Getting Old-Fashioned For A Better Relationship

Relationship Help Quick Tip

“We connect the old-fashioned way, by making time to visit with each other in the mornings or evenings.” ~Ted, married six years

You might think Ted is from a past generation, from a bygone era where people placed a higher value on carving out face-to-face time to catch up, a time when people went out of their way to “visit” with each other.

Is “visiting” an antiquated concept, a relic of an outdated past (like the rotatory phone, vinyl records, and VHS tapes)?

I was curious about why a thirty-something, modern couple fully engaged with the technological trappings of their generation would make the effort to temporarily unplug from their cyber-existence and “visit” with one another. 

Ted and his wife Amanda chuckled when I asked about their “visits.” She shared, “Ted learned that from his grandparents. They used to talk about ‘visiting’ their friends and neighbors and family all the time. When Ted first told me he wanted us to start ‘visiting,’ I thought it was a little weird, but I have to admit…”

Amanda went on to “admit” that she enjoys their visits and she feels emotionally closer to her husband because of them. Ted believes that the increased intrusiveness of modern life has made time together (away from the technological world) “sacred to our relationship.” 

The 5 Rules and Mindset of “Visiting”:

1) The time spent together is more important then the content of what is discussed;

2) The central focus is on being together, checking in with one another, catching up, directly (or indirectly) sending the message, “I’ve been thinking about you. How have you been? How was your day?”;

3) The pacing of the visit is deliberately slow and different from the frenetic pace of life—this requires a shift in energy that may feel unnatural at first—the diffuse energies that support an action mode of existence must give way to an energy that supports focused attention and being fully present in the moment (the “visiting” mindset is akin to a meditative state);

4) Technology is not allowed into the visiting space—distractions (including television!) of all types are off-limits (to the greatest degree possible);

5) Visiting requires a mental and physical space that needs ongoing protection. Modernity will constantly be at odds with and intrude upon the time designated for the relationship. From a relationship standpoint, visiting should be considered sacred.

When was the last time you and your partner visited?  Are you willing to make visiting a regular part of your relationship routine?

Let’s make effective communication a regular part of your marriage/relationship!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

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