbo-Charged Communication Package (workbook + audio program)

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

When it comes to building a healthy marriage/relationship, one of the best resources is to hear from couples who have been together for many years and, most importantly, would do it all over again with the same person.

Tips from happy couples

In the marriage/relationship enrichment workshops I run, there are often couples who meet this very criterion. Here are some of the important marriage/relationship advice tips these couples have shared:

Marriage/Relationship Help: 5 Tips from Happy Couples

1. It’s not just about communication.

Of course effective communication is important, but these couples realize that sometimes they’re not going to see eye to eye and at some point they just have to let go of an issue.

As one woman shared, “It’s just a fact of life that two opinionated people won’t always agree. You really have to develop a strong backbone and realize this. Otherwise you’re going to keep on talking about the same issue over and over again until you’re blue in the face. Honestly, that’s not communication, it’s futility.”

2. You need to get a life…

…more specifically, you need to develop an aspect of your life outside the marriage/relationship that doesn’t necessarily include your mate. This is about life-balance, and it allows for a richer life and ultimately a more fulfilling relationship.

Many of these couples have careers, particular interests, or hobbies that they enjoy and find meaningful on their own. This takes pressure off the relationship (and each other) to meet all of your needs (it’s unrealistic to expect that the relationship or your partner can meet all your needs…that’s an impossibility), and developing a meaningful interest of your own can lead to deeper levels of sharing since you’ll be broadening yourself in the process.

3. Create connecting routines.

Too many couples end up living parallel lives if they do not take the time and effort to nurture their marriage/relationship. But this effort doesn’t have to feel like unpleasant work! Successful couples engage in activities together that feed their connection.

Here are some examples that couples have shared (these are activities done together): walking or hiking, cooking, taking classes together, attending theater or musical events, going for drives, participating in a book group, having a movie or date night, playing sports (bowling, softball, pool…or learn a new sport together)…the list is endless.

4. Don’t sweat the small stuff but take the serious stuff seriously

This is easier said than done but it can make a big difference in your relationship. A problem arises when you feel something isn’t a big deal but your spouse/partner feels it’s really important.

Rule of thumb: If your mate believes something is a big deal, start by validating his/her experience rather than minimizing it (even if you don’t feel it’s important). This will allow your mate to feel loved, understood, and close to you. It’s always easier not to sweat the small stuff when you’re feeling connected to each other.

5. Successful couples fall in love with each other more than once.

These couples describe falling in love with each other more than once (and in different ways) over the course of their marriage/relationship. There are naturally occurring relationship lulls intermixed with periods of greater connection (emotional and physical intimacy) and intensity.

Feelings change, love intensifies and wanes–over the lifetime of a marriage couples fall in and out of love with each other again and again.

Think of your relationship as a journey–a journey that will involve highs and lows, success and disappointment, discovery and rediscovery.  Along this journey, successful couples hold onto the reasons they fell in love in the first place and they find new reasons to deepen their existing love.

Discovering new reasons to fall in love with the same person more than once is the challenge and gift of long-term relationships.

Marriage/Relationship Resource

1. Relationship Workbook Special

I’ve brought together my 3 most popular workbooks (The Relationship Checkup, The ABCs of Effective Communication and Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your Future) into 1 resource:

The Marriage Enrichment Package (click the link for more information)

And the best news of all is that you save 25% off the cost of each workbook when you purchase this special package offer.

2. Are you newly married or new to a committed relationship?

I’m excited to tell you about my colleague Lisa Brookes Kift’s Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples (this link will take you to Lisa’s website).

This is an excellent resource from a marriage and family therapist who really knows what makes relationships work.

All best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Whenever a couple seeks marriage/relationship help, I take an inventory of their relationships (the people they choose to spend time with—like friends—and the people they might be stuck with for periods of time—like coworkers).

Why the emphasis on outside relationships when a couple’s marriage is in trouble?

Relationship Interconnectedness

Can your friends impact your marriage?

You exist within a web of relationships—and these relationships can impact your marriage.

An example of interconnectedness:

Imagine a good friend is going through tough times and after spending some time together you find yourself feeling an emotional heaviness throughout the day, thinking and worrying about your friend. As your friend’s experience colors your mood, your spouse might start to notice that lately you’ve been preoccupied and down.

Since emotions are contagious, your feelings spill over and your partner might begin to experience some of your emotional heaviness or if s/he is uncertain about what is troubling you,  s/he might become anxious, worrying that your reaction is an indication that you’re unhappy and that something is wrong with the marriage.  If left unchecked, your reaction can now impact your interactions with others, since they’ll sense that you seem troubled and not fully present.

How is this relevant to your marriage or relationship?

Since your relationship exists within a larger social context, your friends, coworkers, family, and even the society in which you live can directly or indirectly impact your experience of your marriage.

Think of your relationship as one link on a never-ending interlocking chain of connectedness.

Marriage Help: We all need relationship support

Couples love to hear about other couples who have successful relationships. Have you ever noticed how people in relationships are happy to learn that a famous couple is in it for the long haul?  Many couples feel validated to discover that their favorite movie star or musician has resisted the temptations that come with fame and are committed to one person.  Notice your reaction the next time you hear that people you know and/or admire are splitting up.

Couples root for other couples—there is an unspoken, cosmic connection, a sense that we’re in this together. If Brad and Angelina can make their marriage work, and your neighbors and friends can make their relationships work, you end up feeling more hopeful that you can make your own work.

Relationship Help: Seek Out Relationship Support

Marital/relationship support comes in many forms and the first step is to look in your own backyard. Very often I counsel couples to make a list of all the individuals and couples they know and admire: family, friends, teachers, community leaders, local organizations or church members.

You might be surprised to learn that there are people in your life that have been married or together for a long time (and feel lucky to be with the same person, despite the challenges that come with long-term relationships). Can these couples be an emotional resource for you and your spouse/partner. Would you consider asking them about their relationship, especially what has worked for them? Are you willing to seek their support when you (or your partner) need advice or guidance?

We all need relationship mentors—couples who have successfully navigated the complicated interpersonal terrain that comes with committed relationships. This doesn’t mean you should overlook friends not currently in relationships as potential sources of support. Often single friends who understand and celebrate you and your relationship can be a safe place to go to when you need a different perspective or just need to vent.

You Might be Surrounded by Vast Relationship Wisdom

Many couples like spending time with other couples. If most of your friends seem to be in dire relationship straits or your friends’ values regarding commitment differ from your own, you need to expand your social network—seek out couples you and your spouse/partner can socialize with, couples dedicated to making their own relationships work.

The goal of expanding your couples-support-system doesn’t mean you have to abandon your current friends because they aren’t married or their relationship is in trouble—it means that you enrich your circle of friends to include those that believe in the benefit of a long-term, committed relationship and will help support you in yours.

It might seem like a paradox that you can be with someone you deeply love, yet still feel isolated. Often couples assume feeling isolated means there is something wrong with their relationship—while this can be an indication that there are problems that need to be addressed, it can also be an indication that your relationship is surrounded by negativity and a lack of support.

No matter how strong your marriage/relationship might seem, you and your partner do not exist in a vacuum—what surrounds you will impact you. When you establish the goal of building a support network for your relationship, you have taken an important step in buffering the damaging effects of relationship-isolation.

Marriage/Relationship Resources:

1. I’ve created a number of marriage/relationship workbooks that focus on the core skills couples need for a healthy relationship.

Check out my latest relationship workbooks.

2. Are you engaged or recently married? A little prevented medicine for your relationship can make a big difference down the road.

I’m excited to share Lisa Brookes Kift’s Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples with you.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro