Archive for the ‘Relationship Advice for Men’ Category

Welcome to another installment of the Relationship Help For Men article series.

What Women are Saying About How Guys Communicate…

“It’s so much easier communicating with my girlfriends than with my husband. With my friends it feels natural, like we’re intuitively in sync with what we need from each other…”  ~Norma, married ten years

“Sometimes I don’t share things with my partner because I know it will be too frustrating if I do. Over the years I’ve learned what to talk about with him and what not to talk about. Even though that’s sad, that’s just the way it is.” ~Felicia, in a relationship for eighteen years

Relationship Advice for Guys:

How to Improve Communication in a Marriage/Relationship

Both Norma and Felicia are deeply in love with their spouse/partner and both describe their marriage/relationship as strong overall—but faced with the reality of what they perceive as their partner’s communication blind-spots, both women have adjusted their expectations about their partners. The result is that they are more likely to reach out to their women friends when in need of support than their husband/partner.

The question at hand is how to communicate with your spouse/partner more effectively—and understanding what your wife/partner is getting from her friends is a clue for how you can become a better communicator.

Remember this communication tip: Effective communication = deeper intimacy and a more fulfilling, happy and harmonious marriage/relationship.

While not all men are poor communicators (and many excel at effectively communicating in their marriage and intimate relationships), the following patterns have been expressed by many of the women I work with in marriage/couples counseling:

3 Communication Gifts Women Receive from Other Women

1. Attentiveness

This may seem like a no-brainer, but I can’t tell you how often I hear complaints that women don’t feel like their guy is really interested in them. This has to do with a lack of attentiveness—focused attention (without playing around with the TV remote or your new iPhone) sends a powerful message.

Remember this communication tip: Attentiveness > (sends the message) “You Matter to Me!”

2. Empathic Listening

This is where many men miss the communication mark. When you are being empathic, you are showing that you understand what your wife/partner is sharing with you. What empathic listening DOES NOT mean is trying to fix what you perceive as your wife’s/partner’s problem. One way empathic listening is demonstrated is by commenting on the feelings your wife/partner is sharing/experiencing (e.g. “I can see why that would be so frustrating”). Another way to show empathy is to comment on your wife’s/partner’s point of view (e.g. “It’s so unfair how your boss is treating you”).

Remember this communication tip: Empathic Listening > (sends the message) “I Get You and I Hear What You’re Going Through.”

3. Engagement

Okay, so your wife/partner has your attention, now what? The women I work with describe their supportive friends as being attentive and engaged in what is being discussed (remaining totally silent and blankly staring at your wife/partner is the opposite of engagement). When you are engaged, you are asking relevant questions, you are supportively commenting about the feelings being expressed, you are asking if there is anything you can do that would be helpful.

Remember this communication tip: Engagement > (sends the message) “I’m Really Interested In You.”

There you have it, three communication skills that women are often able to give to one another (attentiveness, empathic listening and engagement). And here’s the good news: with increased awareness of these and with practice, you can offer these communication gifts to your spouse/partner on a regular basis.

Communication Workbooks/Resources

I’ve created two powerful “How to communicate with your spouse” resources.

1. Check out my couples communication workbook (over 120-pages dedicated to teaching you easy-to-use couples communication skills and strategies);

I often teach workshops and tele-seminars on effective communication skills for couples–and now you have a front seat with my communication audio program:

2. For more information on my couples communication workbook plus over 4-hours of my communication boot-camp audio, click Communication workbook and Audio Program.

Wishing you and your relationship all the best!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

(The following article is one of several in my Relationship Help for Men article series. At the end of this article there are links to a few of the other articles).

Some men live by rules they may not be aware of—rules that dictate what their emotional lives should look like, rules that constrict and hamper rather than expand and enliven—rules that ultimately disempower men from realizing potentials that go beyond the need/desire for power, control or achievement.

A portion of these rules are handed down from grandfathers, fathers, uncles and the other male role models in your life—males you’ve emulated and identified with (even if you didn’t realize this was occurring). One’s culture also plays a significant part in setting up the conditions deemed acceptable and off limits to one’s maleness.

Here are 7 rules that continue to negatively impact many men—let’s call these the “Thou shall not” rules of maleness.

Thou shall not:

1. Look or feel foolish, stupid, or idiotic (without covering up these feelings by acting in ways that usually make us look foolish, stupid, or idiotic);

2. Feel vulnerable (without an action plan to quickly obliterate any feelings of vulnerability ***see counter-vulnerability action plan below***);

3. Feel helpless (see counter-vulnerability action plan);

4. Hug another man without pounding the other guy’s back so hard that the display of affection looks like a mugging;

5. Cry, feel afraid, uncertain, timid, contrite or have any of these feelings/reactions in the presence of others (without getting irrationally angry at said other if s/he happens to be in our presence when we tear up, appear afraid, etc.);

6. Ask another guy for a hug, advice, or a tissue (unless the tissue is used to cover a gaping wound caused by a power tool);

7. Feel like a wimp, failure or loser (without immediate initiation of our best counter-wimp, bravado posturing—even if said posturing leads to an ass-kicking, loss of employment, failed marriage/relationship or time served).

***Counter-vulnerability action plan:  Any feigned sense of confidence when practiced over an extended period of time seems to do the trick in helping men ignore any feelings of vulnerability and helplessness. Please note that used for extended periods of time, the side effects of male feigned-confidence includes exaggerated, self-destructive behaviors, extended periods of brooding and hostility and a stressed/tensed appearance that is obvious to loved ones, coworkers and empathic strangers.

To read other (more serious) articles on the challenges men face with commitment, intimacy and love, click on the article links below—a new window will open for each article:

Relationship Advice: Why Some Men Withdraw from Intimacy

Men and Intimacy: 5 Damaging Myths About Men and Intimacy

Men and Intimacy: Why Some Men Struggle as Husbands and Lovers

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

In a previous article (Relationship Help for Men), I described how some men react angrily when their spouse/partner is emotionally upset—and how this anger is a defensive reaction to feeling helplessness in the face of a loved one’s distress. The sequence of events and reactions might look something like:

A wife is clearly upset and sad about how, for example, a coworker treated her ==>

In listening to her recount what happened, her husband wishes he could stop her pain (and he may make attempts to alleviate her distress by offering what he sees as potential solutions) ==>

Unable to resolve her distress, he starts to feel helpless and ineffectual as a husband/partner  ==>

His attempted “solutions” miss the mark and create distance between them==>

Unsettled by feeling powerless, his helplessness is transformed into anger and frustration. 

This sequence of emotional events is often rapid and many men report that they are unaware that they felt helpless prior to becoming annoyed in response to their spouse’s/partner’s distress. They are, however, at least partially aware that they are feeling anger and frustration (though they are not aware of the true source of the anger).  Some men may generically describe their anger as “stress” rather than labeling it as a specific emotion, but their reactions clearly involve anger/frustration.

Who Or What Is Making Me Feel this Way?!

People like to make sense of the events and experiences in their lives, including their emotional reactions. Once conscious of a particular feeling, we often try to understand the “why” of a feeling—that is, we try to explain to ourselves (and, possibly, others) why we are having a particular reaction or experience. In our search to explain our feelings, the tendency is to look outside ourselves for external causes (“You’re making me angry!”), rather than looking inward and examining our particular quirks and vulnerabilities (“I’m feeling angry because I hate feeling out of control and weak”).

Too often the conclusion is automatically reached that some event or person in our life is the culprit of our unwelcome feelings—once this conclusion is reached, we seldom see the need for self-examination or to take ownership of our reactions; after all, in that moment we see ourselves as the victims of others who negatively impact our lives.  

And in the case of men feeling frustration-anger as a way to cover up feelings of helplessness- vulnerability, some men conclude (ironically) that their anger is somehow caused by their wife/partner. To find justification for their anger, men must conclude that their wives are somehow being:

1) Unreasonable (“You shouldn’t be feeling that way”; “Your reaction doesn’t make sense to me, so it must be wrong”);

or

2) Over-reacting (“Enough already, it’s not that big of a deal”; “You always work yourself up so much”).

These possible explanations give men justification for their anger—it helps them make sense of their discomfort and frustration. It also, and most importantly, ends up invalidating and alienating their spouse/partner and it prevents men from connecting with and understanding the real source of their anger (their own feelings of helplessness while witnessing their partner’s pain).

In my marriage and couples counseling practice, I see this pattern playing out over and over again—and when left unchecked, an entrenched negative cycle of interactions that has devastating repercussions for one’s marriage/relationship festers. 

Relationship Help for Men: So What’s the Antidote?

I’ve had more than a few men roll their eyes when I suggest the following:

Men must learn to embrace (yes, embrace) their own helplessness and vulnerabilities if they want to be fully available and emotionally present for their spouses/partners. When men disconnect and flee from their own emotional experiences, they ultimately abandon the possibility of connecting emotionally with their loved ones.

Men fail to recognize an important distinction:  Feeling helpless is not the same as being helpless. 

The idea of helplessness implies that as a man, you should be doing something you’re not doing—that some sort of action is imperative.  For too many men, mobilization (actions designed to help alleviate another’s distress but that inadvertently contribute to poor listening and unempathetic responses) is the sine qua non for dealing with the feelings of loved ones. Too often these actions (the male solution) can exacerbate the very distress they are designed to alleviate.

Once men learn to sit with and tolerate their feelings of helplessness, they open themselves up emotionally and pave the way to truly seeing and hearing what their spouses/partners need, rather than automatically and reactively responding because of their own discomfort with feelings.

Marriage/Relationship Help Resources

Whether you’re recently engaged/married and want to prepare for the future, or you’ve been with your partner for many years and want to strengthen your marriage/relationship, check out my Marriage Enrichment special offer.

And don’t forget to sign up for my free Relationship Help newsletter. You’ll receive two bonus reports when you subscribe.

Wishing you a loving and rewarding relationship,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

From a very early age, men are raised to compete, to experience themselves and others as competitors (or potential competitors), and this competitive mindset has dramatic implications for how men relate to their spouses/partners.

The competitive mindset (in all its permutations) psychologically positions men outside of their relationship and above their spouse/partner, a relational stance that undermines emotional intimacy and interferes with emotional fulfillment. This competitive mindset is deeply ingrained in the collective psyches of many men (even men who don’t endorse competitiveness as a desirable trait).

Men, Intimacy and Marriage: How the Competitive Mindset Undermines Relationships

Competitors have two options: Winning or losing. You either celebrate as the victor or lower your head as the loser; you dominate or submit–there is no room for ambiguity, uncertainty or vulnerability. This severely limiting way of relating shows up over and over again in marriage and intimate relationships—for instance, it’s not uncommon for some men to feel inadequate and ashamed if their wives/partners make more money than them.

The result of this competitive way-of-being is to feel superior (above or “better-than”) or inferior (below or “less-than”).  If the competitor loses (fails to make his wife or partner happy, make enough money, “measure up” to her friends’ husbands, etc.), his tendency is to believe it’s either because he didn’t try hard enough or wasn’t good enough—the end result is a pronounced sense of failure.

The socialization of competitiveness creates an unconscious motivation for men to avoid the experiences of humiliation and self-abasement that are so closely associated with losing/failing—the paradox is that the competitive drive and the attempts to avoid humiliation often undermine the very relationship men are trying to sustain.

It may seem like the victor is in an enviable position; and considered solely from the mindset of competitiveness, being “better than” is indeed preferable. But this position comes at a cost: The victor cannot relax, he must be in constant motion in order to prove himself and his worth. His self-esteem depends on winning, on being superior, on having more of—the litmus test for success/winning is to continuously compare himself to others. 

The burden of competitiveness is ruthless and indefatigable. Victors rarely have peace of mind for very long. They see threats all around them, everyone is a potential foe and holds a place on a long list of competitors who might be stronger, smarter, funnier, richer, better-looking, and generally more successful as husbands and fathers… It’s easy to feel threatened and insecure when you relate from the mindset of a competitor. 

The Competitive Male-Husband/Partner: A Recipe for Marital/Relationship Failure

Ironically, men instilled with a competitive mindset have internalized a deep-seated fear that they aren’t good enough, that they are somehow inadequate and therefore must continuously prove themselves and their worth or be exposed as failures and left to drown in humiliation.

These men are hyper-aware that their attempts to please their spouses/partners are missing the mark, each spousal complaint a singeing message of failure. At some level, men know that they’re floundering when it comes to the evolving, 21st century standards of being a husband (where the new standards of emotional connection and openness conflict with the old standards of stoicism and competitiveness).

But what isn’t clear to many men is how their attempted solutions (solutions that often stem from a competitive way of relating) add fuel to the marital/relationship problems they are trying to extinguish.  

Why does a competitive mindset fall short when it comes to love, marriage and intimacy?

The competitive mindset (whether transient, unacknowledged or eagerly embraced) undermines the essential skills needed for mutuality and for fulfilling emotional and physical intimacy.

Men must now adapt by raising their mindfulness of all the ways in which their competitive way of relating robs them–as well as their partners–of the gifts that come with intimate relationships.

Some of the tools needed for this non-competitive adaptation to occur:  Empathy; compassion; deep listening; emotional sharing and connection; the ability to stay emotionally present (even in the face of difficult emotions) without moving into solution-focused forms of relating (“Why don’t you tell her…”; “Have you tried…?”). 

I know it’s easier said than done, but making an ongoing, conscious effort to monitor how even subtle competitiveness can undermine mutuality and intimacy is an essential step for all men who are ready to co-create a fulfilling marriage/relationship. 

Marriage/Relationship Help Resources

I) I’ve created a series of workbooks designed to teach couples the essential relationship skills needed for a fulfilling marriage/relationship:

Check out my MarriageEnrichment package to receive a 25% discount off my 3 most popular relationship workbooks.

II) And don’t forget to sign up for my monthly Relationship Help newsletter to receive 2 free bonus reports on how to create a stronger relationship.

Wishing you and relationship all the best!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Relationship Help Quick Tip

John feels totally helpless when his wife Noreen is upset or cries. But rather than fully experience these  feelings (and be emotionally present for his wife), John enters into an emotional shell game by replacing his feelings of helplessness with annoyance and anger at Noreen. John’s experience becomes so narrowed that he’s only aware of feeling annoyed and frustrated with Noreen in those moments. If you suggested to him that beneath his anger he was feeling helpless, he’d probably look at you like you were crazy.

If John were fully conscious of the breadth of his experience in those moments, he might articulate something like:

“I feel like I’m sinking without a life-jacket when Noreen is distressed about something. I have so much trouble staying with and tolerating this sinking feeling; it becomes unbearable. So I quickly remove myself from this emotional stranglehold by chiding her for her reaction. Seeing her as immature or overreacting in those moments gives me emotional distance from her. This distance allows me to feel emotionally safe, to feel centered and be able to breathe rather than drown in helplessness. But I can tell my wife feels totally alone and abandoned when I do this…”

Anger isn’t a good substitute for feeling helpless. Anger in these moments pushes your partner away, creating a painful and confusing void between you. The best reaction to feeling helpless is to feel helpless—without judgment or action. 

When you and your partner are able to stay present and connected in the face of feeling helpless, a powerful opportunity is created for a deep emotional connection. For this to occur, all you have to do (though it’s easier said than done) is to remain present and open to your own experiences and your partner’s experience. Rather than relying on the distancing influence of anger, allow the emotional connection between you to act as your emotional life-jacket in these uncomfortable moments.

Don’t forget to read the follow-up, companion article, Relationship Help: When Men Feel Helpless Part II

Marriage/Relationship Help Resources

Whether you’re recently engaged/married and want to prepare for the future, or you’ve been with your partner for many years and want to strengthen your marriage/relationship, check out my Marriage Enrichment special offer.

And don’t forget to sign up for my free Relationship Help newsletter. You’ll receive two bonus reports when you subscribe.

Wishing you a healthy relationship,

Dr. Rich Nicastro