Archive for the ‘Relationship Help Quick Tip’ Category

Relationship Help Quick Tip

“We connect the old-fashioned way, by making time to visit with each other in the mornings or evenings.” ~Ted, married six years

You might think Ted is from a past generation, from a bygone era where people placed a higher value on carving out face-to-face time to catch up, a time when people went out of their way to “visit” with each other.

Is “visiting” an antiquated concept, a relic of an outdated past (like the rotatory phone, vinyl records, and VHS tapes)?

I was curious about why a thirty-something, modern couple fully engaged with the technological trappings of their generation would make the effort to temporarily unplug from their cyber-existence and “visit” with one another. 

Ted and his wife Amanda chuckled when I asked about their “visits.” She shared, “Ted learned that from his grandparents. They used to talk about ‘visiting’ their friends and neighbors and family all the time. When Ted first told me he wanted us to start ‘visiting,’ I thought it was a little weird, but I have to admit…”

Amanda went on to “admit” that she enjoys their visits and she feels emotionally closer to her husband because of them. Ted believes that the increased intrusiveness of modern life has made time together (away from the technological world) “sacred to our relationship.” 

The 5 Rules and Mindset of “Visiting”:

1) The time spent together is more important then the content of what is discussed;

2) The central focus is on being together, checking in with one another, catching up, directly (or indirectly) sending the message, “I’ve been thinking about you. How have you been? How was your day?”;

3) The pacing of the visit is deliberately slow and different from the frenetic pace of life—this requires a shift in energy that may feel unnatural at first—the diffuse energies that support an action mode of existence must give way to an energy that supports focused attention and being fully present in the moment (the “visiting” mindset is akin to a meditative state);

4) Technology is not allowed into the visiting space—distractions (including television!) of all types are off-limits (to the greatest degree possible);

5) Visiting requires a mental and physical space that needs ongoing protection. Modernity will constantly be at odds with and intrude upon the time designated for the relationship. From a relationship standpoint, visiting should be considered sacred.

When was the last time you and your partner visited?  Are you willing to make visiting a regular part of your relationship routine?

Couples Communication Resources

For information about how to make effective communication a regular part of your relationship, click communication workbook.

And to receive a 25% discount off my top 3 selling relationship workbooks (including my communication workbook), click Marriage Enrichment special offer.

Let’s make effective communication a regular part of your marriage/relationship!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Relationship Help Quick Tip

Part of what the mind does is travel, and often those travels take us to imagining our hoped-for futures—how things ought to be.

This is especially true when it comes to our marriage or relationship. We often imagine having a particular type of relationship (let’s call this your relationship ideal): the positive feelings you’ll feel because of your relationship, the lifestyle you’ll live, the sense of connection and the activities you’ll enjoy together, the quality of life you will experience…

And we often envision a particular type of person that we want to share our lives with (let’s call this your spouse-partner ideal), someone you imagine will make your life emotionally fulfilling and meaningful, someone eager to share his/her kindness, love, support, compassion, sense of adventure, humor, passion…

What we often fail to imagine, however, is the kind of partner/spouse we’d like to be (let’s call this your self-as-partner ideal)—the specific spousal-partner attributes and behaviors you’d like to consistently manifest in the marriage/relationship, traits that reflect your deepest values and ideals, the best YOU possible. 

Failure to envision your self-as-partner ideal often occurs because we tend to place the responsibility for our own spousal/partner behavior on our partner’s shoulders. In other words, you believe that your partner’s actions/behaviors are the ultimate factor in determining the type of partner you can be.  So as long as s/he lives up to your spouse-partner ideal, then the best you will emerge and everything will work out itself out in the relationship.

This position backfires because it places all the power and responsibility for your behavior onto your spouse/partner—making you a passive victim to his/her whims, moods, behaviors and decisions. Not a good idea.

Relationship Help Questions:

While the impact our spouse’s/partner’s behavior has on us is undeniable (and often profound), is it possible to try to live up to your own self-as-partner ideals even when your partner is acting in ways that don’t support these ideals? 

Can you be a change-agent for a better relationship/marriage by embracing and living your ideals, even when it might feel like your partner is undermining your efforts?

This is clearly a tall order and it’s easier said than done, but here’s a challenge I’d like you to consider  (and for all of us to consider!):

The next time your partner is having a bad day, or week, or has been overly defensive for what feels like an eternity, reflect upon the ideals you value most as a spouse/partner and let those ideals guide your behavior (rather than letting your partner’s behavior guide your behavior). Whether or not your new mindset is immediately noticed or appreciated by your partner, you will benefit from making a habit of using your own ideals as a relationship yardstick. And in the long run, the odds are that your relationship will, too.

Free Relationship Bonus Reports

To receive my monthly relationship tips, special workbook offers and exclusive bonus articles, don’t forget to sign up for my Relationship Help Newsletter.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Effective Couples Communication Quick Tip

When trying to improve your marriage/relationship, one of the biggest challenges is to avoid the slippery slope of falling into a perpetual conversational abyss that leads nowhere. This doesn’t mean you should never attempt to understand past marital/relationship problems (since with mutual understanding comes greater empathy and emotional intimacy)—but the fact is that certain issues, those hot-button trouble spots that quickly result in intense anger and defensiveness, should probably be shelved (at least temporarily).

The truth is that you and your spouse/partner may never see eye-to-eye about certain issues (present or past relationship issues): You may each be totally convinced of what feels like an unquestionable truth without any wiggle room or willingness to consider the other person’s perspective.  This is a real challenge for couples, since one of our primary emotional needs is to feel understood and validated by those closest to us. And while less than ideal, this level of disparity does occur from time to time.

So rather than continuously banging your head up against a communication wall, it may be helpful to create a list of conversational topics to be avoided—a communication off-limits zone. 

What is an communication off-limits zone?

A communication off-limits zone is a list of marital/relationship issues and topics that have already occurred and you and your partner disagree on why this issue(s) occurred. For example, you may blame your partner for the lack of emotional and/or physical intimacy that exists in the relationship, while s/he is adamant that the emotional divide is the result of your pulling away and refusing to communicate. Such conversations quickly devolve into mutual blaming and/or withdrawal. 

So a communication off-limits zone for the above example might read something like:

“We agree not to discuss our beliefs about what set the current intimacy problems into motion. We have very different viewpoints on this issue, and attempts to explore it has only led to increased conflict, anger and hurt. So rather then focus on who did what to cause the problem, we agree to focus on present-day solutions: what we each will do for a brighter relationship future (rather than placing our emotional energies into focusing on what the other person has or has not done in the past).”

Such an agreement can head off any communication battles that lead to the toxic trio of blame, accusation, and condemnation.

It’s important to note that a communication off-limits zone shouldn’t be used as an excuse to not have those conversations that make you uncomfortable—some of the most important discussions couples have make us feel emotionally uneasy. Rather, the off-limits zone is for the conversations that you’ve both tried to have over and over again without any resolution or meaningful understanding of one another.

The communication off-limits zone is a way of quarantining a particular issue that has become a toxin to your marriage/relationship. These issues are often best explored with the help of a professional (e.g., a marriage or couples counselor) who can mediate and coach you in the communication process.

Couples Communication Resources

For information about how to make effective communication a regular part of your relationship, click communication workbook.

And to receive a 25% discount off my top 3 selling relationship workbooks (including my communication workbook), click Marriage Enrichment special offer.

Let’s make effective communication a regular part of your marriage/relationship!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

“No” is one of the most important words in our vocabulary.

It implies willfulness, power, thoughtfulness, and separateness from another person. When you say “no,” you are asserting your individuality, your “otherness” from others. When “no” is used effectively, it establishes a healthy psychological boundary between your wants/desires/preferences/values and the wants and desires of others in your life. The message, “No, I’d like you to also compromise some on this issue, I’ve done all of the compromising and it needs to be a give and take” is a healthy use of “no.”

“No” can also take on less healthy features.

It can become a weapon of withholding from those you love and care about (“No, I won’t give her what she wants because I’m angry with her, let her squirm a little”), a way of saying, “I’ve got what you want [love, support, information, etc] and you can’t have it.” Withholding (rather than opening and effectively communicating your needs and frustrations) can lead to numerous marital/relationship problems.

For some of us, “no” is our default setting—our automated response to almost any request or discussion. This is usually a sign of an underlying anxiety about the unknown, an anti-openness stance that we use as a protective shield to keep us in our comfort zone. The message is clear from this narrowed stance: “If it isn’t familiar or comfortable, no! is the way to go.” This shuts out others and ultimately keeps you stuck rather than moving forward.

And then there are those of us who cannot say “no.” This default position (the “yes” default) is also born out of anxiety: “If I say ‘no,’ she will be mad at me”; “I have to say ‘yes’ to stay in this relationship…to make him happy.” When “no” isn’t seen as an option, you continuously sacrifice yourself for the other person. In this case, there is no separateness—you exist as an extension of someone else’s whims and quirks. There is always a negative backlash to this position.

Relationship Help: Self-Reflection Action Step

How is “no” used in your marriage or relationship?

Are your “nos” born out of thoughtfulness, compromise and mutual consideration? Or do they arise out of one of the unhealthy default positions described above?

Here’s to “no-ing” your way to a healthy marriage/relationship!

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.

Congratulations!: After frantically tracking all the relevant holiday sales, after standing in line for hours on Black Friday, after finding your “must have” gifts for family and friends, you can finally slow down, reflect on and enjoy what the holidays mean to you. 

And does part of the holidays involve celebrating your marriage/relationship? How will you acknowledge what your spouse/partner means to you?

You might think that iPhone or plasma TV is the perfect way to celebrate your relationship, but — no matter how crisp and clear the picture is — it won’t strengthen your marriage/relationship or bring you and your partner long-lasting fulfillment.

Relationship Help: The Gift of Your Relationship

The fact is that many couples simply exchange gifts or cards without some direct acknowledgment of what their partner means to them—it’s as if the love and appreciation they share is implied in the gift-giving. This is a mistake.

Developing non-material rituals to express your love and appreciation is a powerful way to celebrate your union throughout the holiday season (and throughout the year). How you express your gratitude for your partner should be a reflection of his/her uniqueness and the meaning s/he holds for you. Be thoughtful and creative.

One couple I worked with developed an “appreciation ritual.” Each wrote on an index card one thing they loved about the other—in other words, they started keeping a marital/relationship gratitude checklist. As a holiday gift, they committed to exchanging a card per week for an entire year. They had to think of fifty-two ways to communicate love, admiration and respect for one another. This gift had the benefit of nurturing intimacy throughout the year.

Relationship Help Action Step:

Here’s a question that will help you put your marriage/relationship above all material items.

Please reflect on this question throughout the holiday season, and share it with your spouse/partner:

“In this time of love, family and giving, how will you create lasting opportunities to express your gratitude and appreciation of your partner and the relationship that you’ve both created?”

When you’re busy crossing off items on your shopping list, go back to the above question and give it (and therefore your relationship) the attention it deserves.

Marriage/Relationship Workbook Special

For more information on how to receive a 25% discount off my top 3 selling relationship workbooks (including my communication workbook), click Marriage Enrichment special offer.

Happy holidays!

Dr. Rich Nicastro