Many new marriages/relationships are naturally passionate: Yearning for one another when not together, frequent and intense love-making, communicating your feelings through touch and sex.
But for many couples, the effortless passion of new love isn’t permanent: over time the realities of domestic life rob relationships of the mystique that often fuels passion. Seeing one another under less than ideal circumstances, daily stresses, changing roles (like becoming parents), are just some of the passion drainers that all couples must contend with.
The Passionate marriage: You can increase desire in your marriage
(D) Do something different. Relationship ruts are the result of mind-numbing repetitiveness and seeing your spouse/partner as one-dimensional (only as a mother, rather than as a mother and as a woman with sexual needs). Being a little less predictable can plant the seeds of desire.
(E) Educate yourself about what turns your spouse/partner on. How can you accomplish this? ASK him/her. It can be as simple and straightforward as, “What turns you on?”
(S) Sex is a sensory experience. Learn to incorporate all of your senses (and try to stimulate all of your spouse’s/partner’s senses) during sex. Touch can be highly sensual and just by touching your partner in a new way, you can ramp up the desire in your marriage.
(I) Inform your spouse/partner about what turns you on. This is where communication comes in: “I like it when you touch me like that”; “It drives me crazy when you talk dirty to me.”
(R) Role play in and outside of the bedroom: One couple I worked with used to go to a grocery store and pretend they were strangers meeting for the first time, with the evening ending in passionate love making (and this couple has been married for over thirty years!). When you role play, you bring back the mystery and novelty that often fuels passion early on in relationships.
(E) Experimentation is a mindset that can turn a ho-hum sex life into a passionate sex life. It creates an atmosphere of openness and playfulness. Sexual experimentation doesn’t have to be complicated and there are many good books to help couples increase their sexual repertoire. New outfits, new sexual positions, new ways of initiating sex, new locations… You get the idea.
So each letter of the word desire can be used as your passion guide to a more fulfilling sex life with your spouse/partner. One of the biggest resistances to using new information is the assumption that “real passion” should come naturally and that any effort on your part is an indication that your marriage or relationship is doomed to a passionless reality. This assumption is totally incorrect. Couples who have been together for many years and still have passionate sex take the time and effort to work at it!
Marriage/Relationship Help Resource
For a detailed roadmap on how to make passion and intimacy a central part of your relationship, check out my 182-page Passion, Sex and Intimacy: Keep the Fires of Passion Burning workbook.
Wishing you a passionate marriage,
Dr. Rich Nicastro