Questions have the power to change people… 

For centuries, philosophers have known about the power of questions as a tool to finding the deeper truths about life. And questions are one of the central ways in which therapists (including marriage/couples counselors) help clients create more meaningful lives.

Certain questions have the potential to open up possibilities and shift ingrained perspectives that hold people back from reaching fuller potentials. Let’s focus on one such question that you can reflect on (and ask yourself) in order to build a stronger, more rewarding marriage/relationship.

Relationship Help Through Self-Questioning

The “What if?” question is designed to nudge you out of your typical (and at times self-limiting) ways of thinking and behaving. You can use this question in many different ways: To face your worst fears head-on (“What if I did lose my job, then what…”) or to imagine other new ways of being—for instance, moving closer to reaching your ideal as a spouse/partner.

Here are some ways you can use this question to shape and reshape your relationship (be mindful of any resistance and cynicism you might experience while reflecting on the questions below).

What if…

• You spent an entire day acting lovingly toward your spouse/partner, even if the marriage/relationship has been strained lately?
• You said, “I love and appreciate you so much” several times a day for an entire week?
• You asked your mate, “If there is anything I can do for you today, please let me know?”
• You imagined what if must be like for your spouse to be married to you when s/he’s upset with something you’ve done?
• You cooked dinner when it was unexpected?
• You made a concerted effort to understand your spouse’s/partner’s perspective even when you disagree over an issue?
• You stopped focusing on what hasn’t been working in the marriage/relationship and spent at least one week keeping a running list of all the little things that are actually making a difference?
• You gave your spouse a hug without being asked?
• You got the kids ready for school for the whole month?
• You genuinely said, “I’m sorry…what can I do to make this right?” the next time you upset your partner?
• You sent your wife/husband a “You mean the world to me” email or text message for no particular reason?
• You gave your partner a massage the next time s/he seems really stressed?
• You behaved like it was your partner’s birthday even when it isn’t?
• You made the morning coffee for your spouse?
• You went out of your way to surprise your partner in ways you know would please him/her?
• You put just a little bit more effort into being responsive to your spouse’s/partner’s requests?

Now I have two “What if” questions for you:

What if…

You took one or more of the above questions and each day made the conscious choice to use it to change your behavior in an effort to strengthen and improve your marriage/relationship—even when you don’t particularly feel in the mood to do so?

And What if…

You continued to practice this without having any expectations about how you’d like your spouse/partner to react to your new behaviors?

Marriage/Relationship Resources

I) If you’re planning to marry, recently married or starting a committed relationship, I highly recommend the Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples, by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT.

This comprehensive premarital resource covers such vital issues as: 

• Developing effective communication skills

• How to deepen emotional safety (essential for intimacy)

• Acquiring relationship balance

• Overcoming problematic family-of-origin issues

• How to assess your marriage/relationship expectations

• Creating a personal and marriage vision

The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples gives you the structure and clarity to explore these vital relationship issues with your partner. And the best part is, you can do this from the comfort and privacy of your own home and at your own pace.

Doesn’t your relationship deserve it?

To find out more, Visit Lisa’s website for more information

II)  Marriage Enrichment Workbook Package

Have you checked out my new Marriage Enrichment workbook offer? Now you can receive my top three selling workbooks as one discounted resource! The Marriage Enrichment workbook offer includes:

a) Marriage/Relationship Checkup;

b) The ABCs of Effective Communication Workbook;

c) Take Control of Your Relationship: Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your Future.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

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