Archive for the ‘Relationship Advice’ Category

The patterns and rhythms of our lives make it easy to forget what day it is—for many it can feel like our days simply blend together. Mondays feel no different from Tuesdays which seem to blur into Wednesdays and so on.  Sometimes our days are distinguished solely by whether it’s a work-day or a day off.

To break up this existential monotony (the chronic repetitiveness of the ordinary), we identify certain days as more important than others, imbuing these days with elevated meaning and specialness (an anniversary, holiday, birthday). These “special” days have the power to renew and energize our spirits, demanding that we recognize the uniqueness of our lives, challenging us to look at ourselves and our relationship with new, appreciative eyes.

And as far as special days go, for many couples Valentine’s Day is at the top of the list.

The Power, Allure and Pitfalls of Valentine’s Day

Over the next couple of weeks there will be a glut of Internet and magazine articles suggesting how couples can take steps to acknowledge and celebrate their love.  The phrase “Valentine’s day ideas” receives over a half-million Internet searches a month—clearly there are a staggering number of spouses, partners and lovers seeking ways to celebrate their marriage/relationship.

Celebrating the love you and your spouse/partner share is a very good thing—relationships are nourished and emotional bounds fed and renewed when this occurs.

Valentine’s Day forces us to place our marriage/relationship at the center stage of our life; it’s the day where the typical excuses (about being too busy, too stressed, too [fill in the blank]) seem downright pathetic and just plain wrong. It’s the day where, despite the dents and dings that exist in your relationship, the love you and your spouse/partner share will have an opportunity to shine. Couples need this, relationships need this, we all need this.

If you’re in love, Valentine’s Day is one of those days that is set apart from the mundaneness of other days that can engulf a marriage/relationship.

However…

The commercialization of love (Valentine’s Day is big business) and the marketing designed to offer couples a means to express their deepest feelings, however, has the potential to create (like all mass marketing) a mass-sameness, where prepackaged, rote (and therefore meaningless) expressions of love replace self-reflective, self-expressive, heart-felt proclamations of love.

Nothing says “I really didn’t try” than a nondescript box of chocolates purchased—last minute—at the drugstore while you’re picking up a prescription (and you’re only reminded because the cashier and the person ahead of you in line are talking about what day it is).  

The danger for all of us is that it’s easy to become lazy about love, even on the day set apart to celebrate this magical experience—marketers and big business have made it convenient for us to mindlessly reach for one of the myriad of gifts that now have come to represent romantic love (a card we didn’t write, the number of carats in a diamond, expensive champagne). While we all search for ways to express the love we feel for our spouse/partner (which may include external objects that symbolize our love), the mass commercialization of romance can never do justice to the profound and mysterious nature of love.

Love promises us so much: transformation, deep connection, meaning, happiness, renewed aliveness….

Whether these promises are realized or not, we all yearn for love’s potential to make our lives better in some way. Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate the gifts that your partner’s love have brought to your life; for some, it’s a time of awakening a relationship’s forgotten potential by acknowledging that the relationship has grown a little stale and is need of some attention.

• How will you and your spouse/partner celebrate the love you share this Valentine’s Day?
• Will the celebration mainly involve the typical commercialized trappings?
• Can you imagine something more for you and your spouse/partner?

What if…

Imagine for a moment, that the typical way in which millions of couples celebrate Valentine’s Day ceased to exist.

What if…

…there were no gifts that could be purchased for Valentine’s Day—no prepackaged, store-bought items that are designed to communicate your feelings about your partner.

What if…

…the goal of each Valentine’s Day were to create/find a novel way to express the love you each have for one another, and the only medium you could use was yourself: Your words (spoken or written), your touch (non-sexual or sexual), something you create, or some activity you feel captures the essence of your love for one another.

Let me clarify: choosing to go the commercial route and purchasing something for your partner on Valentine’s Day is not an inherently bad thing. The question is whether you stop there and let the item do all the talking about what your partner means to you, or whether you make a conscious effort to express what only you can.

Marriage/Relationship Resources

If you are looking for ways to build a stronger relationship foundation and  keep your relationship healthy for Valentine’s Day and beyond, check out my newest marital and relationship workbooks.

And don’t forget to claim your exclusive, free relationship reports when you sign up for my Relationship Help Newsletter.

Here’s to making every day Valentine’s Day!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Effective couples communication is central to a healthy marriage/relationship—and often the biggest challenge to communicating lies in our ability to effectively share our inner world with another person, a world inhabited by our feelings, thoughts, perspectives, desires, goals, needs…

Whether we’re aware of it or not, we often use metaphors and analogies when communicating. We rely on them to describe the subtleties and nuances of our experiences. They add dynamic color and richness to what we’re trying to express, providing greater clarity and adding communication “oomph” when we’re trying to drive home a point or when we want to impact the listener in a particular way.

Analogies also have the power to enrich our understanding of ourselves—they force us to go deeper into ourselves, to connect more fully to the experience we are trying to share.  

Relationship Help: The Communicative Power of Analogy

Metaphor and analogies can also help couples communicate more effectively when used as a tool for self-expression. 

Examples of the expressive power of analogies and metaphors:

• We have a solid foundation that I find emotionally grounding;
• Our sex life is great…it’s often fiery and, at other times, it’s a slow burn. Both of these work for me;
• He reminds me of a calm lake that centers me emotionally;
• John and I are on the same page;
• We’ve achieved such a wonderful harmony and balance in our marriage, like a symphony;
• I feel like I’m flying when we’re together.  

• We’re always fighting. It’s like we are caught in a hurricane;
• When I think of the relationship, what do I feel? Unfortunately I feel ice-cold;
• When I talk to you I feel like I’m drowning–nothing I say seems to matter;
• I’m constantly walking on egg shells around you…;
• There’s such a wall between us. How can we lower it?;
• I can’t breathe when you question my every move; I feel like I’m sinking in emotional quick-sand.

The first thing you might notice when reading the above statements is how the use of analogies and metaphors create vivid images in our mind, as well as stirring feelings associated with those images. Metaphoric descriptions impact both the speaker (who must create the analogy/metaphor) and the listener (who receives it).

Note the difference in these statements:

“I don’t like the way you’ve been talking to me lately”  versus  “I feel run over when you speak to me like that.”

“I feel great when we’re together” versus “You make me feel brand new, like a million bucks.”

While both statements in the above examples communicate a similar message, the second message in each pairing is more likely to have a bigger emotional impact on the listener, which can be helpful when you’re trying to let your partner know the effect s/he is having on you (whether you’re describing a positive or negative impact). 

Relationship Help Action Step:

Which analogies and/or metaphors would you and your partner use to describe your marriage/relationship?

Can you both work on creating a series of positive analogies/metaphors that capture the type of relationship you’d like to work towards?

Can you start to use the richness of metaphor/analogy to describe your needs and feelings in your marriage/relationship?

Remember, when you struggle to find or create an analogy that represents your feelings and reactions, you are using the power of self-reflection and discernment to form a deeper relationship with yourself—and you are sending your partner powerful information that can help him/her understand you more fully. 

Communication Resources

I’ve created two “How to communicate with your partner/spouse” resources.

1. Check out my couples communication workbook (over 120-pages dedicated to teaching you easy-to-use couples communication skills and strategies);

I often teach workshops and tele-seminars on effective communication skills for couples–and now you have a front seat with my communication audio program:

2. For more information on my couples communication workbook plus over 4-hours of my communication boot-camp audio, click Communication workbook and Audio Program.

Wishing you and your relationship a life-time of effective communication!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Relationship Help Quick Tip

Part of what the mind does is travel, and often those travels take us to imagining our hoped-for futures—how things ought to be.

This is especially true when it comes to our marriage or relationship. We often imagine having a particular type of relationship (let’s call this your relationship ideal): the positive feelings you’ll feel because of your relationship, the lifestyle you’ll live, the sense of connection and the activities you’ll enjoy together, the quality of life you will experience…

And we often envision a particular type of person that we want to share our lives with (let’s call this your spouse-partner ideal), someone you imagine will make your life emotionally fulfilling and meaningful, someone eager to share his/her kindness, love, support, compassion, sense of adventure, humor, passion…

What we often fail to imagine, however, is the kind of partner/spouse we’d like to be (let’s call this your self-as-partner ideal)—the specific spousal-partner attributes and behaviors you’d like to consistently manifest in the marriage/relationship, traits that reflect your deepest values and ideals, the best YOU possible. 

Failure to envision your self-as-partner ideal often occurs because we tend to place the responsibility for our own spousal/partner behavior on our partner’s shoulders. In other words, you believe that your partner’s actions/behaviors are the ultimate factor in determining the type of partner you can be.  So as long as s/he lives up to your spouse-partner ideal, then the best you will emerge and everything will work out itself out in the relationship.

This position backfires because it places all the power and responsibility for your behavior onto your spouse/partner—making you a passive victim to his/her whims, moods, behaviors and decisions. Not a good idea.

Relationship Help Questions:

While the impact our spouse’s/partner’s behavior has on us is undeniable (and often profound), is it possible to try to live up to your own self-as-partner ideals even when your partner is acting in ways that don’t support these ideals? 

Can you be a change-agent for a better relationship/marriage by embracing and living your ideals, even when it might feel like your partner is undermining your efforts?

This is clearly a tall order and it’s easier said than done, but here’s a challenge I’d like you to consider  (and for all of us to consider!):

The next time your partner is having a bad day, or week, or has been overly defensive for what feels like an eternity, reflect upon the ideals you value most as a spouse/partner and let those ideals guide your behavior (rather than letting your partner’s behavior guide your behavior). Whether or not your new mindset is immediately noticed or appreciated by your partner, you will benefit from making a habit of using your own ideals as a relationship yardstick. And in the long run, the odds are that your relationship will, too.

Free Relationship Bonus Reports

To receive my monthly relationship tips, special workbook offers and exclusive bonus articles, don’t forget to sign up for my Relationship Help Newsletter.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Don’t let the PERFECT be the enemy of the GOOD ~Voltaire

In a previous relationship help article (Relationship Perfection, Disappointments and Why Your Partner Will Fail You), I discussed the motivation and pitfalls of expecting to achieve emotional completeness with a loving-caring other, and why we’re often not fully conscious of our own desires to experience relationship perfection. 

In today’s article, I’d like to offer what I consider a healthy (and realistic) option to striving for relationship perfection:  Consciously creating the “good-enough” marriage/relationship. Let’s turn our attention to what a good-enough marriage/relationship might look like.

10 Features of the Good-Enough Marriage/Relationship

1.  Expect good-enough

Our expectations have a profound impact on how we experience others (as well as how we think, feel and behave). So it’s important to raise awareness of your relationship expectations in order to discern which expectations are reasonable, which cause you both to grow and keep the relationship moving forward, and which are a recipe for frustrations and failure. Set the relationship bar high, but not out of reach.

Expect and anticipate mutual effort toward your relationships goals, as well as missteps along the journey; celebrate the wonders of each other (whenever such gifts happen to show up in your relationship) and always work toward improving the bad.

2.   Acknowledgment of your own fallibility

When you acknowledge your fallibility, your inherent humanness, you are adopting a pro-relationship mindset that arises from the virtue of humility.  In the good-enough relationship, humility takes center stage:  In essence you are saying,

“We’re both going to make mistakes. This isn’t an excuse or a way to avoid taking responsibility, but   the fact is that relationships take a lot of work and we will both screw up at times. Let’s accept our imperfections, not deny our blind-spots, and be kind to one another whenever those imperfections get in the way.”

3.  Own your baggage

Creating and living a good-enough relationship is the result of heightened awareness of: How your current behaviors impact (positively or negatively) your spouse/partner; how his/her behavior impacts you; and how the shadows of your pasts (your unresolved family-of-origin emotional issues) continue to get in the way of creating a meaningful relationship.

4.  Keep it honest 

As part of your value system, it may seem like a no-brainer to make honesty a top priority in your relationship. Where couples get into trouble is when they allow emotional issues to go underground because they don’t want to hurt or upset one another—they start withholding from each other rather than respectfully and honestly speaking one’s truth (especially when one’s truth stirs strong reactions in each other).

When this type of honesty is lost, parts of your relationship go underground. And what goes underground at some point resurfaces with a vengeance—so keep it real and honest.

5.  Understand your relationship rhythms

In the good-enough relationship mindset, couples realize that the levels of connection (emotional, physical, spiritual) will fluctuate. To expect a constant level of emotional connection is to expect perfection. There are many factors which impact the intensity and quality of the intimacy that can be achieved. Feeling a deep sense of connection may change because of circumstances outside the relationship (stress at work, illness of a friend) or because of what is transpiring within the relationship (unresolved disagreements, not enough time together).

These intimacy fluctuations mean that a process of closeness and greater distance is the norm; claiming and reclaiming intimacy is the relationship journey.  

6.  Fight the good fight

Some couples are conflict-phobic—they don’t like rocking the relationship boat, even when it’s obvious the boat is capsizing. Fighting for your marriage/relationship is a sign of commitment and love; fighting to prove your righteousness, however, is a form of relationship suicide. Fight the fight for a good-enough relationship, never fight to feel superior and better than your partner.

7.  Nurture the positive

Research on successful marriages and relationships show that there need to be more positive than negative interactions for the union to remain strong. Couples mired in cycles of negativity lose hope and burn out. A good-enough relationship balances facing the difficult issues that need to be addressed while also celebrating and highlighting the positive.  Build on activities that feed emotional intimacy.

8.  Do together

Being in a relationship means acting and behaving like a couple. And couples spend time and do things together. This might seem obvious to you, but it’s an oft-overlooked fact for the hordes of couples who realize that they’ve grown apart and now feel like roommates or strangers. In the good-enough relationship, couples make it a priority to engage in activities that they can enjoy together—this might take some mutual exploration, but it’s well worth the effort.

9.  Do apart

While it’s vital to prioritize and nurture your relationship, it’s just as important to nurture your individual pursuits and interests. A healthy marriage/relationship requires a balance between giving of yourself to your spouse/partner, receiving and accepting from him/her, but just as importantly, giving to yourself. Defining yourself only from the standpoint of the relationship can lead to self-atrophy and the painful sense that you’ve somehow lost your identity because of the relationship. 

10.  Surround the relationship with healthy relationships

You and your relationship do not and should not exist in isolation. For good or bad, what surrounds you  impacts you—and the same goes for your relationship. When striving for a good-enough relationship, it’s important to remember that no relationship is immune from influences and forces outside the relationship. To this end, it’s important to connect with other couples who hold similar values and healthy expectations about their marriage/relationship.

These ten features of a good-enough marriage/relationship can be incorporated into any relationship/marriage—to do so involves creating a plan and then committing to some ongoing elbow grease to keep the plan implemented.

Remember, good-enough relationships include great moments, but these elevated moments aren’t unrealistically set as the litmus test for the entire relationship. It’s the day-to-day connection and the strength of the relationship overall that are the true markers of a solid union.

 Marriage/Relationship Resources

To receive my free, monthly relationship tips, special workbook offers and exclusive bonus articles, don’t forget to sign up for my Relationship Help Newsletter.

And to find out more about my comprehensive marital/relationship workbooks, click Relationship Workbooks.

Here’s to creating a good-enough relationship!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

We all get defensive from time to time—those moments when our emotions seem to take over, controlling us like a marionette caught in a wind storm.  Reacting defensively is never empowering, and we typically don’t feel good about ourselves (or our marriage/relationship) after becoming defensive. We may even attempt to deny our guardedness after the fact, even when it’s obvious to everyone else around us.

As you might imagine, chronic defensiveness communication can be a real problem for your marriage/relationship—it’s a recipe for an ongoing breakdown in communication, repeated frustrations and cycles of negativity. So it should be a top priority for couples to address this issue. One of the most important ways to reduce defensiveness is to identify the negative impact it is having on your relationship/marriage.

Relationship reality: The negative fallout of chronic defensiveness is considerable.

5 Pitfalls of Defensive Communication  

1) You cannot be defensive and at the same time listen to your spouse’s/partner’s perspective—the cardinal rule of effective couples communication is violated when defensiveness takes hold: No One Is Listening!;

2) Defensiveness begets defensiveness (and usually after a defensive interaction both parties come away feeling unappreciated, totally misunderstood or victimized by the other);

3) Over time, defensiveness feeds a negative energy of hostility, resentment and, at some point, apathy—relationships cannot exist in this kind of toxic environment;

4) The lack of openness, and increased frustration and anger associated with defensiveness, erode the trust and emotional safety that is vital for an intimate relationship;

5) Defensiveness can take a physical toll on everyone involved—defensive-reactivity places our bodies in an elevated stress-response that can inhibit rational-clear thinking, and tax us emotionally and physically.

As you can see from the above list, overcoming defensive communication should be a priority for couples wanting to experience the gifts of effective communication. And remember, you must be responsible for your own defensiveness. The mindset “But my spouse/partner is making me react defensively!” will only lead to communication stagnation.

Couples Communication Resources

For information about how to make effective communication a regular part of your relationship, click communication workbook.

And to receive a 25% discount off my top 3 selling relationship workbooks (including my communication workbook), click Marriage Enrichment special offer.

All Best,

Dr. Rich Nicastro