Are you a “good enough” spouse/partner?

Decades ago, the renowned pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald W. Winnicott introduced the important concept of the “good-enough” mother. He described how flexible parenting establishes the conditions (which he called the “holding environment”) for healthy child development—this idea offered a welcome counterpoint to the unrealistic notion of “perfect” mothering: That mythic, maternal sage who could always meet all of her child’s needs.

Child-care experts now agree that any attempts at parenting-perfection (whatever that might look like) is more likely to do harm than good (for all involved).  The same caveat holds true for the desire for marital/relationship perfection.

Seeking The Perfect Marriage/Relationship

Working toward a “good-enough” relationship-mindset can be very helpful for couples trying to create a fulfilling and lasting union. To adopt a “good-enough” marital/relationship-mindset, we must first understand its opposite: Our deepest yearnings for relationship perfection—an unconscious desire that shapes us in profound ways. 

Before we explore the idea of a “good-enough” marriage/relationship, let’s first look at the illusion of a “perfect” marriage/relationship.

In the fantasy-world of relationship perfection:

1. Your spouse/partner will be perpetually attuned to (and intuit) your needs and desires and s/he will take the appropriate steps (without much delay) required to fulfill your needs;
2. Your feelings of infatuation, elation, and mutual openness/acceptance that may have existed early in the relationship will never diminish—you will forever ride the high of new love;
3. Your partner will always be excited to see you, and want to spend time with you or, if  desired, s/he will give you just the right amount of space you need—in other words, you will never feel lonely or smothered;
4. Your spouse/partner will patiently and empathetically listen to and fully grasp your deepest longings, fears, and concerns whenever you need him/her to—you will exist in a perpetual state of feeling understood; 
5. Your partner’s interests will completely mesh with your own interests (so when you feel like staying home and doing nothing, s/he will be right next to you, wanting nothing more than to do nothing with you; and when you feel like engaging in some activity that you enjoy, s/he will mobilize and enthusiastically join in);
6. Your spouse/partner will be in the mood to have sex whenever you’re in the mood;
7. Your partner will fulfill all of your sexual needs (from the mundane to the highly erotic).

There is a theme in the above illusions of marital/relationship perfection:

A craving for complete merger and blending with another, a union where our needs and desires take center stage—in other words, the seeking of an omnipresent and omni-available partner who can fulfill the roles of caregiver, friend, lover…

Are we really susceptible to such unrealistic expectations?

And if so, how could this happen?  What is it that we really want from our spouses/partners?

Some experts speculate that a continued hope for total union and oneness resides in the depths of our unconscious mind—a powerful fantasy that stems from our earliest interactions with caregivers, shaped by developmental experiences when (as infants) we could not distinguish our own emotional world (our self-experiences) from the people who were caring for us. In essence, we experienced emotional harmony with others during this early and crucial phase of life (a sense of blissful oneness)—and, as adults (whether we’re aware of it or not), we are always re-seeking these experiences. 

According to this view, our adult relationships will always involve disappointment—never living up to the unrealistic expectations of complete emotional harmony. In this relationship-fall-from-grace, our spouses/partners will fail us at a fundamental level, never giving us the elusive completeness we once felt at the very beginning of life.

So what does this all mean for me and my relationship?

It’s not easy to determine just how much influence these unconscious fantasies/expectations may have for a particular individual or couple.

Some of us may be trying to recapture this experience of wholeness, chasing past shadows, blaming our partners for their shortcomings in an effort to give reason to our own dissatisfaction, all the while failing to recognize the source of this existential drama. Yet for many, marriage/relationship offers both fulfillment and frustration, with the realistic limitations of long-term love and domestic life existing side-by-side with never-ending hopes for greater connection and satisfaction.

So we may all be seeking a relationship Eden, and to this end place an enormous responsibility onto our partners that can never be realized—demanding a perfection that is, at best, an illusion. Understanding these complex, often unconscious dynamics is a powerful way to start the process of unraveling the threads of our longings for completion and the relationship frustrations that seem to be an inherent part of the human condition. 

Don’t forget to check out my article, Fighting For The Good-Enough Relationship, where I discuss the features of a “good-enough” relationship that couples should consciously work toward in an effort to counter our unconscious desires for the anticipated bliss associated with merger with another. 

Relationship Help Resources

To receive my free, monthly relationship tips, special workbook offers and exclusive bonus articles, don’t forget to sign up for my Relationship Help Newsletter.

And to find out more about my comprehensive marital/relationship workbooks, click Relationship Workbooks.

Until next time!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Be Sociable, Share!

• 

We all make mistakes, those relationship mishaps like forgetting to pick up milk on the way home from work as promised, or failing to acknowledge an anniversary, or not paying attention when our partner is sharing something important with us—these “oops” moments are pretty cut and dry: You messed up, you admit it, you apologize, and then you both move on.

But not every relationship mishap is so black and white.

Relationship Help: When Two Realities Clash

There are many instances where one of you may feel the other has erred in some way without mutual agreement about what has actually transpired (you might have very different versions about how and why something occurred).  In these instances, your partner may feel like you’ve messed up while you believe s/he is making a mountain out of a mole hill—clearly this level of disconnect is a recipe for insidious marital or relationship conflict.

When this occurs, couples often ask themselves some version of the following questions—questions  that may add fuel to the relationship fire:

• Who’s really “right”? (This implies someone has to be unquestionably wrong.)
• Is there an ultimate truth that must be identified when these type of disagreements happen?

As you might imagine, under most circumstances such questions create a greater divide because the only resolution is for one person to accept the truth-perspective of the other while ultimately rejecting his/her own.  When these questions are part of the relationship landscape, you or your partner are suggesting the following:

“Admit you’re wrong, abandon your perspective and embrace mine, and then we can move on to living happily ever after.”

This approach violates our basic human condition: The need to have our reality—a reality where our feelings take center-stage—acknowledged and understood. This is why this approach often fails miserably.

The Power of Emotions in Shaping Our Reality

Very often we “know” something is wrong in our relationship (or right, for that matter) because of the feelings we have about what has or is transpiring with our partner.

In other words, your emotional reactions color your reality; your feelings act as a signal that shapes your truth-perspective. So when you’ve done something wrong in your partner’s eyes, it’s not only the “facts” of what happened that are considered, but more importantly, your partner’s feelings about what happened (or what didn’t happen). 

Our feelings can be an important  source of information: They inform us about what is and isn’t working in our relationship. Positive emotions (such as feelings of security, closeness, contentment, happiness, playfulness, joy, etc.) let us know that our relationship is working well for us, whereas “negative” emotions (such as insecurity, loneliness, anger, distress, hurt, jealousy, etc.) inform us that something is amiss that may need to be addressed. 

And the intensity of your emotional reactions regarding a particular event (intense anger rather than mild annoyance) may signal that:

1)  An important, core value you hold has been violated in some way;

and/or,

2) Your sense of emotional security and safety in the relationship has been threatened.

So the more intense your feelings, the more important and serious the issue is for you (assuming, of course, that other factors aren’t impacting your feelings).

It’s usually the person having the stronger emotional reaction who has more at stake: Not only is s/he upset about something that has already happened, but now s/he is faced with the likelihood that his/her feelings may be minimized or totally discounted—the fallout from this emotional double-whammy is considerable and, if not properly addressed, a pattern of estrangement can take hold.

So what should couples do when one partner is emotionally reeling over something the other partner feels is insignificant?

3 Conversations Couples Should Be Having:

One way to approach this thorny issue is to come to an agreement that this is not a right-versus-wrong issue. Such a mindset will only lead to incessant disagreements and battles that make life miserable for all involved. Rather, couples should prepare for these challenging events by acknowledging that such events are inevitable and can, with effort and sensitivity, be worked through to the benefit of the marriage/relationship.

1) Acknowledge the Inevitable

This conversation might go something like:

“There will be times where one of us is really upset with the other and there will be disagreements about what exactly happened and who is responsible. One of us may feel that something really upsetting has happened between us while the other may feel like nothing significant has occurred. Let’s acknowledge that this is a common occurrence in long-term relationships and develop a communication plan for when this does occur.”

2) Abandon Any Thoughts of Right-Versus-Wrong

This conversation might go something like:

“When we disagree about something important, it’s common to fall back on the position that one of us is right and the other is wrong. We both need to understand that this position isn’t helpful and will usually lead to increased defensiveness and greater emotional wounding. Let’s agree to work on adopting the following mindset:

While I may feel totally justified in my position, I need to accept the fact that my partner’s perspective may be different than my own and that s/he may feel totally justified in his/her own position. True, it’s not easy, but we will each work on accepting the reality that we are different people who will perceive and react to events differently at times.”

3) Focus On Understanding Each Other’s Perspective 

This conversation might go something like:

“Rather than making it a habit that we simply defend our own positions whenever we disagree, we will work toward the goal of understanding each other’s perspectives and feelings. Since the person who is upset/hurt has more at stake emotionally, the immediate goal may be to address and understand the emotionally injured partner’s perspective/feelings first, before examining the other person’s perspective.

The goal of understanding one another does not necessarily mean agreeing with each other’s viewpoint; rather, the goal is to make sense of it, understanding the “how and why” of each other’s unique reactions. We will commit to doing our best to embrace the goal of making mutual understanding a regular part of our relationship.”

I encourage couples to have some variation of the above three conversations as a way of preparing for the inevitable relationship misfires that are part of all marriages/relationships (no matter how healthy a marriage or relationship is). The issues addressed in this article are a challenge for many of us (myself  included), and these conversations may need to occur throughout the life of your relationship.

Relationship Workbooks

For information about how to make effective communication a regular part of your relationship, click communication workbook.

And to receive a 25% discount off my top 3 selling relationship workbooks (including my communication workbook), click Marriage Enrichment special offer.

Let’s make effective communication a regular part of your marriage/relationship!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Be Sociable, Share!

• 

Couple Spotlight: Relationship Help from Couples Just Like You

Today’s Topic: Learning from your relationship mistakes.

To say that Lenora is a giving person is an understatement.  She is the first person her friends and family call when they’re in need. “I’ve always been this way, and while I feel good about this part of myself, it’s gotten me in trouble with men in the past.” What Lenora is referring to is a history of relationships with men who have taken advantage of her emotional generosity.

“I couldn’t see this pattern at first, but with the help of my best friend, as well as my therapist, I started to realize that I had a really strong need to please others as a way of feeling good about myself…I thought that I must be valuable if someone totally needed me.” So to feel worthy, Lenora often found herself in relationships with men who weren’t emotionally whole—she was drawn to emotionally troubled men because she found some modicum of self-esteem in trying to fix them.

But, as you might imagine, this pattern never served her. 

The men she ended up with (the “walking wounded” as she now calls them) only took from her without ever giving back emotionally. And the more she gave, the more they hungrily consumed. This, of course, took an emotional toll on Lenora. And she never found the elusive self-worth and peace she hoped for in her relationships—in fact, she often felt worse (taken advantage of).

Over time, understanding this pattern helped free Lenora from its unrelenting grip. She became  increasingly aware of her emotional Achilles heel. So whenever she felt emotionally drawn to a particular man, she needed to slow down, hit the pause button on her feelings that “this is the one!” and take stock of what was behind her attraction and feelings. And just as important, she began to claim her own self-worth without needing to be in a relationship with someone who needed her.

And now Lenora happily reports that several years ago she met and married an “emotionally giving” man and she couldn’t be happier. But for this to happen, she first needed to become aware of the relationship patterns that weren’t serving her, and that’s the lesson she would like to share—that there are always important growth-lessons to be cultivated from our relationship mishaps.

Thanks, Lenora, for sharing your story with us!

What are the relationship patterns from your past that you can use to better understand yourself?

Relationship Help Newsletter

Don’t forget to sign up for my free, Relationship Help Newsletter!  Here are just a few benefits to subscribing:

• Exclusive content you won’t find on my blog;
• Special gifts to help you build a stronger marriage/relationship;
• Discounts and advance notice on special offers;
• And more!

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Be Sociable, Share!

• 

(In today’s guest blog post,  Barbara Peters explores an issue that is essential to building a healthy marriage/relationship: How to make mutual acceptance a regular part of your relationship.)

While it might be easy to accept the big abstract philosophies and universal truths our partners spout from time to time, it can be irritatingly difficult to accept the little mannerisms and personality quirks that pop up day-in and day-out in our relationships.

You know, all the things that can push our buttons, even something as simple as leaving the cap off the toothpaste. Before long, irritations can explode into a litany of “Why don’t you do this . . . How hard can it be to do that?”which quickly becomes the daily mantra.

Nobody is perfect, especially our partners, right? And, oh how good it can feel to point this out!

Accepting others, especially the person we love so much, can be difficult to do. To practice acceptance, it’s necessary to shed our coats of self-righteousness and self-centeredness. We must be willing to overlook, if not fully accept, the shortcomings, differences, quirks, and limitations we think our partner has.

Acceptance doesn’t happen overnight; it is a process, especially if the relationship has become a battle of wills. Yes, you can do it alone and you will see a definite improvement in your relationship, but wouldn’t it be wonderful if you both tried to be more accepting of each other?

Here are some steps you can take right now to perfect your skills of acceptance:

• Learn not to criticize. Ridiculing your partner for behavior you do not accept will not make the other change. Instead, focus on your partner’s strengths.
• Be a good listener. Your partner wants to know you respect his or her words.
• Plan constructive things to do together to build your similarities and “togetherness” strengths.
• Humor helps. Laughing about an issue sometimes makes it vanish. Making fun of yourself in a lighthearted way is a good form of self-acceptance, which will transfer to your feelings about your partner.
• Have realistic expectations of your partner and your relationship. It is what it is! You can work to make it better, but, remember, we’re still all human!

Barbara J. Peters is a Licensed Professional Counselor and relationship counselor with extensive experience working with couples. For more information about Barbara and her relationship books, visit her website: www.thegiftofalifetime.net

____________________

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist specializing in marital/relationship issues and creator of www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com. If you’d like to become a guest expert on his website, please feel free to contact  Dr. Nicastro.

Be Sociable, Share!

• 

For a moment, think about your reflexes: No matter how hard you try to remain still when your doctor taps below your knee, your leg is going to involuntarily kick—in these moments it’s as if your body has a life of its own, acting on its own set of rules that exist independent of your intention. And like our body’s reflexes, there are certain events that seem to reflexively trigger certain emotions in us, feelings that rush over us at times, whether we welcome them or not.

If you’re in a long-term relationship, you probably know about being emotionally triggered—those maddening moments when your spouse/partner seems to get under your skin: A word, comment, look, or behavior that shoots your emotional thermometer upward. We may not be proud of them, but we’ve all had those moments—moments when we don’t feel in control of our own emotional destiny.

When your spouse/partner upsets you in some way, it’s easy (and all too common) to place the responsibility for your upset state entirely onto him/her—you are having your reaction because your partner made you feel angry or hurt or embarrassed or…  And the reality is that there are certain events that would upset most of us (e.g., being disrespected, invalidated, ignored, or mocked).

Relationship Help: What occurs when you’re emotionally triggered?

While the argument can be made that there are relationship experiences that would upset nine out of ten people, the other reality is that we each have unique emotional fault-lines, sensitivities created in our childhoods that make us more vulnerable to reacting a certain way emotionally. What sends you into an emotional frenzy might have little emotional impact on your spouse/partner (and, of course, the reverse is true). When you have a reaction to something your partner does (especially when you later—in a cool, reflective moment—decide the event wouldn’t have bothered most people the way it did you), it can be helpful to consider whether a particular emotional sensitivity from your past is being activated.

5 Emotional Trigger Warning Signs

When we’re emotionally triggered, our emotional reaction may take on one or more of the following features:

1) You may experience a quick, knee-jerk reaction (your feelings rapidly escalate);
2) Your emotional reaction seems automatic (beyond your control);
3) The feelings are intense (and may seem disproportionate to the triggering circumstance);
4) It’s difficult to shake yourself from the feelings once they’ve occurred (the feelings have a lasting quality to them);
5) You may ruminate about the triggering event (you focus for an extended period of time on what happened, thereby adding fuel to your emotional fire).

Think of the above as possible cues that a particular emotional sensitivity is being stirred in you—when this occurs, your feelings are controlling you, rather than you controlling your feelings.

It’s important to understand that being triggered does not mean your reaction isn’t justified or valid. It very well may be your partner’s inappropriate behavior that is triggering you and that his or her behavior needs to be changed. The goal of understanding your emotional triggers isn’t to minimize troubling relationship events or to let your partner off the hook when s/he should be taking responsibility for certain actions, but rather is to help you feel more in control of your emotional world—to  allow you to exist within your emotional world without feeling like a prisoner to that world.   

Strengthen Your Marriage/Relationship Action Step

Once you have suspicions that you are being emotionally triggered, you can ask yourself the following  questions to help you better understand your emotional experience:

• Why is this particular event troubling me so much—what meaning does this event hold for me?
• Are my reactions something I felt in other, past relationships?
• Is this something I also felt as a child?

Our emotional sensitives are often rooted in our childhood experiences—so it can be helpful to make a connection between your current reactions that are being triggered and the important emotional events that impacted you throughout your childhood. Doing this is easier said than done, but it is well worth the time and effort to find out. It can be helpful to work with a therapist or counselor to help you better understand how your past is impacting your current reactions and relationships.

Relationship Workbook Resource

If you’d like to explore further how your past experiences continue to impact the way you relate to your spouse/partner, check out my workbook:

Take Control of Your Relationship: Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your Future

Wishing you and your relationship a bright future,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

Be Sociable, Share!

•